Done!

Big thanks to “the girls that Matter” and especially C for their input on the wording on the cards. I walked into C’s office to ask her opinion and 10 minutes later she had the cards ordered through Vistaprint, 2 days later they were in my hands.

So far the only flaw with these cards is they do not avoid awkward phone moments. I guess I'll have to live with that.

Scarlet Letter

I want one.

Not an “A” a “W”, maybe not in scarlet, maybe a dark burgundy.

I’m at the point now where I can calmly tell people my husband died without bursting into tears or anything more than taking a deep breath before and after. However other people’s reactions remain the same, awkward shocked pause then they’re best at condolences. I’ve even prefaced telling people with “This is going to be awkward for both of us, so here we go….” But it is still very awkward for both of us. Especially if the person I’m talking to knew HIM.

What’s even worse is if some well meaning soul who doesn’t know tries to tell me to “cheer up” or equivalent when I’m having a rotten day. Worse is when they are adamant that I can change my attitude and therefore turn my rotten day into a good day. I ran into one of those at the gym during the whole nun/grief counseling/school clusterfuck.

And he wasn’t exactly wrong. If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed it is possible to talk yourself into having a good day/better attitude, but my problems run a bit deeper than that. I think I’m allowed/expected to have completely rotten days, whether I want them or not, but no, some well-meaning jack-ass has to assume I can just slap on a smile, think about unicorns, puppies and spring flowers and my day will magically turn around.

It happened with another gym member, in front of C who tried to warn him off but he persisted in the “turn that frown upside down” mentality…worse he’s studying to be a priest or something. So I hit the point where enough was enough, time to bitch slap him with how this is not just a bad day, “My husband dies last June”…SCREEECH! As he slams on the breaks of happy, happy joy, joy and switches to condolences.

And the sucky thing is I shouldn’t have to do that to people who are just trying to be nice, even if they are annoying. I don’t want to do it, it’s unfair to me and the other person.

Which is why I think I should come with some kind of warning or hazard symbol.

Back in the day widows wore veils and/or dressed in black. I imagine it cut down on a lot of the bullshit. But in today’s world I’d be overdressed, confused as a “Goth” or, well, frankly a lot of people just wear black outfits. I like the idea of a veil but how does one pull that off while working out at the gym?

I think us widows should be issued some kind of badge or something, wearing it would be optional, but that way people would have some kind of warning that something had happened and could moderate themselves accordingly.

I have seen people wearing buttons or t-shirts with a photo of the deceased and RIP etc but I think it’s been mostly for children that have died and that’s a bit too in your face for me.

And I do get that women wearing a letter on your cloths had negative connotations thanks to Nathaniel Hawthorne  but a nice dark red “W” on a black background, worn optionally by those in mourning, for however long they wished, when they wished, would really cut down on awkward, painful or inappropriate moments.

…I just re-read that last paragraph and I’m sure that’s along the lines of how the yellow star was introduced by Hitler….

…ok, scrap that… You guys do get what I’m trying to say ‘tho right? A veil gave people a head’s up that a women was in morning and some guidance in how to treat that person. They are going through a tough time, and for god’s sakes don’t hit on her!  

Maybe I should just have business cards made up:

I am a widow

My husband died June 2012

Please act appropriately

Tail Wagging the Dog

In the past week I’ve almost punched a nun (not kidding), been laid off, un-laid off (in the span of 6 hours), started school, seriously re-committed to the gym and painted one wall of my bedroom.

Needless to say the appointment with Dr E was a frustrating. I take off from work early and get to the office before my appointment time. Check in and wait. And wait. And wait.

45 minutes in I ask the nurse how far behind Dr. E’s running, an eye roll and “She’s been running an hour late since she started this morning” was the reply. Great.

Finally get into an exam room, and wait.

The good Doctor breezes in, habit flowing, sits down and asks “So, what are you here to see me about?”…?!?!?...

I explain she asked for me to come in to discuss paperwork that was sent to her to sign pertaining to me getting grief counseling.

“Where is this paperwork”…?!?!?!?...

I tell her it was sent to her last week by Dr M’s office, she goes to get it, comes back.

“So, what is this about”….?!?!?!?!?!?!?!.......

I re-iterate what the paperwork’s about, who sent it and that she needs to sign it.

She complains that the printing is too small, then asks me to explain what it says….

At which point I realize she hasn’t even looked at the fucking paperwork other than to realize it’s about me and get me to make on appointment.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?

I take a few breaths and run the whole “it details a treatment plan, the length and cost for me to receive grief counseling because my husband died, blah, blah, blah”.

She asked about 2 other totally stupid questions before I finally, in a calm as I could manner, tell her that if she had any questions about the paperwork she should have phoned the office that sent it to her as they could explain it far better than I could, which would also have saved me taking time off work.

Her response “Well, is this important to you?”.

At which point I wanted to strangle her with her rosary.

I actually counted out 3 deep breaths before I replied.

Finally she left to go phone Dr M’s office, but only after I told her she should 2 more times. I was glad to see her go because you guys just got the abriviated version of what was probobly a 15 minute tour de force of frustration.

Then I sat and waited for the nun’s return, and waited, and waited.

After about 15 minutes I tracked down the nurse and asked her if Dr E was coming back.

Her reply “No, she left for a funeral”….

….Oh, that’s just fucking perfect….

The nurse was more helpful than Dr E after I explained to her the whole story, frankly she was a bit horrified and I got the feeling not a big fan of Dr E. She said she’d get her to sign it ASAP.

A few days later Dr M’s office did confirm she sent it back signed.

Just because she’s a doctor and Jesus is her boyfriend doesn’t mean she has the common sense god gave a duck.

I’m now back to looking for a new family doctor. Third one’s a charm?

Work at the office is going well but one last Monday I was told it would be my last day until one of the other staff went on her annual trip to Florida in mid-February.

Ok, I know the job is temporary, but still, I was expecting a bit more notice. I need consistency in my life right now and frankly I was still in a mood over the nun. I have to admit I had a little bit of a meltdown at work with the other office “girls”– which I hate.

Six hours later everything was back to normal, meaning I was employed until further notice at the office.

BTW I do really like my job there. The other women I work with are nice and fun, I feel like I’m accomplishing something while I’m there and it doesn’t involve cleaning up sweet and sour sauce that some child, or an adult who eats like a child, has smeared all over the place.

Then there’s school. It’s only one on-line course right now, the in-class one doesn’t start until mid-Feb. So I’m taking “Payroll Administration”, sounds pretty harmless right? HA! A fair bit off its tax law and how it relates to paying people. Yep, tax law. And there’s math, I now know how to verify if a person’s SIN number is valid, it’s a math equation. Not quite cool enough to be a party trick but a bit more interesting than tax law.

And due to the fact my life was feeling pretty out of control for a few days I decided to paint one wall of my bedroom because a trashy women’s magazine told me it was a great way to spruce up a room. I can’t control what college courses get canceled, can’t control a nun, can’t control the whims of my office job employer but dammit I can control the environment I live in!!...

….’Course I originally choose Ribbon Dance” blue, painted half the wall, wasn’t really sure about it and had to convene a colour conference with the other office girls if I should stick with it or go for “Moonlight Dance”. Both choose the latter.

So now one of my walls is a nice mellow dark blue and I’m trying to figure out what to do with the rest of the “Ribbon Dance”.

So it’s been a pretty “interesting week”. I’m hoping next week my schedule will settle down I’m tired of my life running me and need to rein it in before I start painting more walls.

Oh, so THIS is 2013….

I’ve had a rocky 2 days and I’m hoping things smooth out or I will be running off and joining the Russian circus.

Yesterday morning I got a call from the college and one of my courses has been canceled due to lack of enrollment, and I was forewarned I’d probably be getting another call today saying me other class was canned too. I was supposed to start next week.

FML

So I looked at the course calendar, only 2 other courses for the “Bookkeeping” course are being offered this semester. One is only available online, the other they “strongly recommend” you take another course (not offered this semester) as a prerequisite. So not ideal and maybe this is a sign I should look at different courses?

While I was stressing about that I got a call from my grief counselor’s office, Dr. M’s office, they needed my nun doctor to sign the paperwork on my grief counseling before they sent it off to my insurance company. But the DR. E’s office couldn’t find my file and were questioning if I was a patient there and could I phone them and get it straightened out? Fine, phone them, they had found my file.

Still stressing over the school thing I decided to go online and buy the concert tickets for P!nk that C and I agreed would be our Christmas present to each other.

Fucking SOLD OUT

FML

FINE, I’ll phone my parents and see what they have to say about this whole school thing. (Clearly I was stressed out and just wanted someone to make a decision for me). Talked to Dad, we came up with some stratagies about handling an online course (treat it like in class, have a dedicated night to “attend”) and the strong recommendation about the other class (get the software, use online tutorials, the class doesn’t start until Feb, I have time to study it). Good advice, we’re back on track.

Today I got the call that my other course was indeed canceled, I mentioned I’d be heading to the college to register for the other two. And was told the online one was full.

The women I spoke to said she’d try and sweet talk whoever about getting me into the class since my other 2 had been canceled. “Try” being the keyword.

Shortly after I got a call from Dr. E’s office, they had received the paperwork from Dr. M’s office and she wanted me to come in so we could talk before she signed the paperwork…WHY?!?!?

And why isn’t any of this easier?!?!? I just want to go to school, get grief counseling and see fucking P!nk in concert, why is this all a big problem?!?!?!? I’d event take 2 of them being problems if the 3^rd worked out but nooooooo, everything has to be a big clusterfuck within 48 hours.

The earliest appointment I could get with Dr. E is 6 days from now, and no, she won’t do it over the phone. So if she signs off on it everything’s delayed a week since after she signs it has to go back to Dr. M’s office, then to the insurance company for them to sign off on it blah, blah, blah.

And I’m worried about why I have to meet with her in the first place. I’ve read a couple things over the years about certain sects of the catholic religion having no respect for physiologists etc, what if she wants me to seek counseling from the clergy or something? What if she doesn’t sign off on the damn paperwork?!?!?

I went to the gym, worked out and tried not to cry when I talked to C about all this (and succeeded in not crying). It felt good to vent. Working out probably helped.

Afterwards I stopped by Dr. M’s office and outlined the new wrinkle, apparently this isn’t that unusual, sometimes “family doctors” want to meet with the patient to make sure this is what they want….that doesn’t really make much sense to me since I read what was submitted to Dr. E and signed it, it’s what I want, in writing. I’m still stressed.

Next stop, the college, and yes they can fit me into the online course so I’m signed up for it and the other one.

P!nk is still sold out and at this point I can’t even muster more than mild disappointment. Yeah, blow me one more kiss.

I just really am flummoxed by how everything could collide like this?!?!? I think I’m owed a bit of a break this year. Is this some kind of sign or bad karma about the JO thing?!?!? (Oh, my boyfriend guilt is back!)

It’s not like I’m asking for easy stuff (ok, other than P!nk), school’s going to be work I’m not looking forward to and grief counseling was described to me by a friend as “the worst best thing I ever did”.

I’m trying very hard to move forward, very hard, and I’m getting worn down by crap like this. There’s no way Dr. E’s office could know that I’m having problems registering for school, and vice versa, and there’s no way P!nk, her agents, representatives, ticket sellers and other fans could know that her concert was something I was counting on to give me something to look forward to….but there’s still a part of me that’s screaming “UNFAIR”, as ridiculous as that is because the one thing I’ve learned in the last 6 + months is that life is not fair. I still think I’m owed a bit of a break ‘tho.

None of this crap would be happening if HE was still alive and I think that’s what bothers me the most.

So….this is 2013…



No guilt here! Chicken fried pork chops, mashed patatoes
(both covered in sausage gravy) and in the background
fried green tomatoes, I love the Dixie Grill!!

My Christmas was ok, totally different environment and a packed schedule helped, riding, zip-lining, trip into San Antonio, trip up to Austin, archery, don’t get me started on the food I ate…I’ve gained weight and don’t regret it.

I did have one bad night, but my TX peeps totally understood and cleared out to go see a movie so I could have some space and a good cry. And it was a pretty good cry.

I came home to a lot of snow and my parents, thankfully they only stayed 2 days…and don’t take that the wrong way, I was glad to see them but after a busy trip I needed some downtime before things get scary/busy next week. So we had a nice short visit and I’ve had the house to myself since yesterday.

I also managed to avoid a bad New Years. I spent it with the P family catching up with them and then leaving before midnight, came home and threw on a movie so I wouldn’t notice when midnight happened…and again I wonder if avoiding emotional situations is the right way to deal with things? I worry they’ll just all fester together and turn into a major breakdown somewhere down the road….

…and then we get back to that guilt thing. I feel guilty I enjoyed my trip without HIM, actually not even without him because I’ve been on trips before without him. I feel guilty I enjoyed my trip with HIM dead. Ditto with New Year’s part of me feels a good widow would have spent the evening crying her eyes out. And I could have, I just arranged things to avoid doing that. Which leads me back to the question about if I’m just headed for a big emotional clusterfuck at some point?

I’ve had 2 shifts at the restaurant since I got back as well and realized that during my trip I’ve shifted gears about it. I’m completely and truly no longer emotionally invested in working there. (For better or worse). I will go in and do my job, and do it well, but I’m not wasting my energy on any drama or any person there.

It helps that D and z’bitch have convinced themselves that we’re missing tip money at the end of our shifts, blaming the owners, and have figured out a silly cloak and dagger solution to “solve” the problem. I’m not convinced there is a problem and think they’re just chasing their tails but it is pretty interesting to watch. Especially since they’re both so irate about it but won’t approach the owners about it…keep in mind D is the manager…you know, the person who’s supposed to deal with this kind of thing in a mature manner.

D’s also still working on the schedule. She’s know for over 4 months when she leaves for her cruise (this Friday), over a month and a half + I can’t work school nights and over 3 weeks that I can’t work lunch shifts, and then reasoned her way out of hiring a new waitress until after she gets back. She did have a scheduled figured out after I got back from TX, which included one of her sisters waitressing, but of course z’bitch, who’s always complaining about how she needs more shifts, saw the schedule and her head exploded over how much she’d be working.

So D has 3 days to sort it out….as well as pack, cook, clean her house and a whole myriad of other things she’s been complaining about before she leaves. Did I mention she’s exhausted? Yep, she’s really exhausted from working so much because I was gone over Christmas, exhausted and stressed. I’ve only worked two shifts and I’ve heard that about 7 times, post trip guilt trip. I’ve thanked her repeatedly for giving me the time off but I refuse to apologize. ‘Course if she had hired another waitress when she said she would….

I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before but the above points out another shift in my gears. I’m not as sympathetic to people as I used to be.

If someone’s had a bad day, bad luck, bad news or anything else bad NOT of their own making, then yes, I’m sympathetic, really sympathetic. If someone’s self created their own drama or problems I’m now pretty much in the “suck it up princess” camp.

I’m not sure this is a good thing, but since picking up the big emotional burden of widowhood I guess it’s natural I’d drop some other baggage.

Next up, clearing the debris over z’bitches head exploding, finding out my schedule for next week, at which point I’ll be working 2 jobs and starting school….and I really need to shave my legs.