36%

That’s how much shorter a widow’s life span is compared to a (relatively happily) married women.

It’s just an average but it’s a statistical fact. (For widowers it’s 40%)

This fun fact was brought to you by Dr M, my grief counselor.

It was on a white board in his office along with a bunch of stuff about the benefits of marriage, vs divorce. I guess a client in a session before me has some issues either about getting married or staying married. (I can’t remember what the lifespan stats where for divorced men/women.)

And so kicked off a really crappy afternoon/evening.

And I’m really getting tired of blog bitching about my bad days, there seem to be too many of them lately. Part of the reason I am blogging is to vent the ickyness out, but it just seems lately the things I have to do that I expect to be hard have become a flat out way worse than I think they could possibly have to be.

Dr M has the ability to ask exactly the right question with exactly the right look of understanding and compassion to bring me to tears, so grief counseling = tears.

..In front of a man I just met. And I don’t care that this is his job, and he’s certified up the wazoo, it’s still awkward, which I told him. (He validated that it was awkward for me…not much help there). So, tears in the afternoon.

After I got home I downloaded the solutions to last week’s homework assignment, something I was feeling pretty confident about. I felt I had an understanding of both the equations needed to answer the questions and had triple checked the actual math.

…I got 2 out of the 6 questions right.

More tears.



An oldy but a goody, and one that
applies to me right now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ALRLZQf42s



All but one of my wrong answer’s where off by 1 cent… 1 FUCKING CENT?!?!?!?!?!

Apparently Professor Asshat didn’t have complete instructions (in my opinion) for the equation for calculating CPP contributions on a pay cheque. I won’t go into the whole thing but basically There are 3 steps to doing the equation, in his notes after step 1 he wrote that you do not round up this number. And that’s the only mention of rounding up anywhere in his notes, regarding CPP or anything else.

Turns out you should round up, to the nearest cent, if applicable after step 3 of the CPP calculation, this is not mentioned in his notes.

So, you get the CPP contribution wrong (by 1 fucking cent) then you get the total deductions from a gross pay wrong (by 1 fucking cent), ergo you get the calculation for net pay wrong…by 1 fucking cent.

The only up-side to this is we’re not actually graded on our homework, (but we do get 3% added to our grade if we submit all the homework completed, which I’ve been doing).

The huge downside was that our first assignment (which is graded) was due the next day and I needed confirmation that you did need to round up where I thought he was indicating in his solutions. So I sent an e-mail and waited.

While I was waiting I went to the barn to feed the horses, on the drive home I hit a raccoon. I just saw him out of the corner of my eye, running towards Oliver, had time to register it was a raccoon, and then I felt him under my back wheels.

Pulled over to the side of the road and bawled for 15 minutes. Flat out BAWLED, the ugly crying.

Check for an answer to my e-mail when I get home, nothing. Fuck this noise; I’m done for the night. Zoned out watching bad TLC shows, hated myself a little.

The next day I do get a short reply from Prof Asshat stating “You do not round up for CPP calculations, for all others please do”.

?!?!?!?!?

But he clearly DID round up on the final step of the CPP calculations, and for all others, how far do we round up?!?!?!?

I sent a much longer e-mail, with an example of that week’s homework and asked for clarification….under the gun because the first assignment was due that day. Go to work. Stress.

Get home, still no answer. Decided fuck it; send in the assignment with what I think is the correct answers, rounded up where applicable.

Later that night I get confirmation from him that you DO round up in the final CPP contribution, and you should round up to the nearest cent (where applicable) for it and any other calculations…….

….what’s even more worrisome is in this week’s notes he’s used the term “net pay” in a calculation when he should have used “gross pay”.

…I hate on-line learning. IT IS JUST NOT WORKING FOR ME.

And I haven’t had time to ride or go to the gym this week at all. Never mind spend time with friends...or even breath normally…And on the 14^th I go full-time at the office while one of the girls takes her 2 month vacation to Florida, and my in-class course starts on the 25^th of Feb. The thought stresses me out to the point I want to throw up. And I’m back to not sleeping well at night.

I have never had a panic attack, but I’m pretty sure I know what the precursor is. 

My life is out of balance, drastically.

So, here’s the deal, I’m dropping one of my college classes. If I don’t get at least 75% on my assignment and this week’s (self-graded) homework assignment I’m canning this on-line payroll admin course. If I appear to now have a handle on it I’ll can in the in-class course.

Also adding to my work week was an online “Mental Heath Assessment” from Dr M’s office. Fifty-odd questions that run the gamut from “Do you hear voices that others do not hear?” to “Do you suffer from muscle soreness?”

You have to choose answers that range between “not at all”, “somewhat”, “moderately”, “often” to “extremely”.

My problem is I don’t know how to answer some of the questions, and you have to answer all of the questions to submit the survey.  

And no, I don’t hear voices that others don’t hear, and yes, I do suffer from muscle soreness, but that’s because of the gym.

And that’s part of the problem; you can’t add comments to your answers. 

There were questions like “Do you have urges to strike or hurt people?”…well, yes, I’ve wanted to throttle z’bitch, but I’ve wanted to do that since before HE died. “Do you have opinions and beliefs that are different from other people?”…well, yes?! Put me in a room with 10 other women of equal social/economic situations and I’m sure there’s something I’ll disagree with all of them about…that’s just life, isn’t it?

Yes, I “have urges to break things”… “Moderately”. I’ve always liked the idea of destroying things (plates, using my chainsaw etc) in the same way I get satisfaction out of hammering nails and using noisy tools to build things. I’m not sure what that says about me? Maybe it’s the noise level rather than the actual act?

So clearly Dr M and I need to talk about his online quiz.

I talked to M about it last night, about how some of my “issues” in the quiz pre-dated HIM dying. She thought it was great I was getting free therapy for pre-existing conditions! God she’s smart!

So as well as figuring out my “grief issues” maybe we’ll get some of my other weirdness worked out as well…

Three bright spots in this clusterfuck.

1)      During this P drover down for a less-than 24 hour visit. The excuse was to drop off a saddle my other friend M is interested in buying. We ate sushi, watched “Perfect Pitch” (seriously fun movie) and gabbed face to face. It was awesome.

2)      JO phoned, from Mexico. He said misses me. I told him I miss him, because I do.

3)      I e-mailed my parents to let them know what was going in with my 2 out of 6 online class and that I was feeling overwhelmed and very stressed….especially about my upcoming schedule.  Mom phoned later that night. She reminded me that the idea of going back to school happened before I got the office job and that they where both wondering how I was going to cope? Better, she agreed that dropping one of my courses was a good idea and that her and Dad don’t think I’m a quitter…My parents aren’t verbally or demonstrably affectionate people, I know they love me, but I’ve only ever heard it from my parents a few times in my life. To hear my Mom say her and dad don’t think I’m a quitter is a HUGE thing to me.

The end note is that I’m feeling better about the next few months since I’ve decided to drop one of my night courses. BUT I still need to come up with a game plan to fit in full-time at the office, weekends at the restaurant, gym, horses and friends.

But hey, the guy who kisses me on the wrist phoned me long distance to see how I was doing. That’s worth a little bit of a “happy place” right?