Nights are tough for me; I think I’ve only mentioned that about a billion times right? It’s not just the “late at night in bed can’t sleep” issues, it’s also what to do with myself after dinner before I go to bed to toss and turn. It’s the same time of night HE would be getting home from work and we would be hanging out, I find myself very restless…. I can read, I can sew, I can practice my Spanish or surf the net, but some of these things take a certain amount of concentration, which I don’t have much of these days. And TV is out since we don’t even have basic cable and renting movies has been a pretty big gamble lately.
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| Tap Dogs |
So, to help fill up my nights I’ve signed up for…..tap dancing lessons….
Yep, tap.
Saturday my Mom and I went to buy me tap shoes, which makes me feel like a 12 year old, but in a good way.
Why tap?
Ballet holds no interest for me, at all, jazz is out because I’m not a fan of the music, I don’t even know what “lyrical” dance is, and at 42 I think I’m a bit too old to be learning how to “crunk” in a hip hop class. Tap it is. It seems like a good combination of fun and “stompy”, which suits me just fine. Plus, years ago HE took me to the big city to see Tap Dogs, if you’ve never heard of them check out the link below the pic. Tres cool in my opinion.
My parents visit went fairly well to, they seem to have accepted the fact that I’m A) Not ready to start college/find a new career this exact month and B) That everything that needed to be sorted out here at home has been. So we’ve just been hanging out, it’s been pleasant. I used my new camera to distract Dad, (unfortunately that led to him downloading the pix on my computer and him feeling the need to “fix” my computer, and by “fix” I mean him downloading programs he feels are essential and re-organizing things the way he likes them) and Mom puttered around in a non-invasive way.
Before leaving they mentioned their next visit might be in November, possibly December depending on my Christmas plans, which gives me a kind of a deadline for figuring out my game plan for what comes next in my life. School? New job? Running away to join a circus? The options are endless and terrifying. And I know it’s a repetitive and maybe boring theme of this blog but it’s a big fucking issue/problem that I need to sort out.
It’s also made me question whether or not I was just drifting along while HE was alive? I think yes, I could have been more pro-active in the last few years with work/a career but just merrily drifted along as a waitress in a small restaurant in a small town. Don’t get me wrong, the money’s ok, waitressing’s great, but I could have pushed myself more, towards more, and it makes me sad that I’m doing it now and didn’t do it with HIM, for us.
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