Three months ago yesterday HE died. For someone who can’t remember dates/figures I’ve been very cognoscente of how much time has past. Three months ago today, at this time, I was sitting here, watching C and K clean my kitchen, listening to P make phone calls for me and wondering how I was going to get through the day. Three months, I knew last week it had been 11 weeks, but 3 months, its starling.
It’s a weird twilight zone where I know time is passing but it almost feels like it was just last week that I went to the funeral. (Sounds so trite but its true).
Emotionally things have (thankfully) shifted. I’m not rolling through the “7 stages of grieving” daily, I’ll have a few good days, (as in none-crying/sort of have my shit together) then have a bad evening or morning, usually its evenings ‘tho. It’s not so much the Symphony of Suck as bad elevator music playing in the background…it’s till sucks ‘tho…And I am getting better at dealing with telling people I’m a widow, but it’s just damn awkward for everyone involved. Me, them, just a really bad pregnant pause after I say it.
Especially if that person has just inquired if I’m married while asking me out. Yep, had one of those yesterday at work. I won’t get into all the details but a larger than normal tip was left to make up for the faux pas. And he really felt bad, and I felt bad for him, because how was he to know? It’s not like a go around wearing widow’s weeds or anything. What I did mind was as he was leaving he said “I think you’re a good girl”…. ….???? What the hell is that supposed to mean? And how the fuck would he know solely based on my (excellent) waitressing skills? To add insult to injury my manager told me the same guy asked my idiot co-work, Z, out two weeks before. ICK!
The whole thing is kind of funny and a horrifying glimpse into the current dating scene….I’m very happy to be currently not dating and having a very good reason not to.
Random updates:
- My first tap class was a few nights ago. I was the only one who had no previous dance or tap experience, actually I think everyone else had previous tap + other dance experience…so, big learning curve. Plus I’m not co-coordinated to begin with. I still had a lot of fun and have arranged to have a “tap tutor” (yeah, I know) to get me up to speed on the basic steps and terms. (All these years I thought it was “ball chain”, turns out its “ball change”, who knew?!). I enjoy being challenged but the basics (which everyone else in class knows) are overwhelming me so a few private lessons should help…I hope! So it was fun but of course I came home to an empty house and HE would have gotten a laugh out of my dance miss-steps. So keeping busy at night’s not exactly solving that problem, I have to come home sometime; I guess I’ll just learn to deal.
- I have an appointment with my doctor to get a referral for a therapist for the grief counseling. It’s not until the end of the month but I’ve hung on (with massive help from friends) this far so I can sit it out. I think I’m also going to have to talk to him about my sleeping issues; they are better but not great.
- On a happy note I made it to the gym the last 3 days in a row. I’m sore. It feels good!
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