Habit Forming

Had a busy “dealing with regular life” day yesterday.

8:30 am Meeting with the “Student Success Advisor” (lmao!?!?) at the local college about the course I’m thinking of taking.

10:00 am Doctor’s appointment with my new family doctor! It was just a meeting to see if we suited each other, I think we do. She was reading over my form about past medical history and saw the part where it asked about smoking. She looks at me, and totally deadpan asked “You smoke? Are you rich?” It totally cracked me up. I have an appointment for a full physical with her, Dr. E, in a few weeks.

The kicker about Dr. E, she’s a nun…yep, a real habit and wimple wearing nun, and nothing bland about her, she wears blue.

11:00 am, oil change for Oliver. Also bought him a totally inappropriate hitch cover, inappropriate considering how HE died, but it makes me laugh so I’m going with it.

Then stopped at the local employment center to pick their brains about my employment chances if I take the “Book Keeping” course. (Chances are better than if I took the “Office Basics” computer course). Then off to the hardware store to pick up winterizing kits for out windows, then lunch with C.

After lunch, clean kitchen, groceries, ride.

A good, productive day, things crossed off the list. I feel good about a day off well used but I’m also finding days like yesterday hard. It’ll occur to me during the day that I’m getting on with my life, not our life. And I mean it’s good and all that I’m getting on with my life but…I still much prefer our life.

On that note, there have been some, and I hate to admit it, positive things that have developed since HE died.

Going back to school is one of them. I had pretty much settled into a rut as far as my work life went, this gave me the kick in the ass to move (hopefully) forward.

More importantly I have much stronger friendships now, new ones, and although I always appreciated my very good friends I have a far better understanding for why we’re friends and how deep that friendship goes. I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to explain.

CM, a friend from the barn (the one who took care of our horses while I was a complete mess) recently mentioned in an e-mail “As much as I hate that James died, we have gotten to know each other more and this is a cool thing.” And she’s right. And she’s turning into a very good friend.

C and I were talking the other day about people we know that will self-create problems then whine, bitch, moan, not accept responsibility and throw massive pity parties for themselves, and how we have no use for them. Self created or not we tend to just deal with problems, probably while repeating THIS FUCKING SUCKS to ourselves. And that is the common thread between my good friends. Any pity-parties are limited to conversations/rants looking for input on how best to solve the problem, never broadcast on Face Book, then life goes on.

I guess basically I’m learning and growing from this experience, but it seems wrong, and feels horrible, to put a “positive” spin on HIS death.

I’ve had a few people ask about the grief counseling here’s an update:

The pressure if off to find one in the 6 month time span from HIS death. I talked to the “Benefits Counselor” at my insurance company and there never was any time limit! I have no idea where I got the 6 month time limit, but it was firmly stuck in my brain that I had 6 months to get into counseling for them to pay for it. Totally not the case. Also, I don’t have to have one referred to me by a family doctor. Apparently she suggested my family doctor could probably refer me to someone, but I can find someone myself.

I’m completely relieved, but I do question why they don’t write this shit down for you for reference after you meet with them? Would have saved me the whole Dr Asshat episode!

Anyways, I’m going to get myself a therapist/grief counselor in the next few weeks, I think I’ll need one with Christmas approaching…hell, I know I need one now, so off I go therapist shopping.