Slippery Slope

Despite my “The Breakup” post (from months ago) I’m drinking a lot of coffee, large double double, and still smoking, and smoking too much. I’m going to the gym but still inconsistently, my eating habits range from healthy to really, really not.

I also have to get back to making lists. I think it’s like being mentally unstable and needing to take meds. Sometimes people take the meds and feel normal enough to stop taking them, then things start unraveling. I need to keep making lists to stay on top of things.

I’ll be taking night classes starting in January, but haven’t registered yet, what am I waiting for?

Ditto with grief counseling, there’s nothing stopping me from opening up the phone book and getting on it, but I haven’t.

There are long overdue e-mails I have to reply to and some I need to write.

Things are also starting to pile up in the house, including tumble weeds of cat hair.

I guess I can blame my work schedule for part of it, it’s still insane, and given the choice when I do have down time I’d rather go to the barn and ride than sweep – which I actually think is a good thing, the barn is back to being a fun place for the most part. I’m also busy socially, also a good thing I think.

But I have to keep on top of the important “moving forward” things, my hope is to become a better me despite (or maybe because?) of losing him…frankly, I need to be a better me, I don’t want to backslide into some existence of just being. Or worse, settling. I want to live a good life, pro-active, responsible and happy. Obviously I have great friends/family that can, have and will help me, but this new life is pretty much on me. It’s scary and tiring. Overwhelming when I think too much about it. So I’m not going to over think it, I’m going to make my list for this week and just keep crossing things off it, it’s simpler that way and I actually get shit done rather than thinking of all the shit I need to get done.

Footnote: I dropped out of tap class. The 45 min class wasn’t a big problem with my new (insane) work schedule but I needed to practice during the week to even marginally keep up with the rest of the class and I was having problems fitting that in. If I didn’t practice the class went from fun and slightly embarrassing to stressful, and I’m trying to cut down on my stress not add to it. Also, when I signed up it was to get me out of the house more, and that’s defiantly not a problem now. I have my tap shoes and notes from class so I can still mess around with it in my kitchen. I feel bad that I quit but, well, I mean come on, its tap dancing not finding the cure for cancer.