Maximum Overdrive

This will probably be my last post until I get back from Texas, I leave next week and I’m a bit panicked about everything I have to do before I go.

It’s not just the packing, and I am a horrible packer, I always, always, always over pack for trips. I cannot seem to quiet that little voice in my head that says “But what if…?” so I end up packing for just about any reasonable scenario that could happen at the local I’m going, and a few unreasonable ones too.

There’s also my parents who are showing up the day before I get home, the house needs to be cleaned…even ‘tho my Mom will clean it again when she gets here. Then there’s all the odds and ends, horses, cat care, blah, blah blah and work, both of them!

I went in to J’s office last week and met with the manager, it wasn’t really an interview, we just chatted a bit and I gave her my resume, she asked when I could come in for some training and that’s what I did last Wed and Thurs. J says the manager, LD, likes me and since they want me in again this coming week and when I get back from Texas it’s kind of assumed that I have the job. Again, it’s only temporary/part time, but still, I’m pretty excited about it. And so far I like it, it’s different, I get along with everyone and there are some parts of the job that’ll be challenging for me. And it pays well.

So Thurs night after my shift at the restaurant I had to tell D I couldn’t work any lunch shifts after I got back from my trip. I was a bit worried D would have a stroke and Y would fire me. That didn’t happen. D told me she was proud of me, Y shot me the stink eye and told D “You put sign in the window and hire new girl now part time”, and hasn’t really talked to me since.

‘Tho looking at January being fired might not have been a bad thing. The same week I start school D leaves on a 10 day cruise and even if they have a new waitress she won’t be ready to work alone so I’m pretty much guaranteed to be insanely busy with 2 jobs and school…never mind getting my ass back to the gym and riding.

So basically I’m still stressed out, but over different things at least.

I also started grief counseling last week. (Yep, it was quite the week). I met with Dr. M and we basically did an overview of my issues – which is prefect because I didn’t go in for counseling earlier because I thought it would be pointless to just sit in his office and cry for an hour (I can do that at home). I waited until I had some definite ISSUES pinpointed. So we talked about them in basic terms. I have to be honest; I’m not sure how this is going to go. I’m telling a guy I just met stuff I’ve only discussed with 2 or 3 friends I’ve known for years, it’s uncomfortable. And I ended up crying anyways, in front of someone I just met, very uncomfortable.

Dr. M did say something that made a lot of sense, he said I may have lost a husband but my new boyfriend’s guilt, and guilt and I need to break up and he’s going to help me do that. And he’s right I feel guilty about a lot of things. Things I did or didn’t do in our marriage, things I wish we had done, things that happened after HE died, even things unrelated to HIM but associated with his death.

I also commented on Dr. M’s diplomas and certificates, that I assumed he knew what he was doing since he had so many of them. He said he printed them out himself.

And this gives me hope because this puts him right in the same sense of humor as CMJ and CMJ was awesome.

So, I’ll let you know how it goes, fingers crossed.

So how’s this whole Christmas thing going? Ok, I guess. I’m studiously ignoring it, or trying to.

I’ve gotten some Christmas cards in the mail, I read them then they get chucked, no cards lining the mantle this year. Any presents not being bought in TX are already gotten, no malls in my future – thank god.

Work’s a bit more difficult, we’ve been listening to Christmas music since mid-November because D says “every one expects it”. Not true. She just fucking loves the holiday and can’t wait to get started on it, the restaurant has also been totally tricked out in decorations and a tree.

I feel bad too, (hey look it’s my boyfriend guilt!) we always put out Christmas stockings for the cats and horses, I won’t be doing that this year, I just can’t bear it. I’m also not wrapping any presents I bought. I always wrapped HIS gifts (badly) but HE was in charge of doing the rest. I’d help with ribbons and tags, he’d play Christmas music (Trans Siberian Orchestra was his fav) and we’d drink rum and eggnog. I did think a few times about just getting some plain wrapping paper but I just can’t deal with the idea of sitting down, alone, and wrapping stuff.

Again I’m so thankful we didn’t have kids.

I hope you all have a great Christmas, I’m hopeful I’ll have a good one.

Please drive carefully and make the most you have with your friends and family.