So….this is 2013…



No guilt here! Chicken fried pork chops, mashed patatoes
(both covered in sausage gravy) and in the background
fried green tomatoes, I love the Dixie Grill!!

My Christmas was ok, totally different environment and a packed schedule helped, riding, zip-lining, trip into San Antonio, trip up to Austin, archery, don’t get me started on the food I ate…I’ve gained weight and don’t regret it.

I did have one bad night, but my TX peeps totally understood and cleared out to go see a movie so I could have some space and a good cry. And it was a pretty good cry.

I came home to a lot of snow and my parents, thankfully they only stayed 2 days…and don’t take that the wrong way, I was glad to see them but after a busy trip I needed some downtime before things get scary/busy next week. So we had a nice short visit and I’ve had the house to myself since yesterday.

I also managed to avoid a bad New Years. I spent it with the P family catching up with them and then leaving before midnight, came home and threw on a movie so I wouldn’t notice when midnight happened…and again I wonder if avoiding emotional situations is the right way to deal with things? I worry they’ll just all fester together and turn into a major breakdown somewhere down the road….

…and then we get back to that guilt thing. I feel guilty I enjoyed my trip without HIM, actually not even without him because I’ve been on trips before without him. I feel guilty I enjoyed my trip with HIM dead. Ditto with New Year’s part of me feels a good widow would have spent the evening crying her eyes out. And I could have, I just arranged things to avoid doing that. Which leads me back to the question about if I’m just headed for a big emotional clusterfuck at some point?

I’ve had 2 shifts at the restaurant since I got back as well and realized that during my trip I’ve shifted gears about it. I’m completely and truly no longer emotionally invested in working there. (For better or worse). I will go in and do my job, and do it well, but I’m not wasting my energy on any drama or any person there.

It helps that D and z’bitch have convinced themselves that we’re missing tip money at the end of our shifts, blaming the owners, and have figured out a silly cloak and dagger solution to “solve” the problem. I’m not convinced there is a problem and think they’re just chasing their tails but it is pretty interesting to watch. Especially since they’re both so irate about it but won’t approach the owners about it…keep in mind D is the manager…you know, the person who’s supposed to deal with this kind of thing in a mature manner.

D’s also still working on the schedule. She’s know for over 4 months when she leaves for her cruise (this Friday), over a month and a half + I can’t work school nights and over 3 weeks that I can’t work lunch shifts, and then reasoned her way out of hiring a new waitress until after she gets back. She did have a scheduled figured out after I got back from TX, which included one of her sisters waitressing, but of course z’bitch, who’s always complaining about how she needs more shifts, saw the schedule and her head exploded over how much she’d be working.

So D has 3 days to sort it out….as well as pack, cook, clean her house and a whole myriad of other things she’s been complaining about before she leaves. Did I mention she’s exhausted? Yep, she’s really exhausted from working so much because I was gone over Christmas, exhausted and stressed. I’ve only worked two shifts and I’ve heard that about 7 times, post trip guilt trip. I’ve thanked her repeatedly for giving me the time off but I refuse to apologize. ‘Course if she had hired another waitress when she said she would….

I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before but the above points out another shift in my gears. I’m not as sympathetic to people as I used to be.

If someone’s had a bad day, bad luck, bad news or anything else bad NOT of their own making, then yes, I’m sympathetic, really sympathetic. If someone’s self created their own drama or problems I’m now pretty much in the “suck it up princess” camp.

I’m not sure this is a good thing, but since picking up the big emotional burden of widowhood I guess it’s natural I’d drop some other baggage.

Next up, clearing the debris over z’bitches head exploding, finding out my schedule for next week, at which point I’ll be working 2 jobs and starting school….and I really need to shave my legs.