Scarlet Letter

I want one.

Not an “A” a “W”, maybe not in scarlet, maybe a dark burgundy.

I’m at the point now where I can calmly tell people my husband died without bursting into tears or anything more than taking a deep breath before and after. However other people’s reactions remain the same, awkward shocked pause then they’re best at condolences. I’ve even prefaced telling people with “This is going to be awkward for both of us, so here we go….” But it is still very awkward for both of us. Especially if the person I’m talking to knew HIM.

What’s even worse is if some well meaning soul who doesn’t know tries to tell me to “cheer up” or equivalent when I’m having a rotten day. Worse is when they are adamant that I can change my attitude and therefore turn my rotten day into a good day. I ran into one of those at the gym during the whole nun/grief counseling/school clusterfuck.

And he wasn’t exactly wrong. If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed it is possible to talk yourself into having a good day/better attitude, but my problems run a bit deeper than that. I think I’m allowed/expected to have completely rotten days, whether I want them or not, but no, some well-meaning jack-ass has to assume I can just slap on a smile, think about unicorns, puppies and spring flowers and my day will magically turn around.

It happened with another gym member, in front of C who tried to warn him off but he persisted in the “turn that frown upside down” mentality…worse he’s studying to be a priest or something. So I hit the point where enough was enough, time to bitch slap him with how this is not just a bad day, “My husband dies last June”…SCREEECH! As he slams on the breaks of happy, happy joy, joy and switches to condolences.

And the sucky thing is I shouldn’t have to do that to people who are just trying to be nice, even if they are annoying. I don’t want to do it, it’s unfair to me and the other person.

Which is why I think I should come with some kind of warning or hazard symbol.

Back in the day widows wore veils and/or dressed in black. I imagine it cut down on a lot of the bullshit. But in today’s world I’d be overdressed, confused as a “Goth” or, well, frankly a lot of people just wear black outfits. I like the idea of a veil but how does one pull that off while working out at the gym?

I think us widows should be issued some kind of badge or something, wearing it would be optional, but that way people would have some kind of warning that something had happened and could moderate themselves accordingly.

I have seen people wearing buttons or t-shirts with a photo of the deceased and RIP etc but I think it’s been mostly for children that have died and that’s a bit too in your face for me.

And I do get that women wearing a letter on your cloths had negative connotations thanks to Nathaniel Hawthorne  but a nice dark red “W” on a black background, worn optionally by those in mourning, for however long they wished, when they wished, would really cut down on awkward, painful or inappropriate moments.

…I just re-read that last paragraph and I’m sure that’s along the lines of how the yellow star was introduced by Hitler….

…ok, scrap that… You guys do get what I’m trying to say ‘tho right? A veil gave people a head’s up that a women was in morning and some guidance in how to treat that person. They are going through a tough time, and for god’s sakes don’t hit on her!  

Maybe I should just have business cards made up:

I am a widow

My husband died June 2012

Please act appropriately