Vin, Vince & Amy

It’s been a quiet week, and I’ve only had one really bad day since my last post, so I guess that’s pretty good.

I’ve also had satellite TV installed, mainly because adding it to my phone and internet bundle actually drops my overall bill by $40+…yeah, I’m still trying to figure that one out?! I also thought it would help fill up my nights a bit. Problem is I’m not overly keen to spend time in the living room, we spent a lot of time there watching movies and I’ve caught myself a few times turning to where he’d sit to make some comment about the dumb ass show “we” where watching. (And there seems to be nothing but dumb ass shows on these days.)

Anyhow, Joseph, the satellite guy came to install everything. Joseph looked a lot like a young Vin Diesel….Young Vin Diesel kinda turns my crank.

I don't know why I think he's a hottie, I just do.

To be blunt I was having impure thoughts, my loins were anyways, my head was yelling at my loins “Bad Widow, BADDDD! Down girl, down!!!”.

I mean WTF?!?! I’m more than a bit disgusted with myself.

Worse, it’s not the only time it’s happened. I’ve already mentioned that we get a fair amount of Latinos at work right? Well, some of them are damn hot and they don’t really follow the North American loose jean fashion, they wear them well, I’ve always done some ogling, but now it just feels shameful.

My friend K, also a widow, has warned me that a relationship with a man in the next year is a no-no, and I believe her, I can see all kinds of problems arising from that…no pun intended. Plus, I’m no bucket of sunshine right now; anyone who’d want to go out with me in this state is not someone I’d want to be in a relationship with.

…but meanwhile my loins are occasionally being vocal and when they do I feel so guilty, my own body’s betraying me and HIM!

Just because she ownes a silver tea service and
wears pearls does not mean she knows everthing!

And it’s not like there’s any book that covers that particular facet of widowhood. The closest I’ve seen is in my copy of “The Complete Book of Etiquette (A guide to gracious living)” written in 1952 by Amy Vanderbilt (“The foremost authority on manners today”). At the very end of her chapter dealing with funerals she has a paragraph titled “the Resumption of Dating” and states:

“The lonely widow or widower wishing to face realistically the problem of deep personal loss today is, after about 3 months of widowhood, ready for quiet dates with members of the opposite sex. Modern men and women approve such emotionally healthy reaching out for reassurance. In a small, conservative community such dating is limited at first to evenings at home, movies, the theater, musical events, walks and drives, small parties with other couples.”

Yeah, riiiight!

For starters, I’m not lonely, I miss HIM indescribably, but I’ve got friends to attend movies, theater events and small parties with if I wanted to. Evenings at home? That’s exactly what my loins want! And as far as “modern men and women approve such emotionally healthy reaching out”, I can’t think of one friend that wouldn’t be more than a bit startled if I started dating now.

I dunno, Amy has some great advice (I used some of it to write out my post-funeral thank you cards) but I think she’s way off base here.

I guess I’ll just have to accept this as another complication, an unexpected one, on the road of widowhood.

Another thing I need to curb is the god damn “retail therapy”.

I need to be smart about money in this phase of my life, not fashion forward!

Widowhood isn’t solely to blame, about 4 years ago I weighted about 220 lbs, joined a gym and (thanks to C and her great personal trainer skills) am now down to 154. At about 170 lbs I started to kinda like shopping for cloths, I fit into stuff not in the “Plus Sizes” sections at stores. At my current weight it’s almost easy to walk into a store and find something I like on me.

It doesn’t help that I purged a lot of my older (bigger) cloths and needed to buy some new fall/winter wear…actually I think the compulsion to shop is actually pretty much gone, I’m not a total idiot….but there’s this pair of killer boots, seriously savage kicks, that I want. I’ve always been a bit of a boot junky, a great pair of boots looks great no matter what you weigh, and these ones have my name written all over them.

Google “Vince Camuto, Bollo boots”, the ones in brown. No, seriously, do it now!………Ok, so having seen them, can you blame me?!?!?

I can’t justify buying them, I don’t need another pair of boots, and I need to be smart and careful with what money I have…but there’s a part of my brain that’s a whiney 7 yr old, the one you see pitching a fit because Mommy won’t buy her candy at the grocery store, that feels I deserve these boots because HE’s dead. Then there’s the more rational (but still evil) part of my brain that’s trying to rationalize the hell out of the purchase, 1) I deserve these boots because HE’s dead, 2) they’re classics and won’t go out of style for a long time/hold they’re value, 3) I’m pretty much a jeans and t-shirts kind of girl, these boots will dress that look up for certain events, 4) I deserve them because HE’s dead, 5) I get a widow’s allowance, I hate that I get a widow’s allowance, why not save some of it for something I like? I’ll buy the boots as a last blast, then get serious about saving, our wedding anniversary’s coming up, HE owes me. And how low is that?! Using my dead husband to justify a boot purchase?!?!?!

I’ve even done my due diligence and looked at a lot of other less expensive boots to see if there’s something similar that I like at a lesser price. Nope, there isn’t.

Clearly my loins and fashion sense are in league with each other and must be stopped.