Dr Feelgood

I have no reason to be feeling as down and morose as I have today but I’m really struggling today. I think I’m PMSing? (On top of everything else.)

I had a great weekend, my monthly weekend off from work. Shopping with C on Saturday, Sunday I did the “Run for the Cure” (jogged the whole thing except a brief walk at a water station) yeah for me. Then dinner with the P family where I taught Mrs P how to make a big ass-lasagna that got high marks from the rest of the family. Great weekend!

Tomorrow I have off. C and I will do our weekly sushi lunch, then go the fairgrounds to help set up for the 2 day hunter/jumper show that’s part of the huge horse show that runs the entire 6 days of the fair. Wed and Thurs the horse show. It’ll be great! Lots to look forward to!

But I’m honestly about 5 minutes away from tears, and have been the whole day. And I’ve been noticing that it’s harder for me to be at home lately.

I’m starting to wonder if those people who came up with the stages of grieving do know what their talking about. I’m wondering if I’ve been sort of in “denial” for the last few months? I mean, I’ve talked about how it’s obvious that HE’s dead, ashes right over there, blah, blah, blah. But I’ve also talked about how there’s still a part of me that thinks he’ll come home, and now I’m wondering if that part of me was bigger than I thought and reality’s starting to set in?

I don’t know.

I do know it’s very hard for me to sit in the living room at night and watch something. Either I get up and end up doing something else or I end up in tears because something’s reminded me of HIM or that HE’s not there with me or that HE will never be with me again.

There’s still a few areas in the house that need to be sorted out, a closet or two, and I have no motivation to get that off the list. Infact I’ve stopped making “to do” lists entirely; I need to get back to that.

Ditto with the barn, but frankly I’m just getting comfortable going there, seeing the horses and riding, I think sorting through stuff there might be a spring project.

Overall, I’m more emotional than I was a month ago, not just today, in general.

I don’t like it.

There’s still the sleep issue too.

I have the Sublinox, but I’m afraid to take it.

I’ll get to the side effects in a minute but my first worry was that I’ve never taken something like this before, what if I have a medical reaction to it? I live alone…

The possible physical side affects are a laundry list of cold and flue symptoms, abdominal pain, diarrhea, dizziness , drowsiness, dry mouth , fatigue, headache, heartburn , hiccups, loss of appetite, nausea and weakness…hiccups?!

Then there’s the “Mental and Behavioral Changes” it reads as follows:

“A variety of abnormal thinking and behavior changes may occur when you use prescribed sleeping pills. Some of these changes include aggressiveness and extroversion which seem out of character. Other changes, although rare, can be more unusual and extreme. These include confusion, strange behavior, restlessness, irritability, illusions, nightmares, hallucinations, feeling like you are not yourself and feeling more depressed, which may lead to suicidal thinking.”

“Suicidal thinking” and I’ve now got enough pills to carry it out. Fucking wonderful.

And for the record I have NOT had any ideas about suicide, but I am sad, (gross understatement) and probably depressed, so how far down the road is it exactly to suicidal thoughts, and how far down that road will these pills take me?

Then I found this little gem on a Health Canada advisory website: “Sublinox™ is a sublingual formulation of zolpidem that was recently authorised for use in adults in Canada. Sublinox™ (zolpidem tartrate) is indicated for the short-term treatment and symptomatic relief of insomnia characterized by difficulty in falling asleep, frequent nocturnal awakenings and/or early morning awakenings. On the international market, zolpidem has been reported in association with cases of complex sleep behaviours, where people rise from bed while not fully awake and engage unknowingly in activities which they do not remember doing the following morning, such as driving a car, leaving the house, eating food and making phone calls. Complex sleep behaviours are rare but potentially dangerous.”

Great, I already have a history of talking in my sleep, and again, I live alone now.

And I get that they have to write all this stuff out for the same reasons Tim Hortons now has to have a warning about how coffee is hot on their cups, better safe than sorry when it comes to liability…but still…there is nothing I’ve read that makes me comfortable with the idea of taking these pills. Especially since they were prescribes by a doctor who never even talked to me on the phone?!? (BTW that particular ass-hat has a rep in the area for being the local Dr Feelgood, at least as far as writing ‘scripts for his clients go.)

My one and only idea is to stay overnight at C’s the first night I take one, frankly, it’s the only way I’ll be taking one. ‘Tho it’ll have to be on a day I don’t have anything planned for the next morning, which would have been tonight but it’s after 11pm. So, maybe next week, I’ll let you know.

Also, Dr Asshat hasn’t gotten back to me with a referral, which is the main reason I went to see him! Since the appointment I’ve asked a few people if their family doctor’s accepting new patients. Friends at the gym, the barn, my favorite bank teller. The women in line behind me at the bank thought her doctor might be accepting new patients; I’ve got his info and have to follow up.

On top of everything else I’ve been feeling fat and bloated so I got on the stupid scale at the gym and according to it I’ve somehow I’ve managed to gain 10 pounds in less than 3 weeks?! Is that even possible?!?! Ok, granted I have had a few chocolate covered jujube binges, and some steak, but for the most part I've really been getting back on track with eatting well, bringing food to work, eatting more veggies, fruit. So WTF?!?!

I better be PMSing because none of this shit is funny.

...ok, and I have no idea why that one section of text above is in black. I've tried fixing it but it won't work and frankly I don't care that much right now. If I care more tomorrow I'll try fixing it again but for now that's as good as I got.