A few of my favorite things

Images of Wile driving over a cliff have kept me giggling on and off since Friday, a good thing. But I thought I’d also share 2 of my other happy places, we all need them.

First off ANIMALS TALKING ALL IN CAPS http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/

It’s exactly what it says, and hysterically funny alot of the time.



If you google image "Channing Tatum's ass, Magic Mike "
You will get images, but they just don't do him justic,
 just rent the 'frakin movie



Second, have you seen “Magic Mike” yet? Why not?!?! It’s actually got a decent plot, but more importantly you get to see Channing Tatum’s ass.

A lot.

Naked.

And his ass is epic…songs should be written about it.

I do recommend however you don’t watch the movie with your husband, boyfriend, SO or whatever. Guys have body issues too and between Channing Tatum’s ass, the rest of his body and his dance moves there’s just no competing.

Watch it with your girlfriends, over sushi and chocolate cake, that’s what I did.

Bruce Willis?...More like Wile E Coyote

I met with the Technical Traffic blah, blah, blah, today. He still doesn’t have the full coroner’s report but he did let me see one photo of the vehicle after the accident. It was a front shot of the vehicle; it was a Chevy Equinox, basically a SUV/crossover. In the b&w photo it looked like a Honda Accord that looked like it had been in a bad (but not fatal) accident. C went with me and suggested afterwards that that photo was chosen specifically to minimize some of the more horrific aspects of how badly the car was damaged. I also suspect it was chosen because either one of the side shots could have shown blood depending on which side HE was removed from. You couldn’t really tell how very badly the front end was caved in since there was no perspective. ‘Tho CMJ did mention that there was some “intrusion”, basically the engine etc ending up in the front seat. Before seeing the photo he filled us in on some other technical details involving the black box (located in the same compartment that the airbag’s in) and the data it recorded. It was actually pretty interesting despite the fact that we were talking about the last 10 seconds of HIS life. And that’s CMJ’s (unofficial) conclusion, it happened fast, HE was unaware of what was happening and it was over quick. That makes me feel better, thankful even.

I’m also thankful for CMJ; he’s great at his job, really, really great, especially at handling me and somehow making these meetings a lot less of an ordeal.

So how am I doing? I’m ok…infact I think I’m doing too ok? I wanted to see the photo to help jar the little bit of denial I have loose. Problem is the vehicle in the photo looked nothing like what HE had driven to work that morning, so I’m not really sure it worked. Or maybe I’m in shock and it’ll sink in gradually? I guess time will tell…I hate time.

I’m also really grateful again for my friendship with C. She drove me to the appointment, sat with me during it, reassured CMJ that I was doing ok in general, laughed with me a bit, didn’t pat my hand or anything when I did cry, had the good sense to leave me alone for 10 minutes so I could cry some more, returned with some chocolate covered jujubes, then took me to lunch. I hope to be like her one day.

During the meeting we also talked briefly about Bruce Willis, he is the lead investigator for the accident seeing as he was the first officer on scene. And again, I respect the job he and others do and am thankful for him and others being there and trying to help my husband.

That being said, CMJ confirmed as well as having a big heart Bruce is also a bit off a goofball.

Apparently there was an incident involving Bruce’s cruiser getting stuck on train tracks and trains having to be stopped while the cruiser was rescued.

That’s all CMJ told us at first, and I’m sorry, but having met the guy, that’s just funny and totally believable. But the whole story goes right into Wile E Coyote territory.

So how does an officer of the law get his cruiser stuck on train tracks?

Well, they receive a call about a stolen ATV and that it headed down a certain rail route. After getting the cruiser stuck while driving on the tracks Bruce carried on by foot and eventually met up with a driver of another ATV who offered him a lift. For whatever reason Bruce ended up driving the ATV…Ended up driving the ATV over a cliff.

Both he and his passenger were injured, but not badly and now had to walk back to the cruiser, which was still stuck on active train tracks. Trains were stopped...in their tracks…and I guess much paperwork had to be done after the cruiser was rescued.

It wouldn’t surprise me at all if the ATV had an ACME logo on the gas tank and the bottom of the cliff hosted cactuses.

One down, 3 to go

I did the Zombie Race today http://thezombierace.ca/  My first race ever that I did last year, and that HE was at to cheer me on. I cried a little bit on the way there and a bit on the way back but mostly it was ok, I’m glad I did it  They held it at a different location than last year which probably helped a lot, no visions of HIM waiting for me at the same finish line. ‘Tho after the race it was a really fucked up feeling of having those “happy endorphins” after a workout and being sad. My body felt great, my mind, not so much.

The actual race was good ‘tho, despite the fact it rained the entire time. When I’m running I’m too busy thinking about how my breathing’s doing (and my legs, knee joints and hips) to think much about HIM or my life, never mind when I’m dealing with mud, obstacles, hills and zombies.

BTW the key to running a zombie race is when you hit a pack of zombies, try to run behind a group of other runners, let them blaze trail/ distract the zombies and skate through behind them.

Despite doing exactly that I still lost all my “lives” (3 flags a la “flag football") but ended up running the race running with 3 college students (aka hot young guys) where I played sacrificial lamb to distract the zombies and blaze trail so they could make it through with at least one life intact.

Big THANKS to C for getting me on track, literally, without her I wouldn’t have the stamina or confidence to do this kind of thing.

Also big THANKS to P for her “good luck” phone call this morning before the race.

So that’s 1

Since it’s after midnight, today’s our wedding anniversary, 17 years, almost.

I’m trying not to will this into a bad day. Basically trying not to attach too much importance to it and make it a bad day, but still…I don’t have the day off either, I’m working lunch, then have a meeting at the barn + riding, then a brief stop-over at the P family’s, then over to K’s to watch the “Walking Dead”. I’ve tried to keep myself busy, but I’ve also warned everybody that it might be a very bad day for me.

We were always pretty low key about celebrating, dinner at home, either a beef or pork roast or our favorite Indian take out with “traditional presents” exchanged. This year, well, I got my Vince Camuto boots…traditional retail therapy for a widow I guess.

I’m ok right now, I’m just really hoping that I don’t wake up tomorrow and have it hit me like a ton of bricks.

That’s 2

Next Friday I have a meeting with the “Technical Traffic Collision Investigator”. The full coroner’s report hasn’t been released yet but he’s put in a request (since it’s taken so fucking long in his opinion) to have it released. It’ll contain no big surprises; HE died due to blunt force trauma to the head and body, that’s what happens in a fatal car accident. But I still need to read it.

More importantly, Constable MJ has agreed to let me see 1 or 2 carefully chosen photos of our SUV after the crash. If you remember from a long ago post I wanted to see the SUV itself but he strongly warned me against it, so I didn’t. But I do want to see a photo of the SUV, and I know it sounds insane and asking for trouble….BUT what you all need to understand is that both HE and the SUV were there one day, perfectly fine, then gone the next. Disappeared.  I kissed my husband goodnight one night and 6 days later had ashes in a urn, the SUV, small bits of plastic and metal beside the road. It’s still hard for me to accept that HE’s not coming home. I’m hoping that a photo of the wreck will help with that.

Constable MJ sort of understands, he says its part of “closure”, but to his credit I know he’d prefer for me not to want see the photos. And trust me, I’ve tried really, really hard to dismiss the idea of seeing the photos, I know there are some things you can’t “unsee”, but I can’t, I just can’t.

That’s 3

And I think that's enough for one week.

Fight Club

One of the cooks at work quit last Friday. I wasn’t working but apparently it happened after a blazing fight with one of the owners, who’s also the cook’s sister. It was so loud that customers in the main dinning room could hear them. The fight happened in Chinese so nobody knows exactly what it was about, except those who speak Chinese and they ain’t talking about it. This follows us losing another cook just last month so we only have two experienced ones plus a newbie they’re training. So Y, the owner/sister is spending more time in the kitchen helping and less time on the floor which means any shift that usually has 1 waitress now has two, any shift that usually has 2 now has 3. I’m now working 6 days a week.

My schedule was a bit tight before, now it’s down right hectic and things are starting to fall through the cracks. (Like practicing tap which I sorely need!)

This also means more quality time with z’bitch that, after getting a talkin’ to is being pleasant for the most part.

I have managed to nock some things off the list I posted last week, I feel good about that, particularly getting my ticket booked to TX for X-Mas. Yep, it’ll be a guns and ammo Christmas for me! (The P family isn’t 100% sure their going back to Mexico for the holidays and I couldn’t afford to wait to see what they would do/risk being stuck here.)

I also have an appointment with a legit family doctor next month!!!

But I still need to get my ducks in a row as far as school goes, find out if the course I’m thinking of taking will actually be useful, register etc. And with the current situation at work that has me a bit stressed out. There’s only the 3 of us on the floor, my manager, z’bitch and I, going back to school would mean that, at best, I’d only be able to work part time hours; they’ll have to hire someone else. And I do still want to keep working there but there’s also the chance the owners will flat out fire me.

Moreover I’m worried about my manager. She’s already completely stressed out about things at work, but she also has a cruise booked in January (only her second vacation in 4 years) and I don’t want my plans to screw with that.

So I need to get on this schools thing ASAP so I can tell her ASAP and we can figure out a plan.

No rest for the widow.

Actually, on that note, I am sleeping a bit better, I’ve gotten 5 hours a few times! A friend suggested listening to a certain type of music (which I still haven’t checked out) but I’m playing music and it seems to be helping.

‘Tho I’m still having a re-occurring nightmare, I never bothered to mention it before because I just figured it would go away but ever few weeks I have it.

Basically I’m walking home from work at night, get to our front door and start to unlock it and hear a noise behind me. I turn and see a shadowy figure of a man standing there in a long trench coat with flowers in his hand. He’s got longish collar length hair but that’s about all I can make out.

(I should note our front porch is pretty dark, we don’t have an outside light and only get a little from the streetlight across the street.)

He doesn’t say anything but steps towards me to hand me the flowers, I take them and he grabs me around the neck and starts to choke me. I can’t breath, I can’t scream, things start to go dark and then I wake up.

Nice eh?

I can’t figure out what it means or how/if it relates to HIS death other than HE had a trench coat which I didn’t particularly like.

Anyhow, that’s the rundown for now.

Update on z’bitch

(See how I did that, I used the first letter of her name and how I feel about her and made it sound classy and European, aren’t I fucking witty!?!?!?)

So I talked to my manger and she’s going to talk to z’bitch during their next shift together, Wednesday, and see what her damage is and give her a warning about losing shifts. Problem is, my manager is a bit of a marshmallow, so she’ll probably soft peddle the whole thing when she actually talks to z’bitch.

But for now, she did kind of condone me grabbing her by the neck, slamming her into a wall and growling at her. That might be my back up plan.

State of the Union Address

(Normally I’d just call this “random updates” but all the political crap being posted on FB about the US is driving me a bit bat shit crazy)

I saw Craig with a K outside work again on Friday, stood outside futzing with his cell for a few minutes. On the upside he hasn’t darkened my door again.

I have indeed gained 10 pounds over the last little while, and it ain’t muscle Forrest. So I’m seriously getting serious about the gym and my health again. The gym is mandatory unless I’m having a really awful day. It does make me feel a bit better that C told me she’s gained weight too, I mean if the Goddess Divine of the gym and personal training can gain unwanted pounds then it’s reasonable I would too. (‘Tho in her case I don’t know where those pounds are hiding?...possibly her toes are enormously fat?)

So starting today I’m getting back on track, did the morning lower body class and ran 3k, also coming up with meal ideas, ‘tho I still hate the idea of cooking for one.

Dr Asshat still hasn’t gotten back to me with a referral and every time I’ve phoned the line is busy or nobody answer’s the phone, and they don’t have an answering machine. A friend mentioned she has the name of a GP accepting new patients so I’m following up with that.

For grief counseling I’m going to be phoning therapists directly, explain my situation (incl. Dr Asshat) and seeing how we can work it from that end.

Oh, and I still haven’t tried the sleeping pills.

I’m also back to making lists. I had stopped for awhile thinking I didn’t really need them, but I do. And I’m not talking grocery lists, I’ve always needed them, I’m talking about what I need to get done lists. They keep me going forward instead of just drifting, the difference between being active and pro-active with my new life.

The list this week:

-         Figure out grief therapy

-         Book plane ticket out of here for Christmas

-         Follow up on GP referral

-         Get old dressers and bookcases out of here

-         Phone HIS Mom back. (She left a depressing message last week and I just couldn’t deal with it, and still don’t want to.)

-         Seriously start looking into going back to school.

-         Talk to R (friend and accountant) and figure out a game plan for contacting Revenue Canada. I’m a big fan of “letting sleeping dogs lie” but I haven’t heard SFA from them since R got our tax stuff done and I want to get that sorted out.

The above is along with every day stuff, work, ride, gym, tap, and the general idea that I should do some house cleaning. Plus spending time with friends that I feel I’ve been missing either via e-mail or face to face.

‘Tho all the above will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m working a split today with my idiot co-worker who’s morphed into a miserable, sour bitch. I’ve seen it before but now that I’m regularly working 2 shifts with her a week (without our manager around) she’s just become miserable towards me. I can’t figure out if she’s just really good at faking happy/polite with costumers/kitchen staff and can’t be to do so with me or if she’s intentionally being a bitch to me. Either way, that shit needs to stop. If HE where still alive I’d blow it off or figure out how to manager her, or just be a bitch right back, but I honestly don’t have it in me right now.

So, feeling slightly like a 12 year old running to mommy to tattle, I’ll be talking to my manager about it. I did talk to her about it a bit awhile ago but all she did was talk to both of us about how we’re co-workers and need to at least be polite to each other, since then things have escalated and I’m pretty much fed up. What I really want to do is grab her around the neck, throw her against the wall and growl at her to knock it the fuck off.

 I honestly hate that she’s able to upset me, ‘tho I guess I upset pretty easy these days. What’s worse is I’ve got enough to deal with, I don’t need the dread of “fuck, I’m working with her today” first thing in the morning. I mean I’m waitressing for Christ’s sakes; it’s not like a high-pressure, competitive job where the pay cheque’s big enough to make up for toxic co-workers.

Demolition Derby...where's the Fonz when you need him?

Christ, if Thanksgiving’s any indication Christmas is going to be a bitch. Quell surprise, n’est pas?

It’s not even so much “Thanksgiving”; it’s the damn fall fair in town. Seven days of horse shows, concerts, demolition derbies, monster trucks, tractor pulls, mid-way rides and all the junk you can eat. I volunteer for the horse show, have for the past 5 years and working the hunter/jumper show that's part of the fair was fine, great in fact. I work the in-gate and it keeps me very busy, basically I make sure competitors get into the ring in some semblance of order and let the judge know who’s about to jump the course. It sounds way easier than it is, it’s herding cats but the cats weight 1200 pounds and may or may not be ridden by a diva and may or may not be accompanied by a horse show Mom or coach who eat “Dance Moms” for breakfast.

Anyhow, volunteering at the fair keeps me too busy to dwell and was something I always did totally unrelated to HIM.

The Wednesday night demolition derby is a different story. HE’d get off work early and we’d go together. Picnic in the stands with foot long corn dogs, ribs and mini donuts. I made the mistake of staying at the fair that night with the intention of watching it this year. I lasted about 5 minutes then left. Mostly it was HE wasn’t there with me, but also, having your husband die in a violent car accident isn’t indicative of enjoying people intentionally crash cars into each other. A smarter person probably would have thought of this beforehand...not me.

I used to love demolition derbies; I guess that’s over too.

We’d also pop over to the fair randomly when I had time off work, it’s within walking distance of our house, so we’d go on some rides, wander around, watch whatever other horse show was happening, eat junk.

I did go back last night with a friend, it was fun, we wandered around, ate junk, but hearing the noise of the tractor pull going on tonight just made me really emotional.

(A tractor pull made me emotional…Jesus Christ I’m really losing it.)

So October’s just going to be a bad month. I’m also staring down the throat of our 17^th wedding anniversary at the end of this month. Then I get a month “off” before December, but who are we kidding, a few stores already have started putting Christmas stuff out. Who the hell makes these descisions at Wal Mart anyhow?!?!?

Tomorrow I’m doing dinner with friends, before that, riding at the barn; it’s also the last day of fair so hopefully I’ll be a bit brighter once it packs up.

BTW I was PMSing last week, but I don’t think that has anything to do with how I’m feeling now and I’m still pretty irate about everything I was bitching about last week.

Oh fuck, and I gotta mention this: Both mornings of the hunter/jumper show I went to Tim Horton’s to pick up coffees (at 7:30 in the morning) and guess who was there, yep, Craig with a K. Thing is, seeing him there felt legit, we just both happened to be at the nearest Timmies to our homes getting coffees at the same time, which made his work walk bys feel all the more creepy. I gave him a non-enthusiastic “’morning” and kept going.

That seems to be my new mantra, just “keep going”. At some point I hope I’ll figure out where.