Guilty Admission

Let’s start this with talking about how we judge people, and let’s cut the bullshit, we all judge people. It’s true. Whenever you hear someone say “I don’t judge people….” you know they’re about to. (Like whenever you hear “I’m not a racist…” you just know that person’s about to become a fuckwit).

Anyhow, we all judge people, and it’s always a good or bad judgment, ‘tho not necessarily an important one that affects how you feel deep down about the person. IE “Good god, she does not have the thighs to pull off skinny jeans”. Then there are other judgments that will affect how you feel about a person to the core and the rest of my post might very well change your opinion of me.

 I struggled for a long time about writing this, then even more time about actually posting it. I also talked to C and P about what was going on and what they thought of me and the situation I have found myself in, and it’s given me the balls to write this out.

And I do worry about being judged negatively by all of you because for the most part you’re people I’ve invited to read this blog, which means I consider you a good and trusted friend. I’d hate to lose that…I’d also hate to not post this because this blog is about me and how I’m dealing with things, and this is part of it. And I’m pretty sure this is going to be hard for a lot of you to understand since you haven’t had to deal with losing a husband, it’s hard for me to understand, so how can I expect you to?

So, for better or worse, you’re going to judge me, here we go.

Despite the fact I was told by K (another widow) “no men for at least a year”, (for very good reason) and that I still have serious crying jags over missing HIM and that I have little enough time to spend with my friends and have about a million other things I should be thinking/doing, I’ve been spending some time with a male friend.

He’s been a regular at work for about 3 years now, and has been flirting with me a little for about 3 years, and yes, he’s one of the Mexican farm workers. We’ll call him JO.

About 3 months after HE died JO asked me out, in all fairness I never wore jewelry to work so he’d probably have no idea I was married never mind widowed. I turned him down. He looked crestfallen; I felt bad and explained that I was recently widowed. JO went through the usual facial expressions of shock and the usual mumbles about “I’m really sorry” etc. (His English is about as good as my Spanish, meaning not great but ok).

About a month ago he asked if I wanted to go for coffee after I was done work, “solomente amigos”, only as friends. I turned him down. Partly because it felt really wrong to say yes, partly because I was tired and had to work the rest of the weekend, partly because I wasn’t attracted to him at all and partly because of K’s warning of no men for at least a year….and who are we kidding, “solomente amigos”, yeah, right.

It’s not the first time I’ve been asked out, or the second, or 3^rd since HE died, Mexican or local. I’ve been working on a theory that my life’s fucked up enough right now that my body chemistry has changed and I’m throwing off some weird pheromone that makes me attractive to men.

Anyhow, I turned him down saying I was tired and had to work early the next day.

A few weeks ago he asked me out for coffee again, “solomente amigos”, I don’t know why I said yes, other than I was in a good mood and had the weekend off, but I did say yes.

We met after I had changed from work, at which point I realized the only place to get coffee at 10pm at night was the skeazy Tim Horton’s near my place. I didn’t want to go to one of the skeazy bars, too much like a date, and to be honest, I didn’t want to go to one of the nice bars, too much like a date and people I know hang out at the nice bars. How am I going to expect them to understand why I’m there with a guy when I don’t even know?

I also wasn’t keen on having the pressure of sitting across from JO and trying to make conversation, or worse, force it. I suggested going to play pool at one of the skeazy bars, he countered with playing pool at the local Portuguese Club, and off we went.

I had fun, we had a few beers, laughed about our pool playing and English/Spanish skills, talked about our jobs, music and all the other stuff you talk about getting to know someone.

He wouldn’t let me pay for anything.

Insisted on walking me home.

When I thanked him for a nice night out he said “No medigas gracias lo ago porti”, (No need to thank I do it for you).

Then he kissed me on the hand.

Then on the inside of the wrist.

Then he kissed me on the lips.

And I kissed him back.

Then had a “OH GOOD GOD” moment and backed into the door. Horrified, stunned, guilty and sad.

JO was very quick to apologize, looking kinda horrified himself. I said it was partial my fault and that I was sorry but “solomente amigos”. He apologized again, kissed my hand, told me to have a good night and left. I went inside and beat up on myself while chain smoking cigarettes.

The next day he sent me a text saying he hoped I was having a good day off, that he had a good time last night and that he was sorry about the kiss. I texted him back something along the lines of it was ok, I was going riding and I hoped he had a good day at work.

Spent the rest of the day alternately feeling horrible and thinking about the kiss and how nice it was.

We traded a few more texts back and forth over the next few days and he asked if I wanted to get together for dinner “solomente amigos”...a smarter, appropriate, widow would have said no. I didn’t.

I could list all the thought process and justifications down but it basically came down to this: I did have fun with him playing pool, he’s interesting and funny, I’m comfortable with him and if he keeps his lips away from mine we’ll be good.

This is going to seem like I’m inviting trouble into mi casa but I invited him to come over for dinner. I hated the thought of him paying for dinner on top of our last night out. He had already told me that when he goes back to Mexico he works in construction and makes around the equivalent to $70 CAD a week?!?!?! That’s insane and sad. Dinner at a decent restaurant would easily cost more than half his weeks’ wages in Mexico.

…..So he spent more than 20% of his week’s wages in Mexico and took a cab to my place.

I “cooked” a frozen lasagna (the last remaining food item dropped off after HE died, ironic and fucked up) while we traded Spanish/English dictionaries and words back and forth and ended up watching a movie, in Spanish.

He put his arm around me, I slouched into him.

He picked up my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist, I curled up against him.

He did not keep his lips away from mine.

I did not throw myself off the couch.

Nor did I have an “Oh good god” moment, lightening didn’t strike me down; HIS urn didn’t fly across the room and shatter.

I kissed a boy and I liked it.

And I feel guilty for it and I feel more guilty that I don’t feel more guilty about it.

A lot of you, especially those that know and loved James, are thinking “How could you?!?!?”, and I’m with you, how could I?!?!?... I don’t know.

I don’t feel like I’m cheating on HIM, but I do feel like I’m cheating on HIS memory. And I’ve bitched before about how I hate time and I wish this “grieving process” would get over and done with but this new situation feels way too soon, disrespectful infact.

But it was nice, more than nice actually. Just curling up on the couch with someone was a nice, comfortable novelty, and I hate to say it something that hasn’t happened in many years.

At the time of the writing of this we’ve seen each other a handful of times.

For his part JO seems to understand and respect my boundaries, both physical and emotional, and he doesn’t push them. His hands can roam around my arms, shoulders, neck and back, period. And he understands that’s not going to change anytime soon. He also understands that it’s almost impossible for me to answer questions about me or my life without mentioning HIM. I appreciate his understanding.

He tells me I’m beautiful, and I honestly believe he thinks so, not because he tells me, but by the way he treats me, and I will save you from the gooey details but geez…he kisses the inside of my wrist…just randomly for no apparent reason. 

He also treats me like the total princess that I’m not. Doors are opened for me, things are carried, he’s cooked dinner for me, he wants to help me winterize the windows, he worries about me having to shovel snow this winter?!

And I wasn’t attracted to him the night we played pool, but he gets more handsome to me every time I see him.

Do I think this is the start of a big new relationship? No, nor do I want one. The fact is in a few weeks he’ll be leaving to go back to Mexico, and assuming he comes back it won’t be for 5 months. And frankly, I think that’s a good thing.

Am I trying to replace HIM? No, there’s no replacing HIM

Am I one of those girls that has to have a guy in her life to validate herself? No, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been that kind of girl. I hope to god I’m not.

Am I using JO to distract myself from the new realities of my life? Yes but I’m very conscious about not making him too much of a distraction.

…when C and I talked about this she did have the opinion that hanging out with JO was no different than hanging out with her or P or other friends. Which makes sense until I told her that she had never kissed me the way JO has.

C’s reply: “well, not yet…”.

Everybody should have someone like C in their life.

For P’s part, she thinks it’s nice and not a bad thing that there’s someone who I’m comfortable spending time with. I also think she’s maybe struggling with the idea a bit since she’s been friends with HE and I for so long. I appreciate her support because of that.

Other than feeling unfaithful to HIS memory, I’m struggling with the whole “judgment” issue. We all judge people, we all hate to be judged and a lot of us say “I don’t care what people think”. But I do care what some people think, friends who read this blog and a few important people in my life who don’t. Specifically my parents, D and the P Family.

Any thing they or you might be thinking I’ve already thought about myself and this situation, believe me, but it’s more complicated with them.

I also don’t want anyone thinking JO’s taking advantage of someone in a weakened emotional state or something along those lines; he’s a good person, or at least a good person to me. And besides, it takes two to tango. I could have thrown myself off the couch, I choose not to.

We’re keeping this on the down low, and I feel bad about that.

So there you go. I’m spending time with a male friend who is kind, funny, smart and kisses the inside of my wrist.

Update: I’ve sat on this for a few weeks while trying to decide whether I wanted post this or not, obviously I decided I should.

JO and his lips are now back in Mexico. We saw each other once or twice a week for about a month. It remained fun and comfortable; he never pushed my boundaries. He helped me winterize the windows.

He said he’d like to pick up where we left off when he returns, I’ve said ok, but let’s be honest; god knows where I’ll be in 5 months, literally and figuratively.

I’m thinking of this little chapter in my life as a romantic get away from the daily grind of widowhood, a little unreality in my reality.

I don’t regret it but nor do I plan to repeat it anytime soon.

I’ve known all along that K’s right about “no men for at least a year”, I never doubted that, and I can understand why now more than ever. On one hand I struggled with the whole “WTF am I doing?!?!” Bad Widow!! BAD!! On the other it’s too tempting to just go with it, getting wrapped up in the addictive cozy feeling of a boy liking you. I very consciously tried to not get wrapped up in it, the fact that I knew he was leaving helped, but part of me very much wanted to dwell in that cozy feeling for good.

The reality is, kisses on the wrist make me feel better about my life but they don’t solve any of the problems. And this little romance could be a good sign of me moving forward, or the total opposite…I don’t know, but I’m not going to regret it.

Getting the Ball Rolling

So I’m back to my lists, and getting stuff crossed off.

I’ve got an appointment with a grief counselor Dec. 13^th, longer than I want to wait but he’s apparently very good. I’ve remained sane for this long, thanks to friends and writing this blog so I’m pretty sure I can hang on longer.

I’m also now registered for school. Two night courses in the “Bookkeeping Certificate” curriculum. I wanted to take a 3^rd but the other 2 offered are only taught on the same nights?!?!

My other option is to take a 3rd course that’s offered online…I’m not sure how that’d work out. One minute I’m doing course work and 3 hours later I’m watching Top Gear videos on You Tube? I’m mulling it over.

What I’d like is to take 3 courses this semester, if they go well then I’d complete the course over the summer during a “fast track” program. If I’m struggling a bit I can take some courses over the summer then complete the course during the fall night classes. Either way I should be able to keep working while studying.

Which brings me to the whole work issue.

The P family came into work last Friday and one of their son’s, F,  asked me how I was doing, I told him “bored to death” (it was a slow night), he looked at me and said “do you even like working here?”

….Good question, complicated question, question I’ve been mulling over since last Friday.

I like some of the people I work with.

I like some of our regular customers.

I really like working busy Friday nights when I get to practice my Spanish….because I get to practice my Spanish and some of the guys are eye-candy.

Do I laugh at work? Yes, sometimes I have fun.

BUT

Do I look forward to going to work? No

Do I find my job challenging? No, the only challenge is getting along with certain “personalities” at work.

Do I want to work there the rest of my life? Hell no

And that’s not exactly a big surprise, I’ve talked before about the need to bring in more money and that I kind of settled into a rut of working at the restaurant and that another job was a necessity, but I’ve come to realize, I don’t like my job.

Granted, because we’re short staffed I’m there way too much and that’s not helping my perspective but I don’t like my job in general. I deal with one surly co-worker on a regular basis (she’s been better lately but yesterday we were back to square one). The owners of the restaurant tend to take their bad moods out on the staff, and even before we got short staffed they started to pile on more prep-work but no extra time to complete it, and get pissed if we don’t. I’ve been rolling my eyes a lot at them, never a good sign. The customers generally don’t understand the concept of 15% and we get a lot of messy families to clean up after.

Case in point, I’m writing this after calling in sick to work. I’m not sick. I’ve got stuff I need to get done piling up and frankly, didn’t feel like dealing with surly co-worker 2 days in a row.

Trying to be objective, I think the main reason I’m there is out of loyalty to my manager (who I do like a lot, even ‘tho she drives me crazy sometimes) because if I leave she’s screwed over until she trains someone new. And we’re all already pretty screwed over because of being short staffed in the kitchen. That’s only if I found a new job immediately that needed me to start immediately which isn’t the case, but I’d feel horrible if that was the case.

And yeah, I’m not supposed to make any big changes for another 6 months, but what if it’s a positive change? Do I continue in a job rut where I’m not happy? That doesn’t make sense.

I don’t know…I was thinking: take night courses this winter, more over the summer, possibly fall,  keep working at the restaurant where I know what I’m doing/know what to expect then start looking for a new job after my schooling is done. But I don’t like my job, and now that I’ve realized that, working there for 6 to 12 months seems like endless drudgery.

I’m trying to figure out if I should thank F for his innocent question or not?

Slippery Slope

Despite my “The Breakup” post (from months ago) I’m drinking a lot of coffee, large double double, and still smoking, and smoking too much. I’m going to the gym but still inconsistently, my eating habits range from healthy to really, really not.

I also have to get back to making lists. I think it’s like being mentally unstable and needing to take meds. Sometimes people take the meds and feel normal enough to stop taking them, then things start unraveling. I need to keep making lists to stay on top of things.

I’ll be taking night classes starting in January, but haven’t registered yet, what am I waiting for?

Ditto with grief counseling, there’s nothing stopping me from opening up the phone book and getting on it, but I haven’t.

There are long overdue e-mails I have to reply to and some I need to write.

Things are also starting to pile up in the house, including tumble weeds of cat hair.

I guess I can blame my work schedule for part of it, it’s still insane, and given the choice when I do have down time I’d rather go to the barn and ride than sweep – which I actually think is a good thing, the barn is back to being a fun place for the most part. I’m also busy socially, also a good thing I think.

But I have to keep on top of the important “moving forward” things, my hope is to become a better me despite (or maybe because?) of losing him…frankly, I need to be a better me, I don’t want to backslide into some existence of just being. Or worse, settling. I want to live a good life, pro-active, responsible and happy. Obviously I have great friends/family that can, have and will help me, but this new life is pretty much on me. It’s scary and tiring. Overwhelming when I think too much about it. So I’m not going to over think it, I’m going to make my list for this week and just keep crossing things off it, it’s simpler that way and I actually get shit done rather than thinking of all the shit I need to get done.

Footnote: I dropped out of tap class. The 45 min class wasn’t a big problem with my new (insane) work schedule but I needed to practice during the week to even marginally keep up with the rest of the class and I was having problems fitting that in. If I didn’t practice the class went from fun and slightly embarrassing to stressful, and I’m trying to cut down on my stress not add to it. Also, when I signed up it was to get me out of the house more, and that’s defiantly not a problem now. I have my tap shoes and notes from class so I can still mess around with it in my kitchen. I feel bad that I quit but, well, I mean come on, its tap dancing not finding the cure for cancer.

The End of the Affair

Last week I got a call from CMJ, HIS coroner’s report was finally in and so back to the police station I went.

As far as the police angle goes this is the final business of HIS life, it’ll be filed and that’s it, also the final trip for me to interview room #2 with CMJ.

I like him, he’s good at his job/handling me. He made a quip about “our usual room”, I replied “we have to quit meeting like this”, his response “people are starting to talk”.

I mean who says stuff like that before talking about a final coroner’s report?!?! CMJ and I, and I’m glad for it. Everyone should have CMJ in their life when dealing with something like this.

There was only one surprise and one ugly truth.

When a wreck that significant happens it’s not any big surprise that “blunt force trauma” is the cause of death, ribs, sternum and collarbone where all broken. I imagine other things were too but CMJ didn’t mention them because they didn’t lead to his death.

The surprise: HE was suffering from “mild to moderate” heart disease. Not that it matters now but other than the smoking I thought he was pretty healthy, I guess that’s another bullet HE dodged.

The ugly truth: HE didn’t die instantly.

I’d been content to assume HE did until told otherwise, and finding out exactly when HE died has been a big question in my mind, something I didn’t want to know but needed to know, if that makes any sense?

HE was breathing (but unconscious) when he was pulled from the wreck, ditto when put in the ambulance, he stopped breathing in transit to the hospital and was pronounced on arrival.

That’s anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes that HE was fighting to live, that’s almost unbearable to me. Unconscious or not, what was going through HIS mind? Did HE realize what had happened? Did HE know why he was fighting or what he was fighting for? Did HE think of me?

Or was HIS brain on autopilot, so busy trying to keep his heart pumping and his lungs breathing that nothing else mattered?

I’m hoping for the latter, if it wasn’t a quick death I’m hoping, and infact assuming, that HE was oblivious to everything except trying to stay alive. Anything else is unbearable to me.

So there you have it.

I’ve gotten the answers to the questions I had that can be answered. There’s a whole list of others that can’t be and I’ll have to live with that, I don’t really have much choice.

I thanked CMJ for all of his time and told him that I thought he was really good at his job, and I honestly meant it. Everything from telling me flat out that going to clean out the SUV would do me more harm than good, and going to do it himself, to our final meeting about the coroner’s report was handled exactly the way I needed it to be handled. Or more accurately, I was handled exactly the way I needed to be handled.

I don’t get the feeling he gets thanked a lot and I guess that’s understandable, but I think it’s a shame. Both P and C have said people are in your life for a reason, season or lifetime, I’m glad CMJ was in mine.

Habit Forming

Had a busy “dealing with regular life” day yesterday.

8:30 am Meeting with the “Student Success Advisor” (lmao!?!?) at the local college about the course I’m thinking of taking.

10:00 am Doctor’s appointment with my new family doctor! It was just a meeting to see if we suited each other, I think we do. She was reading over my form about past medical history and saw the part where it asked about smoking. She looks at me, and totally deadpan asked “You smoke? Are you rich?” It totally cracked me up. I have an appointment for a full physical with her, Dr. E, in a few weeks.

The kicker about Dr. E, she’s a nun…yep, a real habit and wimple wearing nun, and nothing bland about her, she wears blue.

11:00 am, oil change for Oliver. Also bought him a totally inappropriate hitch cover, inappropriate considering how HE died, but it makes me laugh so I’m going with it.

Then stopped at the local employment center to pick their brains about my employment chances if I take the “Book Keeping” course. (Chances are better than if I took the “Office Basics” computer course). Then off to the hardware store to pick up winterizing kits for out windows, then lunch with C.

After lunch, clean kitchen, groceries, ride.

A good, productive day, things crossed off the list. I feel good about a day off well used but I’m also finding days like yesterday hard. It’ll occur to me during the day that I’m getting on with my life, not our life. And I mean it’s good and all that I’m getting on with my life but…I still much prefer our life.

On that note, there have been some, and I hate to admit it, positive things that have developed since HE died.

Going back to school is one of them. I had pretty much settled into a rut as far as my work life went, this gave me the kick in the ass to move (hopefully) forward.

More importantly I have much stronger friendships now, new ones, and although I always appreciated my very good friends I have a far better understanding for why we’re friends and how deep that friendship goes. I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to explain.

CM, a friend from the barn (the one who took care of our horses while I was a complete mess) recently mentioned in an e-mail “As much as I hate that James died, we have gotten to know each other more and this is a cool thing.” And she’s right. And she’s turning into a very good friend.

C and I were talking the other day about people we know that will self-create problems then whine, bitch, moan, not accept responsibility and throw massive pity parties for themselves, and how we have no use for them. Self created or not we tend to just deal with problems, probably while repeating THIS FUCKING SUCKS to ourselves. And that is the common thread between my good friends. Any pity-parties are limited to conversations/rants looking for input on how best to solve the problem, never broadcast on Face Book, then life goes on.

I guess basically I’m learning and growing from this experience, but it seems wrong, and feels horrible, to put a “positive” spin on HIS death.

I’ve had a few people ask about the grief counseling here’s an update:

The pressure if off to find one in the 6 month time span from HIS death. I talked to the “Benefits Counselor” at my insurance company and there never was any time limit! I have no idea where I got the 6 month time limit, but it was firmly stuck in my brain that I had 6 months to get into counseling for them to pay for it. Totally not the case. Also, I don’t have to have one referred to me by a family doctor. Apparently she suggested my family doctor could probably refer me to someone, but I can find someone myself.

I’m completely relieved, but I do question why they don’t write this shit down for you for reference after you meet with them? Would have saved me the whole Dr Asshat episode!

Anyways, I’m going to get myself a therapist/grief counselor in the next few weeks, I think I’ll need one with Christmas approaching…hell, I know I need one now, so off I go therapist shopping.

A few of my favorite things

Images of Wile driving over a cliff have kept me giggling on and off since Friday, a good thing. But I thought I’d also share 2 of my other happy places, we all need them.

First off ANIMALS TALKING ALL IN CAPS http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/

It’s exactly what it says, and hysterically funny alot of the time.



If you google image "Channing Tatum's ass, Magic Mike "
You will get images, but they just don't do him justic,
 just rent the 'frakin movie



Second, have you seen “Magic Mike” yet? Why not?!?! It’s actually got a decent plot, but more importantly you get to see Channing Tatum’s ass.

A lot.

Naked.

And his ass is epic…songs should be written about it.

I do recommend however you don’t watch the movie with your husband, boyfriend, SO or whatever. Guys have body issues too and between Channing Tatum’s ass, the rest of his body and his dance moves there’s just no competing.

Watch it with your girlfriends, over sushi and chocolate cake, that’s what I did.

Bruce Willis?...More like Wile E Coyote

I met with the Technical Traffic blah, blah, blah, today. He still doesn’t have the full coroner’s report but he did let me see one photo of the vehicle after the accident. It was a front shot of the vehicle; it was a Chevy Equinox, basically a SUV/crossover. In the b&w photo it looked like a Honda Accord that looked like it had been in a bad (but not fatal) accident. C went with me and suggested afterwards that that photo was chosen specifically to minimize some of the more horrific aspects of how badly the car was damaged. I also suspect it was chosen because either one of the side shots could have shown blood depending on which side HE was removed from. You couldn’t really tell how very badly the front end was caved in since there was no perspective. ‘Tho CMJ did mention that there was some “intrusion”, basically the engine etc ending up in the front seat. Before seeing the photo he filled us in on some other technical details involving the black box (located in the same compartment that the airbag’s in) and the data it recorded. It was actually pretty interesting despite the fact that we were talking about the last 10 seconds of HIS life. And that’s CMJ’s (unofficial) conclusion, it happened fast, HE was unaware of what was happening and it was over quick. That makes me feel better, thankful even.

I’m also thankful for CMJ; he’s great at his job, really, really great, especially at handling me and somehow making these meetings a lot less of an ordeal.

So how am I doing? I’m ok…infact I think I’m doing too ok? I wanted to see the photo to help jar the little bit of denial I have loose. Problem is the vehicle in the photo looked nothing like what HE had driven to work that morning, so I’m not really sure it worked. Or maybe I’m in shock and it’ll sink in gradually? I guess time will tell…I hate time.

I’m also really grateful again for my friendship with C. She drove me to the appointment, sat with me during it, reassured CMJ that I was doing ok in general, laughed with me a bit, didn’t pat my hand or anything when I did cry, had the good sense to leave me alone for 10 minutes so I could cry some more, returned with some chocolate covered jujubes, then took me to lunch. I hope to be like her one day.

During the meeting we also talked briefly about Bruce Willis, he is the lead investigator for the accident seeing as he was the first officer on scene. And again, I respect the job he and others do and am thankful for him and others being there and trying to help my husband.

That being said, CMJ confirmed as well as having a big heart Bruce is also a bit off a goofball.

Apparently there was an incident involving Bruce’s cruiser getting stuck on train tracks and trains having to be stopped while the cruiser was rescued.

That’s all CMJ told us at first, and I’m sorry, but having met the guy, that’s just funny and totally believable. But the whole story goes right into Wile E Coyote territory.

So how does an officer of the law get his cruiser stuck on train tracks?

Well, they receive a call about a stolen ATV and that it headed down a certain rail route. After getting the cruiser stuck while driving on the tracks Bruce carried on by foot and eventually met up with a driver of another ATV who offered him a lift. For whatever reason Bruce ended up driving the ATV…Ended up driving the ATV over a cliff.

Both he and his passenger were injured, but not badly and now had to walk back to the cruiser, which was still stuck on active train tracks. Trains were stopped...in their tracks…and I guess much paperwork had to be done after the cruiser was rescued.

It wouldn’t surprise me at all if the ATV had an ACME logo on the gas tank and the bottom of the cliff hosted cactuses.