Random Updates



Evil dwells here



I officially hate IKEA. Two phone calls to their customer service dept, 2 trips to different stores in town, and $25 in light bulbs (one was an expensive LED) that don’t fucking work. Of course to open the packing of these light bulbs you pretty much have to destroy the packaging so returning them isn’t really an option. “Swedish by design” has taken on a new meaning.

Luckily I have CH who has offered to pick some up for me.

The last 2 nights I’ve actually slept not too bad. Actually It’s not the sleeping, it’s the falling asleep that’s the problem and last night it went pretty good.

I’m still waiting on my new dressers to be delivered; I’m hoping it’ll happen this Saturday. Right now my cloths are in 3 dressers in 2 different rooms and getting dressed is a pain in the ass. I keep forgetting which cloths are in which dresser and wander from room to room trying to get myself together. If there was anyone around to see me it would be embarrassing.

The “thank you” cards are written and mailed off. I’ll admit a lot of them said pretty much the same thing but a few were really hard to write.

Writing HIS boss was the hardest. I’d only met OL once before, a big intimidating bear of a man, Russian to boot. HE really respected OL and, other than the commute, really loved his job; apparently OL had a lot of respect for HIM too. At the funeral I was surprised to see 2 of HIS former employers at the funeral; I hadn’t remembered to call them. OL did. He got HIS resume out and phoned them, the competition, I hate to say it but I was surprised by that thoughtfulness. He also “passed the hat” at work, but more importantly had a photo of HIM, taken at a job site, printed for me and had everyone sign the back of it. It’s probably the last photo taken of HIM, and looks exactly as I want to remember HIM, slightly scruffy but very happy. HIS huge grin on his face. I’ve had the photo and back copied for my parents and HIS family.

How do you really thank someone for that kind of caring?

I haven’t been to the gym in weeks, only been there twice since it happened. Part of it’s that even ‘tho I’m not a morning person, I like to hit the gym early in the morning, and because of sleep issues that’s a problem. The other reason is that going to the gym is like a habit, and I’m out of the habit with going. Also, despite the fact I’ve been eating crap I’ve lost weight, only 6 pounds but still. I do worry its muscle weight but the other part of me’s saying “you lost 6 pounds, you don’t need to go to the gym yet”….which at this point is stupid because I know better. It’s not about my weight, its how I look and feel. And because of smoking too much, sleeping too little and eating crap I feel like a slug….despite the fact a number of people have told me that I look great….what can I say, death becomes me?

Anyhow, C to the rescue! This Monday I’m to show up at the gym and sweat, or she’ll be showing up at my door.

The other major part of our former life that needs attention is the horses. I need to go out there more, ride, or just throw them carrots. I feel like a negligent owner. Don’t get me wrong, their very well taken care of. Between the farm owner, D, and another boarder who dotes on both of them they’re not suffering from food, water or being spoiled. But they are my responsibility and I need to step up.

Our house is in not bad order. The 14 boxes of books were donated to the Cerebral Palsey Foundation. CH did offer to sell them for me on Kijiji but it just seemed like such a burden, and a lot of work, for what would be very little money in the end. So my dinning room needs a bit of a clean up but all those boxes are gone!

The living room’s good.

My new bedroom’s barren and awaiting new furniture.

Our old bedroom’s in good shape, I just need to move the old dressers out once they’re emptied of my cloths.

The sewing room’s still a problem child ‘tho. It was in good shape for about 36 hours then I started moving stuff between the two bedrooms and I’m still sorting out what should go where. I think that’ll be my job for this weekend.

So things are falling into place on that front.

It’s actually a bit scary, I’ve been using sorting out our house as a huge distraction and once it’s done I’ll have to tackle some bigger, scary issues.

I can’t continue this life indefinitely. HE was the main wage earner, and I need to find another job. Or, as my parents want me to do, go back to school and start a career….at 42 years old.

There is some money attached to HIS death, through our car insurance, so I could go back to school for a year, keep a part time job and survive.

I just don’t know what to do, what my best bet is. What I’d like to do is “just be” for the next year. Get used to this. Problem is that it’ll eat into a fair bit of the money and by next fall, when I know what I want to do, I might not be able to afford tuition.

…mind you, it’s mid-Aug now, it’s unlikely I could enroll for this fall anyways for whatever hastily made “career” I decide on now.

Anyhow, I guess that’s my next big stress, finances and how to successfully live my life independently. I have these really optimistic moments where I think it’s exciting to overhaul my life, that’s always followed by guilt ‘tho. And mostly the idea just scares me. There seems to be such a small margin for error.

I guess for now, getting another or better job to cover the bills, being careful with the money and look into maybe going back to school in 2013.

Mentally I’m still pretty fractured. One minute I’ll be fine, the next not so much. My idiot co-worker, Z, had me in tears last Friday, with the place packed. I was having a bad day emotionally and she started in on some bullshit about how she “has a smile on my face for me, not anyone else, because it makes me feel good, blah, blah, blah”. Put a smile on my face?! I’m TRYING!!! Do you think I want to be this fucked up, at work no less?!?!?!?! And frankly putting a smile on my face to make me feel better completely underestimates how deeply I’m hurting. My husband died, not my goldfish.

Of course I said none of the above to Z and bolted to the bathroom, crying, in front of a packed restaurant. Embarrassing and un-professional. Thanks Z… I just want to deck her, which has added another rule to the list: No assault charges.

That might be a tough one.

I guess that’s pretty much the rundown on things, for better or worse….or maybe it’s more accurate to say “the better and the worse”.

In any case I’m getting through, day by day and will continue to get though, day by day, because I don’t have much choice…. or excuse since I’ve made it this far.