Maximum Overdrive

This will probably be my last post until I get back from Texas, I leave next week and I’m a bit panicked about everything I have to do before I go.

It’s not just the packing, and I am a horrible packer, I always, always, always over pack for trips. I cannot seem to quiet that little voice in my head that says “But what if…?” so I end up packing for just about any reasonable scenario that could happen at the local I’m going, and a few unreasonable ones too.

There’s also my parents who are showing up the day before I get home, the house needs to be cleaned…even ‘tho my Mom will clean it again when she gets here. Then there’s all the odds and ends, horses, cat care, blah, blah blah and work, both of them!

I went in to J’s office last week and met with the manager, it wasn’t really an interview, we just chatted a bit and I gave her my resume, she asked when I could come in for some training and that’s what I did last Wed and Thurs. J says the manager, LD, likes me and since they want me in again this coming week and when I get back from Texas it’s kind of assumed that I have the job. Again, it’s only temporary/part time, but still, I’m pretty excited about it. And so far I like it, it’s different, I get along with everyone and there are some parts of the job that’ll be challenging for me. And it pays well.

So Thurs night after my shift at the restaurant I had to tell D I couldn’t work any lunch shifts after I got back from my trip. I was a bit worried D would have a stroke and Y would fire me. That didn’t happen. D told me she was proud of me, Y shot me the stink eye and told D “You put sign in the window and hire new girl now part time”, and hasn’t really talked to me since.

‘Tho looking at January being fired might not have been a bad thing. The same week I start school D leaves on a 10 day cruise and even if they have a new waitress she won’t be ready to work alone so I’m pretty much guaranteed to be insanely busy with 2 jobs and school…never mind getting my ass back to the gym and riding.

So basically I’m still stressed out, but over different things at least.

I also started grief counseling last week. (Yep, it was quite the week). I met with Dr. M and we basically did an overview of my issues – which is prefect because I didn’t go in for counseling earlier because I thought it would be pointless to just sit in his office and cry for an hour (I can do that at home). I waited until I had some definite ISSUES pinpointed. So we talked about them in basic terms. I have to be honest; I’m not sure how this is going to go. I’m telling a guy I just met stuff I’ve only discussed with 2 or 3 friends I’ve known for years, it’s uncomfortable. And I ended up crying anyways, in front of someone I just met, very uncomfortable.

Dr. M did say something that made a lot of sense, he said I may have lost a husband but my new boyfriend’s guilt, and guilt and I need to break up and he’s going to help me do that. And he’s right I feel guilty about a lot of things. Things I did or didn’t do in our marriage, things I wish we had done, things that happened after HE died, even things unrelated to HIM but associated with his death.

I also commented on Dr. M’s diplomas and certificates, that I assumed he knew what he was doing since he had so many of them. He said he printed them out himself.

And this gives me hope because this puts him right in the same sense of humor as CMJ and CMJ was awesome.

So, I’ll let you know how it goes, fingers crossed.

So how’s this whole Christmas thing going? Ok, I guess. I’m studiously ignoring it, or trying to.

I’ve gotten some Christmas cards in the mail, I read them then they get chucked, no cards lining the mantle this year. Any presents not being bought in TX are already gotten, no malls in my future – thank god.

Work’s a bit more difficult, we’ve been listening to Christmas music since mid-November because D says “every one expects it”. Not true. She just fucking loves the holiday and can’t wait to get started on it, the restaurant has also been totally tricked out in decorations and a tree.

I feel bad too, (hey look it’s my boyfriend guilt!) we always put out Christmas stockings for the cats and horses, I won’t be doing that this year, I just can’t bear it. I’m also not wrapping any presents I bought. I always wrapped HIS gifts (badly) but HE was in charge of doing the rest. I’d help with ribbons and tags, he’d play Christmas music (Trans Siberian Orchestra was his fav) and we’d drink rum and eggnog. I did think a few times about just getting some plain wrapping paper but I just can’t deal with the idea of sitting down, alone, and wrapping stuff.

Again I’m so thankful we didn’t have kids.

I hope you all have a great Christmas, I’m hopeful I’ll have a good one.

Please drive carefully and make the most you have with your friends and family.

And the Band Played On...

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, things are not improving, or even maintaining a consistent level of suck. They are infact getting worse.

Part of it may be my prospective but trying to look at it objectively and talking to C and J about it, it’s not just me.

Just to recap, sometime around Oct and Nov we lost 2 experienced cooks, leaving one of the owners, KL, and the short order cook, M, to handle the kitchen alone. This meant K’s wife, Y, and KL himself had to spend a lot more time in the kitchen and less time on the floor. So all our shifts were upped to make sure we weren’t short staffed on the floor. We’re also expected to do more work in the same amount of time. Our total waitress staff is comprised of me, z’bitch and the manager D. We’ve been making it work; ‘tho “making it work” has involved me being scheduled to work 14 days straight, one day off, then another 9 in November. Part of that might be because of a 4 day trip I just got back from, and D did give me a day off during that 14 day run….and I phoned in sick during the nine day…. But looking at December, I’m now working 16 days straight, right up until I leave for TX.

I’m burning out, badly. Even ‘tho z’bitch has been better, most of the time, she’s still a “challenge”, I’m losing patience with D and the owners and about 75% of the customers who come in. Not good.

They did hire a newbie cook but obviously he’s still training and it hasn’t reduced the pressure on anyone.

After I registered for night school I told D I couldn’t work my usual Monday night shift and I’d need Thursday night off too. Both she and Y knew I was planning on going back to school. Her response “Monday nights are going to be a problem”….?!?!?!...Ummm, ok? For who? Me? No, I need to go back to school. I’d already explain at length to both her and Y that HE made more money than I, 2 to 3x what I make. I need to go back to school to add to my “skill set” so I can get earn additional income.

Fine, D works it out, I’ll have Mondays off.

I tell her I’ll be needing additional time off, basically going down to part-time, because I need to study in addition to going to the actual classes. Plus, before exams I’ll need more time off, I suggest she needs to hire a part-timer, D agrees, frankly we need someone just to cover shifts if one of us gets sick.

I go on my 4 day trip, get back, and no help wanted sign in the window. I ask D about it, oh, Y doesn’t want to hire anyone else. Also, they don’t plan on hiring any additional kitchen staff. Why? Because they want to save money, and so far it’s been working out…?!?!?! Sure we’re all working like dogs, but it’s working for them and saving money. It’s fucking crazy, their running a restaurant open 7 days a week with a seating capacity of 100 on 3 waitresses and 2 experienced cooks, and plan to keep it that way. All they need is a kettle drum to keep us all rowing in time.

I’m not alone in bitching about burning out; D has laid down some pretty good rants too, even ‘tho she’s been able to keep her 2 days off a week.

So D asks me what kind of time I need off when I start school, I’m currently working 25 to 30 hours a week, I tell her I need to drop down to 15 to maybe 20, and she should do up a schedule for Jan so we can get it sorted out now. Especially since she’s going on a cruise in early January.

She talks to Y again about hiring another waitress, Y finally agrees. They ask me to print up a sign on my computer, done.

Meanwhile, she still hasn’t done a schedule for this next week. I remind her I have a grief counseling appointment on Thurs the 13^th  at 10am. She asks if I can come in at 11:15 for the lunch shift? Probably not a good idea….is she for real?!

We settle on me coming in for the dinner shift, z’bitch will work lunch.

I see the schedule yesterday, she has me coming in at 10:15 on that Thurs…..head to desk…head to desk…I remind her that I have a GRIEF COUNSELING appointment at 10 that day. She again tries to sell me on coming it later for the lunch shift. I tell her it’s not a good idea and I don’t think coming in looking like a lab rat (blonde with red eyes) is a good look for a waitress. We again settle on me coming in for the night shift.

She also shows me a schedule she did up for January; I have Mondays off, but didn’t get a really good look at it since we got busy with customers.

D then tells me based on that schedule they won’t be hiring another waitress….and I repeat, It’s fucking crazy, their running a restaurant open 7 days a week with a seating capacity of 100 on 3 waitresses and 2 experienced cooks, and plan to keep it that way.

Last night I was mulling things over, was Monday the only day I had off on that Jan schedule? If so that means I’m working 6 days a week, and even if I’m only working 3 hours a day that’s 18 hours a week, and most shifts are longer and I know there were a few doubles in there…so I’m probably back up to at least 25 hours a week.

I phone D at home and ask if I only have the Mondays off, she says she can’t remember, we’ll have to check it again. And BTW she forgot she already promised z’bitch Thursday the 13^th lunch shift off so I’ll have to come in……”Sorry, I forgot”…..

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?

If she had told me from the get go I’d have to work that shift I would have re-scheduled my appointment, if I do that now it’ll be after Christmas. Fine, lab rat Thursday it is then.

I do have some sympathy for D, her hands are tied to a certain extent by Y, and D has also talked about quitting. But she’s in her mid 50s and I think too scared to jump ship, she knows the owners are taking huge advantage of us, she puts up with it.

I won’t.

And my sympathy vanishes for D if can’t be bothered to write down changes in the schedule to make sure nothing conflicts.

I have had some serious thoughts about just flat out quitting without a solid Plan B.

It’s worrying me because impulse control is not my strong suit and starting today I work 4 splits in a row which could drive me over the edge.

Frankly I’m completely stressed out and driving myself crazy. I need to stop being so emotionally invested in that job and (some of) the people that work there. On top of all this, D has always been a chatty Cathy and I’ve always had to put up with, and make sympathetic noises about her problems.  Problems which have become pretty insignificant to me since HE died; ‘tho up until this point I have honestly tried to give a shit. I think that needs to stop too.

I’m trying to talk myself down off this ledge, just accept the Jan schedule, keep your head down go to work, go to school (it is only 2 classes a week); money won’t be so tight if you do.

But that’s not working. I talked to C and J about all this last night and they both think I need to get a Plan B together ASAP.

C’s idea, submit to D what days/shifts I’m willing to work while going to school.

J thinks I should work to rule, do my job, but nothing more, (and we are expected to do more) and maybe a bit slower than usual.

And both those plans are based on the fact I’ll be finding a new job soon.

Adding to my muddled thoughts is a bit of a Plan B.

J works at a doctor’s office and they need a temporary, part time office assistant, J might be able to get me in. It pays pretty well, would give me current office experience for my resume and there’s a small chance it might go from temporary to permanent.

So if I got that job I’d then have to go to work and tell them (after fussing over needing more time off) that I can only start work at 11:15 in the morning’s because I’ve taken another job. Or I just flat out quit and hope it turns into a permanent position, and I’m not sure it’s worth that gamble.

The above was written this morning before I went into work.

A few updates:

Overnight the scheduling fairies sprinkled their magical dust on this month’s schedule. I now have one day off out of 16. D said I must have written it down wrong in the first place but I always double check my copy against the calendar she writes, I’m not careless, and this is the 3^rd time in 2 months things have “magically” changed, either in my favour or not.

She also told me if the grief counseling was too tough I didn’t have to come in…gee thanks…I know I should be grateful but I have a problem with this. If I do show I’ll probably be a mess if I don’t show it also reflects badly on me. It’s a no-win situation for me.

I also turned off my giving a shit about her problems, it sounds selfish, and I felt selfish but it made work very simplistic.

I looked at the Jan schedule, it’s actually not too bad other than the week D’s on her cruise, but while I was looking at it Y walked by and told me not to write it down because it’ll be changing…head to desk…head to desk….

So, the above was written on my split this afternoon, I’m now home for the night...

A few more updates:

Apparently Thurs the 13^th is just a big clustefuck. Z’bitch wanted the night off, not the day, so I’m working that night and not having to decide if I want to work lunch.

D asked me if I looked at the Jan schedule, I told her yes but Y also told me it would be changing so it was pointless. This set D off on a rant about Y meddling, I just looked at her blankly. When she finally wound down I said to her that was exactly the reason I’ve stopped being invested in this job, it’s too stressful for what should be a simple waitressing gig. Her turn to look at me blankly.

They also cut me loose early, too slow for 3 waitresses on the floor….and I think I might have scared the hell out of D.

Guilty Admission

Let’s start this with talking about how we judge people, and let’s cut the bullshit, we all judge people. It’s true. Whenever you hear someone say “I don’t judge people….” you know they’re about to. (Like whenever you hear “I’m not a racist…” you just know that person’s about to become a fuckwit).

Anyhow, we all judge people, and it’s always a good or bad judgment, ‘tho not necessarily an important one that affects how you feel deep down about the person. IE “Good god, she does not have the thighs to pull off skinny jeans”. Then there are other judgments that will affect how you feel about a person to the core and the rest of my post might very well change your opinion of me.

 I struggled for a long time about writing this, then even more time about actually posting it. I also talked to C and P about what was going on and what they thought of me and the situation I have found myself in, and it’s given me the balls to write this out.

And I do worry about being judged negatively by all of you because for the most part you’re people I’ve invited to read this blog, which means I consider you a good and trusted friend. I’d hate to lose that…I’d also hate to not post this because this blog is about me and how I’m dealing with things, and this is part of it. And I’m pretty sure this is going to be hard for a lot of you to understand since you haven’t had to deal with losing a husband, it’s hard for me to understand, so how can I expect you to?

So, for better or worse, you’re going to judge me, here we go.

Despite the fact I was told by K (another widow) “no men for at least a year”, (for very good reason) and that I still have serious crying jags over missing HIM and that I have little enough time to spend with my friends and have about a million other things I should be thinking/doing, I’ve been spending some time with a male friend.

He’s been a regular at work for about 3 years now, and has been flirting with me a little for about 3 years, and yes, he’s one of the Mexican farm workers. We’ll call him JO.

About 3 months after HE died JO asked me out, in all fairness I never wore jewelry to work so he’d probably have no idea I was married never mind widowed. I turned him down. He looked crestfallen; I felt bad and explained that I was recently widowed. JO went through the usual facial expressions of shock and the usual mumbles about “I’m really sorry” etc. (His English is about as good as my Spanish, meaning not great but ok).

About a month ago he asked if I wanted to go for coffee after I was done work, “solomente amigos”, only as friends. I turned him down. Partly because it felt really wrong to say yes, partly because I was tired and had to work the rest of the weekend, partly because I wasn’t attracted to him at all and partly because of K’s warning of no men for at least a year….and who are we kidding, “solomente amigos”, yeah, right.

It’s not the first time I’ve been asked out, or the second, or 3^rd since HE died, Mexican or local. I’ve been working on a theory that my life’s fucked up enough right now that my body chemistry has changed and I’m throwing off some weird pheromone that makes me attractive to men.

Anyhow, I turned him down saying I was tired and had to work early the next day.

A few weeks ago he asked me out for coffee again, “solomente amigos”, I don’t know why I said yes, other than I was in a good mood and had the weekend off, but I did say yes.

We met after I had changed from work, at which point I realized the only place to get coffee at 10pm at night was the skeazy Tim Horton’s near my place. I didn’t want to go to one of the skeazy bars, too much like a date, and to be honest, I didn’t want to go to one of the nice bars, too much like a date and people I know hang out at the nice bars. How am I going to expect them to understand why I’m there with a guy when I don’t even know?

I also wasn’t keen on having the pressure of sitting across from JO and trying to make conversation, or worse, force it. I suggested going to play pool at one of the skeazy bars, he countered with playing pool at the local Portuguese Club, and off we went.

I had fun, we had a few beers, laughed about our pool playing and English/Spanish skills, talked about our jobs, music and all the other stuff you talk about getting to know someone.

He wouldn’t let me pay for anything.

Insisted on walking me home.

When I thanked him for a nice night out he said “No medigas gracias lo ago porti”, (No need to thank I do it for you).

Then he kissed me on the hand.

Then on the inside of the wrist.

Then he kissed me on the lips.

And I kissed him back.

Then had a “OH GOOD GOD” moment and backed into the door. Horrified, stunned, guilty and sad.

JO was very quick to apologize, looking kinda horrified himself. I said it was partial my fault and that I was sorry but “solomente amigos”. He apologized again, kissed my hand, told me to have a good night and left. I went inside and beat up on myself while chain smoking cigarettes.

The next day he sent me a text saying he hoped I was having a good day off, that he had a good time last night and that he was sorry about the kiss. I texted him back something along the lines of it was ok, I was going riding and I hoped he had a good day at work.

Spent the rest of the day alternately feeling horrible and thinking about the kiss and how nice it was.

We traded a few more texts back and forth over the next few days and he asked if I wanted to get together for dinner “solomente amigos”...a smarter, appropriate, widow would have said no. I didn’t.

I could list all the thought process and justifications down but it basically came down to this: I did have fun with him playing pool, he’s interesting and funny, I’m comfortable with him and if he keeps his lips away from mine we’ll be good.

This is going to seem like I’m inviting trouble into mi casa but I invited him to come over for dinner. I hated the thought of him paying for dinner on top of our last night out. He had already told me that when he goes back to Mexico he works in construction and makes around the equivalent to $70 CAD a week?!?!?! That’s insane and sad. Dinner at a decent restaurant would easily cost more than half his weeks’ wages in Mexico.

…..So he spent more than 20% of his week’s wages in Mexico and took a cab to my place.

I “cooked” a frozen lasagna (the last remaining food item dropped off after HE died, ironic and fucked up) while we traded Spanish/English dictionaries and words back and forth and ended up watching a movie, in Spanish.

He put his arm around me, I slouched into him.

He picked up my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist, I curled up against him.

He did not keep his lips away from mine.

I did not throw myself off the couch.

Nor did I have an “Oh good god” moment, lightening didn’t strike me down; HIS urn didn’t fly across the room and shatter.

I kissed a boy and I liked it.

And I feel guilty for it and I feel more guilty that I don’t feel more guilty about it.

A lot of you, especially those that know and loved James, are thinking “How could you?!?!?”, and I’m with you, how could I?!?!?... I don’t know.

I don’t feel like I’m cheating on HIM, but I do feel like I’m cheating on HIS memory. And I’ve bitched before about how I hate time and I wish this “grieving process” would get over and done with but this new situation feels way too soon, disrespectful infact.

But it was nice, more than nice actually. Just curling up on the couch with someone was a nice, comfortable novelty, and I hate to say it something that hasn’t happened in many years.

At the time of the writing of this we’ve seen each other a handful of times.

For his part JO seems to understand and respect my boundaries, both physical and emotional, and he doesn’t push them. His hands can roam around my arms, shoulders, neck and back, period. And he understands that’s not going to change anytime soon. He also understands that it’s almost impossible for me to answer questions about me or my life without mentioning HIM. I appreciate his understanding.

He tells me I’m beautiful, and I honestly believe he thinks so, not because he tells me, but by the way he treats me, and I will save you from the gooey details but geez…he kisses the inside of my wrist…just randomly for no apparent reason. 

He also treats me like the total princess that I’m not. Doors are opened for me, things are carried, he’s cooked dinner for me, he wants to help me winterize the windows, he worries about me having to shovel snow this winter?!

And I wasn’t attracted to him the night we played pool, but he gets more handsome to me every time I see him.

Do I think this is the start of a big new relationship? No, nor do I want one. The fact is in a few weeks he’ll be leaving to go back to Mexico, and assuming he comes back it won’t be for 5 months. And frankly, I think that’s a good thing.

Am I trying to replace HIM? No, there’s no replacing HIM

Am I one of those girls that has to have a guy in her life to validate herself? No, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been that kind of girl. I hope to god I’m not.

Am I using JO to distract myself from the new realities of my life? Yes but I’m very conscious about not making him too much of a distraction.

…when C and I talked about this she did have the opinion that hanging out with JO was no different than hanging out with her or P or other friends. Which makes sense until I told her that she had never kissed me the way JO has.

C’s reply: “well, not yet…”.

Everybody should have someone like C in their life.

For P’s part, she thinks it’s nice and not a bad thing that there’s someone who I’m comfortable spending time with. I also think she’s maybe struggling with the idea a bit since she’s been friends with HE and I for so long. I appreciate her support because of that.

Other than feeling unfaithful to HIS memory, I’m struggling with the whole “judgment” issue. We all judge people, we all hate to be judged and a lot of us say “I don’t care what people think”. But I do care what some people think, friends who read this blog and a few important people in my life who don’t. Specifically my parents, D and the P Family.

Any thing they or you might be thinking I’ve already thought about myself and this situation, believe me, but it’s more complicated with them.

I also don’t want anyone thinking JO’s taking advantage of someone in a weakened emotional state or something along those lines; he’s a good person, or at least a good person to me. And besides, it takes two to tango. I could have thrown myself off the couch, I choose not to.

We’re keeping this on the down low, and I feel bad about that.

So there you go. I’m spending time with a male friend who is kind, funny, smart and kisses the inside of my wrist.

Update: I’ve sat on this for a few weeks while trying to decide whether I wanted post this or not, obviously I decided I should.

JO and his lips are now back in Mexico. We saw each other once or twice a week for about a month. It remained fun and comfortable; he never pushed my boundaries. He helped me winterize the windows.

He said he’d like to pick up where we left off when he returns, I’ve said ok, but let’s be honest; god knows where I’ll be in 5 months, literally and figuratively.

I’m thinking of this little chapter in my life as a romantic get away from the daily grind of widowhood, a little unreality in my reality.

I don’t regret it but nor do I plan to repeat it anytime soon.

I’ve known all along that K’s right about “no men for at least a year”, I never doubted that, and I can understand why now more than ever. On one hand I struggled with the whole “WTF am I doing?!?!” Bad Widow!! BAD!! On the other it’s too tempting to just go with it, getting wrapped up in the addictive cozy feeling of a boy liking you. I very consciously tried to not get wrapped up in it, the fact that I knew he was leaving helped, but part of me very much wanted to dwell in that cozy feeling for good.

The reality is, kisses on the wrist make me feel better about my life but they don’t solve any of the problems. And this little romance could be a good sign of me moving forward, or the total opposite…I don’t know, but I’m not going to regret it.

Getting the Ball Rolling

So I’m back to my lists, and getting stuff crossed off.

I’ve got an appointment with a grief counselor Dec. 13^th, longer than I want to wait but he’s apparently very good. I’ve remained sane for this long, thanks to friends and writing this blog so I’m pretty sure I can hang on longer.

I’m also now registered for school. Two night courses in the “Bookkeeping Certificate” curriculum. I wanted to take a 3^rd but the other 2 offered are only taught on the same nights?!?!

My other option is to take a 3rd course that’s offered online…I’m not sure how that’d work out. One minute I’m doing course work and 3 hours later I’m watching Top Gear videos on You Tube? I’m mulling it over.

What I’d like is to take 3 courses this semester, if they go well then I’d complete the course over the summer during a “fast track” program. If I’m struggling a bit I can take some courses over the summer then complete the course during the fall night classes. Either way I should be able to keep working while studying.

Which brings me to the whole work issue.

The P family came into work last Friday and one of their son’s, F,  asked me how I was doing, I told him “bored to death” (it was a slow night), he looked at me and said “do you even like working here?”

….Good question, complicated question, question I’ve been mulling over since last Friday.

I like some of the people I work with.

I like some of our regular customers.

I really like working busy Friday nights when I get to practice my Spanish….because I get to practice my Spanish and some of the guys are eye-candy.

Do I laugh at work? Yes, sometimes I have fun.

BUT

Do I look forward to going to work? No

Do I find my job challenging? No, the only challenge is getting along with certain “personalities” at work.

Do I want to work there the rest of my life? Hell no

And that’s not exactly a big surprise, I’ve talked before about the need to bring in more money and that I kind of settled into a rut of working at the restaurant and that another job was a necessity, but I’ve come to realize, I don’t like my job.

Granted, because we’re short staffed I’m there way too much and that’s not helping my perspective but I don’t like my job in general. I deal with one surly co-worker on a regular basis (she’s been better lately but yesterday we were back to square one). The owners of the restaurant tend to take their bad moods out on the staff, and even before we got short staffed they started to pile on more prep-work but no extra time to complete it, and get pissed if we don’t. I’ve been rolling my eyes a lot at them, never a good sign. The customers generally don’t understand the concept of 15% and we get a lot of messy families to clean up after.

Case in point, I’m writing this after calling in sick to work. I’m not sick. I’ve got stuff I need to get done piling up and frankly, didn’t feel like dealing with surly co-worker 2 days in a row.

Trying to be objective, I think the main reason I’m there is out of loyalty to my manager (who I do like a lot, even ‘tho she drives me crazy sometimes) because if I leave she’s screwed over until she trains someone new. And we’re all already pretty screwed over because of being short staffed in the kitchen. That’s only if I found a new job immediately that needed me to start immediately which isn’t the case, but I’d feel horrible if that was the case.

And yeah, I’m not supposed to make any big changes for another 6 months, but what if it’s a positive change? Do I continue in a job rut where I’m not happy? That doesn’t make sense.

I don’t know…I was thinking: take night courses this winter, more over the summer, possibly fall,  keep working at the restaurant where I know what I’m doing/know what to expect then start looking for a new job after my schooling is done. But I don’t like my job, and now that I’ve realized that, working there for 6 to 12 months seems like endless drudgery.

I’m trying to figure out if I should thank F for his innocent question or not?

Slippery Slope

Despite my “The Breakup” post (from months ago) I’m drinking a lot of coffee, large double double, and still smoking, and smoking too much. I’m going to the gym but still inconsistently, my eating habits range from healthy to really, really not.

I also have to get back to making lists. I think it’s like being mentally unstable and needing to take meds. Sometimes people take the meds and feel normal enough to stop taking them, then things start unraveling. I need to keep making lists to stay on top of things.

I’ll be taking night classes starting in January, but haven’t registered yet, what am I waiting for?

Ditto with grief counseling, there’s nothing stopping me from opening up the phone book and getting on it, but I haven’t.

There are long overdue e-mails I have to reply to and some I need to write.

Things are also starting to pile up in the house, including tumble weeds of cat hair.

I guess I can blame my work schedule for part of it, it’s still insane, and given the choice when I do have down time I’d rather go to the barn and ride than sweep – which I actually think is a good thing, the barn is back to being a fun place for the most part. I’m also busy socially, also a good thing I think.

But I have to keep on top of the important “moving forward” things, my hope is to become a better me despite (or maybe because?) of losing him…frankly, I need to be a better me, I don’t want to backslide into some existence of just being. Or worse, settling. I want to live a good life, pro-active, responsible and happy. Obviously I have great friends/family that can, have and will help me, but this new life is pretty much on me. It’s scary and tiring. Overwhelming when I think too much about it. So I’m not going to over think it, I’m going to make my list for this week and just keep crossing things off it, it’s simpler that way and I actually get shit done rather than thinking of all the shit I need to get done.

Footnote: I dropped out of tap class. The 45 min class wasn’t a big problem with my new (insane) work schedule but I needed to practice during the week to even marginally keep up with the rest of the class and I was having problems fitting that in. If I didn’t practice the class went from fun and slightly embarrassing to stressful, and I’m trying to cut down on my stress not add to it. Also, when I signed up it was to get me out of the house more, and that’s defiantly not a problem now. I have my tap shoes and notes from class so I can still mess around with it in my kitchen. I feel bad that I quit but, well, I mean come on, its tap dancing not finding the cure for cancer.

The End of the Affair

Last week I got a call from CMJ, HIS coroner’s report was finally in and so back to the police station I went.

As far as the police angle goes this is the final business of HIS life, it’ll be filed and that’s it, also the final trip for me to interview room #2 with CMJ.

I like him, he’s good at his job/handling me. He made a quip about “our usual room”, I replied “we have to quit meeting like this”, his response “people are starting to talk”.

I mean who says stuff like that before talking about a final coroner’s report?!?! CMJ and I, and I’m glad for it. Everyone should have CMJ in their life when dealing with something like this.

There was only one surprise and one ugly truth.

When a wreck that significant happens it’s not any big surprise that “blunt force trauma” is the cause of death, ribs, sternum and collarbone where all broken. I imagine other things were too but CMJ didn’t mention them because they didn’t lead to his death.

The surprise: HE was suffering from “mild to moderate” heart disease. Not that it matters now but other than the smoking I thought he was pretty healthy, I guess that’s another bullet HE dodged.

The ugly truth: HE didn’t die instantly.

I’d been content to assume HE did until told otherwise, and finding out exactly when HE died has been a big question in my mind, something I didn’t want to know but needed to know, if that makes any sense?

HE was breathing (but unconscious) when he was pulled from the wreck, ditto when put in the ambulance, he stopped breathing in transit to the hospital and was pronounced on arrival.

That’s anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes that HE was fighting to live, that’s almost unbearable to me. Unconscious or not, what was going through HIS mind? Did HE realize what had happened? Did HE know why he was fighting or what he was fighting for? Did HE think of me?

Or was HIS brain on autopilot, so busy trying to keep his heart pumping and his lungs breathing that nothing else mattered?

I’m hoping for the latter, if it wasn’t a quick death I’m hoping, and infact assuming, that HE was oblivious to everything except trying to stay alive. Anything else is unbearable to me.

So there you have it.

I’ve gotten the answers to the questions I had that can be answered. There’s a whole list of others that can’t be and I’ll have to live with that, I don’t really have much choice.

I thanked CMJ for all of his time and told him that I thought he was really good at his job, and I honestly meant it. Everything from telling me flat out that going to clean out the SUV would do me more harm than good, and going to do it himself, to our final meeting about the coroner’s report was handled exactly the way I needed it to be handled. Or more accurately, I was handled exactly the way I needed to be handled.

I don’t get the feeling he gets thanked a lot and I guess that’s understandable, but I think it’s a shame. Both P and C have said people are in your life for a reason, season or lifetime, I’m glad CMJ was in mine.

Habit Forming

Had a busy “dealing with regular life” day yesterday.

8:30 am Meeting with the “Student Success Advisor” (lmao!?!?) at the local college about the course I’m thinking of taking.

10:00 am Doctor’s appointment with my new family doctor! It was just a meeting to see if we suited each other, I think we do. She was reading over my form about past medical history and saw the part where it asked about smoking. She looks at me, and totally deadpan asked “You smoke? Are you rich?” It totally cracked me up. I have an appointment for a full physical with her, Dr. E, in a few weeks.

The kicker about Dr. E, she’s a nun…yep, a real habit and wimple wearing nun, and nothing bland about her, she wears blue.

11:00 am, oil change for Oliver. Also bought him a totally inappropriate hitch cover, inappropriate considering how HE died, but it makes me laugh so I’m going with it.

Then stopped at the local employment center to pick their brains about my employment chances if I take the “Book Keeping” course. (Chances are better than if I took the “Office Basics” computer course). Then off to the hardware store to pick up winterizing kits for out windows, then lunch with C.

After lunch, clean kitchen, groceries, ride.

A good, productive day, things crossed off the list. I feel good about a day off well used but I’m also finding days like yesterday hard. It’ll occur to me during the day that I’m getting on with my life, not our life. And I mean it’s good and all that I’m getting on with my life but…I still much prefer our life.

On that note, there have been some, and I hate to admit it, positive things that have developed since HE died.

Going back to school is one of them. I had pretty much settled into a rut as far as my work life went, this gave me the kick in the ass to move (hopefully) forward.

More importantly I have much stronger friendships now, new ones, and although I always appreciated my very good friends I have a far better understanding for why we’re friends and how deep that friendship goes. I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to explain.

CM, a friend from the barn (the one who took care of our horses while I was a complete mess) recently mentioned in an e-mail “As much as I hate that James died, we have gotten to know each other more and this is a cool thing.” And she’s right. And she’s turning into a very good friend.

C and I were talking the other day about people we know that will self-create problems then whine, bitch, moan, not accept responsibility and throw massive pity parties for themselves, and how we have no use for them. Self created or not we tend to just deal with problems, probably while repeating THIS FUCKING SUCKS to ourselves. And that is the common thread between my good friends. Any pity-parties are limited to conversations/rants looking for input on how best to solve the problem, never broadcast on Face Book, then life goes on.

I guess basically I’m learning and growing from this experience, but it seems wrong, and feels horrible, to put a “positive” spin on HIS death.

I’ve had a few people ask about the grief counseling here’s an update:

The pressure if off to find one in the 6 month time span from HIS death. I talked to the “Benefits Counselor” at my insurance company and there never was any time limit! I have no idea where I got the 6 month time limit, but it was firmly stuck in my brain that I had 6 months to get into counseling for them to pay for it. Totally not the case. Also, I don’t have to have one referred to me by a family doctor. Apparently she suggested my family doctor could probably refer me to someone, but I can find someone myself.

I’m completely relieved, but I do question why they don’t write this shit down for you for reference after you meet with them? Would have saved me the whole Dr Asshat episode!

Anyways, I’m going to get myself a therapist/grief counselor in the next few weeks, I think I’ll need one with Christmas approaching…hell, I know I need one now, so off I go therapist shopping.