One down, 3 to go

I did the Zombie Race today http://thezombierace.ca/  My first race ever that I did last year, and that HE was at to cheer me on. I cried a little bit on the way there and a bit on the way back but mostly it was ok, I’m glad I did it  They held it at a different location than last year which probably helped a lot, no visions of HIM waiting for me at the same finish line. ‘Tho after the race it was a really fucked up feeling of having those “happy endorphins” after a workout and being sad. My body felt great, my mind, not so much.

The actual race was good ‘tho, despite the fact it rained the entire time. When I’m running I’m too busy thinking about how my breathing’s doing (and my legs, knee joints and hips) to think much about HIM or my life, never mind when I’m dealing with mud, obstacles, hills and zombies.

BTW the key to running a zombie race is when you hit a pack of zombies, try to run behind a group of other runners, let them blaze trail/ distract the zombies and skate through behind them.

Despite doing exactly that I still lost all my “lives” (3 flags a la “flag football") but ended up running the race running with 3 college students (aka hot young guys) where I played sacrificial lamb to distract the zombies and blaze trail so they could make it through with at least one life intact.

Big THANKS to C for getting me on track, literally, without her I wouldn’t have the stamina or confidence to do this kind of thing.

Also big THANKS to P for her “good luck” phone call this morning before the race.

So that’s 1

Since it’s after midnight, today’s our wedding anniversary, 17 years, almost.

I’m trying not to will this into a bad day. Basically trying not to attach too much importance to it and make it a bad day, but still…I don’t have the day off either, I’m working lunch, then have a meeting at the barn + riding, then a brief stop-over at the P family’s, then over to K’s to watch the “Walking Dead”. I’ve tried to keep myself busy, but I’ve also warned everybody that it might be a very bad day for me.

We were always pretty low key about celebrating, dinner at home, either a beef or pork roast or our favorite Indian take out with “traditional presents” exchanged. This year, well, I got my Vince Camuto boots…traditional retail therapy for a widow I guess.

I’m ok right now, I’m just really hoping that I don’t wake up tomorrow and have it hit me like a ton of bricks.

That’s 2

Next Friday I have a meeting with the “Technical Traffic Collision Investigator”. The full coroner’s report hasn’t been released yet but he’s put in a request (since it’s taken so fucking long in his opinion) to have it released. It’ll contain no big surprises; HE died due to blunt force trauma to the head and body, that’s what happens in a fatal car accident. But I still need to read it.

More importantly, Constable MJ has agreed to let me see 1 or 2 carefully chosen photos of our SUV after the crash. If you remember from a long ago post I wanted to see the SUV itself but he strongly warned me against it, so I didn’t. But I do want to see a photo of the SUV, and I know it sounds insane and asking for trouble….BUT what you all need to understand is that both HE and the SUV were there one day, perfectly fine, then gone the next. Disappeared.  I kissed my husband goodnight one night and 6 days later had ashes in a urn, the SUV, small bits of plastic and metal beside the road. It’s still hard for me to accept that HE’s not coming home. I’m hoping that a photo of the wreck will help with that.

Constable MJ sort of understands, he says its part of “closure”, but to his credit I know he’d prefer for me not to want see the photos. And trust me, I’ve tried really, really hard to dismiss the idea of seeing the photos, I know there are some things you can’t “unsee”, but I can’t, I just can’t.

That’s 3

And I think that's enough for one week.

Fight Club

One of the cooks at work quit last Friday. I wasn’t working but apparently it happened after a blazing fight with one of the owners, who’s also the cook’s sister. It was so loud that customers in the main dinning room could hear them. The fight happened in Chinese so nobody knows exactly what it was about, except those who speak Chinese and they ain’t talking about it. This follows us losing another cook just last month so we only have two experienced ones plus a newbie they’re training. So Y, the owner/sister is spending more time in the kitchen helping and less time on the floor which means any shift that usually has 1 waitress now has two, any shift that usually has 2 now has 3. I’m now working 6 days a week.

My schedule was a bit tight before, now it’s down right hectic and things are starting to fall through the cracks. (Like practicing tap which I sorely need!)

This also means more quality time with z’bitch that, after getting a talkin’ to is being pleasant for the most part.

I have managed to nock some things off the list I posted last week, I feel good about that, particularly getting my ticket booked to TX for X-Mas. Yep, it’ll be a guns and ammo Christmas for me! (The P family isn’t 100% sure their going back to Mexico for the holidays and I couldn’t afford to wait to see what they would do/risk being stuck here.)

I also have an appointment with a legit family doctor next month!!!

But I still need to get my ducks in a row as far as school goes, find out if the course I’m thinking of taking will actually be useful, register etc. And with the current situation at work that has me a bit stressed out. There’s only the 3 of us on the floor, my manager, z’bitch and I, going back to school would mean that, at best, I’d only be able to work part time hours; they’ll have to hire someone else. And I do still want to keep working there but there’s also the chance the owners will flat out fire me.

Moreover I’m worried about my manager. She’s already completely stressed out about things at work, but she also has a cruise booked in January (only her second vacation in 4 years) and I don’t want my plans to screw with that.

So I need to get on this schools thing ASAP so I can tell her ASAP and we can figure out a plan.

No rest for the widow.

Actually, on that note, I am sleeping a bit better, I’ve gotten 5 hours a few times! A friend suggested listening to a certain type of music (which I still haven’t checked out) but I’m playing music and it seems to be helping.

‘Tho I’m still having a re-occurring nightmare, I never bothered to mention it before because I just figured it would go away but ever few weeks I have it.

Basically I’m walking home from work at night, get to our front door and start to unlock it and hear a noise behind me. I turn and see a shadowy figure of a man standing there in a long trench coat with flowers in his hand. He’s got longish collar length hair but that’s about all I can make out.

(I should note our front porch is pretty dark, we don’t have an outside light and only get a little from the streetlight across the street.)

He doesn’t say anything but steps towards me to hand me the flowers, I take them and he grabs me around the neck and starts to choke me. I can’t breath, I can’t scream, things start to go dark and then I wake up.

Nice eh?

I can’t figure out what it means or how/if it relates to HIS death other than HE had a trench coat which I didn’t particularly like.

Anyhow, that’s the rundown for now.

Update on z’bitch

(See how I did that, I used the first letter of her name and how I feel about her and made it sound classy and European, aren’t I fucking witty!?!?!?)

So I talked to my manger and she’s going to talk to z’bitch during their next shift together, Wednesday, and see what her damage is and give her a warning about losing shifts. Problem is, my manager is a bit of a marshmallow, so she’ll probably soft peddle the whole thing when she actually talks to z’bitch.

But for now, she did kind of condone me grabbing her by the neck, slamming her into a wall and growling at her. That might be my back up plan.

State of the Union Address

(Normally I’d just call this “random updates” but all the political crap being posted on FB about the US is driving me a bit bat shit crazy)

I saw Craig with a K outside work again on Friday, stood outside futzing with his cell for a few minutes. On the upside he hasn’t darkened my door again.

I have indeed gained 10 pounds over the last little while, and it ain’t muscle Forrest. So I’m seriously getting serious about the gym and my health again. The gym is mandatory unless I’m having a really awful day. It does make me feel a bit better that C told me she’s gained weight too, I mean if the Goddess Divine of the gym and personal training can gain unwanted pounds then it’s reasonable I would too. (‘Tho in her case I don’t know where those pounds are hiding?...possibly her toes are enormously fat?)

So starting today I’m getting back on track, did the morning lower body class and ran 3k, also coming up with meal ideas, ‘tho I still hate the idea of cooking for one.

Dr Asshat still hasn’t gotten back to me with a referral and every time I’ve phoned the line is busy or nobody answer’s the phone, and they don’t have an answering machine. A friend mentioned she has the name of a GP accepting new patients so I’m following up with that.

For grief counseling I’m going to be phoning therapists directly, explain my situation (incl. Dr Asshat) and seeing how we can work it from that end.

Oh, and I still haven’t tried the sleeping pills.

I’m also back to making lists. I had stopped for awhile thinking I didn’t really need them, but I do. And I’m not talking grocery lists, I’ve always needed them, I’m talking about what I need to get done lists. They keep me going forward instead of just drifting, the difference between being active and pro-active with my new life.

The list this week:

-         Figure out grief therapy

-         Book plane ticket out of here for Christmas

-         Follow up on GP referral

-         Get old dressers and bookcases out of here

-         Phone HIS Mom back. (She left a depressing message last week and I just couldn’t deal with it, and still don’t want to.)

-         Seriously start looking into going back to school.

-         Talk to R (friend and accountant) and figure out a game plan for contacting Revenue Canada. I’m a big fan of “letting sleeping dogs lie” but I haven’t heard SFA from them since R got our tax stuff done and I want to get that sorted out.

The above is along with every day stuff, work, ride, gym, tap, and the general idea that I should do some house cleaning. Plus spending time with friends that I feel I’ve been missing either via e-mail or face to face.

‘Tho all the above will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m working a split today with my idiot co-worker who’s morphed into a miserable, sour bitch. I’ve seen it before but now that I’m regularly working 2 shifts with her a week (without our manager around) she’s just become miserable towards me. I can’t figure out if she’s just really good at faking happy/polite with costumers/kitchen staff and can’t be to do so with me or if she’s intentionally being a bitch to me. Either way, that shit needs to stop. If HE where still alive I’d blow it off or figure out how to manager her, or just be a bitch right back, but I honestly don’t have it in me right now.

So, feeling slightly like a 12 year old running to mommy to tattle, I’ll be talking to my manager about it. I did talk to her about it a bit awhile ago but all she did was talk to both of us about how we’re co-workers and need to at least be polite to each other, since then things have escalated and I’m pretty much fed up. What I really want to do is grab her around the neck, throw her against the wall and growl at her to knock it the fuck off.

 I honestly hate that she’s able to upset me, ‘tho I guess I upset pretty easy these days. What’s worse is I’ve got enough to deal with, I don’t need the dread of “fuck, I’m working with her today” first thing in the morning. I mean I’m waitressing for Christ’s sakes; it’s not like a high-pressure, competitive job where the pay cheque’s big enough to make up for toxic co-workers.

Demolition Derby...where's the Fonz when you need him?

Christ, if Thanksgiving’s any indication Christmas is going to be a bitch. Quell surprise, n’est pas?

It’s not even so much “Thanksgiving”; it’s the damn fall fair in town. Seven days of horse shows, concerts, demolition derbies, monster trucks, tractor pulls, mid-way rides and all the junk you can eat. I volunteer for the horse show, have for the past 5 years and working the hunter/jumper show that's part of the fair was fine, great in fact. I work the in-gate and it keeps me very busy, basically I make sure competitors get into the ring in some semblance of order and let the judge know who’s about to jump the course. It sounds way easier than it is, it’s herding cats but the cats weight 1200 pounds and may or may not be ridden by a diva and may or may not be accompanied by a horse show Mom or coach who eat “Dance Moms” for breakfast.

Anyhow, volunteering at the fair keeps me too busy to dwell and was something I always did totally unrelated to HIM.

The Wednesday night demolition derby is a different story. HE’d get off work early and we’d go together. Picnic in the stands with foot long corn dogs, ribs and mini donuts. I made the mistake of staying at the fair that night with the intention of watching it this year. I lasted about 5 minutes then left. Mostly it was HE wasn’t there with me, but also, having your husband die in a violent car accident isn’t indicative of enjoying people intentionally crash cars into each other. A smarter person probably would have thought of this beforehand...not me.

I used to love demolition derbies; I guess that’s over too.

We’d also pop over to the fair randomly when I had time off work, it’s within walking distance of our house, so we’d go on some rides, wander around, watch whatever other horse show was happening, eat junk.

I did go back last night with a friend, it was fun, we wandered around, ate junk, but hearing the noise of the tractor pull going on tonight just made me really emotional.

(A tractor pull made me emotional…Jesus Christ I’m really losing it.)

So October’s just going to be a bad month. I’m also staring down the throat of our 17^th wedding anniversary at the end of this month. Then I get a month “off” before December, but who are we kidding, a few stores already have started putting Christmas stuff out. Who the hell makes these descisions at Wal Mart anyhow?!?!?

Tomorrow I’m doing dinner with friends, before that, riding at the barn; it’s also the last day of fair so hopefully I’ll be a bit brighter once it packs up.

BTW I was PMSing last week, but I don’t think that has anything to do with how I’m feeling now and I’m still pretty irate about everything I was bitching about last week.

Oh fuck, and I gotta mention this: Both mornings of the hunter/jumper show I went to Tim Horton’s to pick up coffees (at 7:30 in the morning) and guess who was there, yep, Craig with a K. Thing is, seeing him there felt legit, we just both happened to be at the nearest Timmies to our homes getting coffees at the same time, which made his work walk bys feel all the more creepy. I gave him a non-enthusiastic “’morning” and kept going.

That seems to be my new mantra, just “keep going”. At some point I hope I’ll figure out where.

Kreep Show

I’m seriously creeped out right now.

I had an unwelcome visitor, we’ll call him “Craig with a K” (CK for short), because that’s his name (and how he spells it) and I don’t give a rats ass about protecting his privacy.

About a year ago I met CK through an acquaintance; he’s in his late twenties, an artist and graduated from the same college as HE did. I thought HE and CK would get along well and we all hung out a few times. CK was a bit more of an artistic “personality” than HE was, or that I was able to appreciate. At one point CK told us about a piece he had started working on but then had a dream about it and I can’t really the remember the rest but the short story was somthing along the lines of if he changed the piece to like it was in the dream the rest of his dream would start to come true…or something like that. I’m not sure if he told us the whole thing because he believed it or because he thought it would make him seem more artistic.

Anyhow the last time I saw him, he had just dropped by and we all ended up watching a movie. HE went to bed early because of work the next day, he wasn’t even out of the bathroom when CK started hitting on me…at least it seemed like he was hitting on me, looking at me and raising his eyebrows with this kind of “so ya wanna” smile on his face. Multiple times. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t mis-reading it.

I played completely dumb and thank god the movie ended shortly after. Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry.

I told HIM about it, HE laughed because honestly who does that?!?!?

We never heard from CK again…until last month when he called up and asked how we were doing. Thing is, I got the feeling that he knew HE was dead, just a gut feeling. Plus, usually when I tell people there’s a big ugly pregnant pause while people process what I’ve just said. CK didn’t really miss a bit saying he was shocked or whatever. CK asked if I was working I told him I was still at the restaurant and he asked which one? Again, this didn’t ring true, I’m pretty damn sure remembers which one. Then he suggested we get together for a beer or coffee to talk…yeah, sure buddy…I told him to call me in a 2 or 3 months figuring that would put him right off.

Except, in the last month I’ve seen him walk by the restaurant 4 times. In the last 9 or 10 months I haven’t seen hide noir hair of him on the streets, but he just happens to be passing by my work 4 times in the last month?

And guess who was on my doorstep tonight? Yep, Craig with a K.

I had the main door open but the screen door latched, and there he is standing on my porch.

He tried the door, I said it was a bad time and I was busy.

He asked how I was doing, I shrugged my shoulders and said “coping”.

HE said I look different, I said I was only getting about 4 hours of sleep at night.

He said “no, you look great”, I said a few people have mentioned that and I just don’t get it. (A few people have and I don’t).

He asked if I had 5 minutes, I said, again, right now’s a really bad time.

He looked at me kinda crestfallen, I shrugged my shoulders and said I was sorry, that it just really wasn’t a good time, then walked away from the door.

And I’m seriously creeped out right now.

It all seems pretty harmless, it reads like it’s harmless… but after seeing him walk by work the 3^rd time I was feeling a bit weird about it, the 4^th I was just uncomfortable about it and now tonight he’s on my doorstep and have this overall gut creep feeling.

If he shows up again I guess I’ll just bluntly ask what he wants and go from there in getting rid of him…I mean I don’t have time for this bullshit, I feel like I don’t have enough time for my friends, why do I have to waste time on this fuckwit?!?! Frankly I want to be writing a reply to an e-mail a great friend sent me tonight, but nooooo, I have to vent about Craig with a K because I’m feeling creeped out about him.

I better be PMSing because this shit’s really not funny.

Dr Feelgood

I have no reason to be feeling as down and morose as I have today but I’m really struggling today. I think I’m PMSing? (On top of everything else.)

I had a great weekend, my monthly weekend off from work. Shopping with C on Saturday, Sunday I did the “Run for the Cure” (jogged the whole thing except a brief walk at a water station) yeah for me. Then dinner with the P family where I taught Mrs P how to make a big ass-lasagna that got high marks from the rest of the family. Great weekend!

Tomorrow I have off. C and I will do our weekly sushi lunch, then go the fairgrounds to help set up for the 2 day hunter/jumper show that’s part of the huge horse show that runs the entire 6 days of the fair. Wed and Thurs the horse show. It’ll be great! Lots to look forward to!

But I’m honestly about 5 minutes away from tears, and have been the whole day. And I’ve been noticing that it’s harder for me to be at home lately.

I’m starting to wonder if those people who came up with the stages of grieving do know what their talking about. I’m wondering if I’ve been sort of in “denial” for the last few months? I mean, I’ve talked about how it’s obvious that HE’s dead, ashes right over there, blah, blah, blah. But I’ve also talked about how there’s still a part of me that thinks he’ll come home, and now I’m wondering if that part of me was bigger than I thought and reality’s starting to set in?

I don’t know.

I do know it’s very hard for me to sit in the living room at night and watch something. Either I get up and end up doing something else or I end up in tears because something’s reminded me of HIM or that HE’s not there with me or that HE will never be with me again.

There’s still a few areas in the house that need to be sorted out, a closet or two, and I have no motivation to get that off the list. Infact I’ve stopped making “to do” lists entirely; I need to get back to that.

Ditto with the barn, but frankly I’m just getting comfortable going there, seeing the horses and riding, I think sorting through stuff there might be a spring project.

Overall, I’m more emotional than I was a month ago, not just today, in general.

I don’t like it.

There’s still the sleep issue too.

I have the Sublinox, but I’m afraid to take it.

I’ll get to the side effects in a minute but my first worry was that I’ve never taken something like this before, what if I have a medical reaction to it? I live alone…

The possible physical side affects are a laundry list of cold and flue symptoms, abdominal pain, diarrhea, dizziness , drowsiness, dry mouth , fatigue, headache, heartburn , hiccups, loss of appetite, nausea and weakness…hiccups?!

Then there’s the “Mental and Behavioral Changes” it reads as follows:

“A variety of abnormal thinking and behavior changes may occur when you use prescribed sleeping pills. Some of these changes include aggressiveness and extroversion which seem out of character. Other changes, although rare, can be more unusual and extreme. These include confusion, strange behavior, restlessness, irritability, illusions, nightmares, hallucinations, feeling like you are not yourself and feeling more depressed, which may lead to suicidal thinking.”

“Suicidal thinking” and I’ve now got enough pills to carry it out. Fucking wonderful.

And for the record I have NOT had any ideas about suicide, but I am sad, (gross understatement) and probably depressed, so how far down the road is it exactly to suicidal thoughts, and how far down that road will these pills take me?

Then I found this little gem on a Health Canada advisory website: “Sublinox™ is a sublingual formulation of zolpidem that was recently authorised for use in adults in Canada. Sublinox™ (zolpidem tartrate) is indicated for the short-term treatment and symptomatic relief of insomnia characterized by difficulty in falling asleep, frequent nocturnal awakenings and/or early morning awakenings. On the international market, zolpidem has been reported in association with cases of complex sleep behaviours, where people rise from bed while not fully awake and engage unknowingly in activities which they do not remember doing the following morning, such as driving a car, leaving the house, eating food and making phone calls. Complex sleep behaviours are rare but potentially dangerous.”

Great, I already have a history of talking in my sleep, and again, I live alone now.

And I get that they have to write all this stuff out for the same reasons Tim Hortons now has to have a warning about how coffee is hot on their cups, better safe than sorry when it comes to liability…but still…there is nothing I’ve read that makes me comfortable with the idea of taking these pills. Especially since they were prescribes by a doctor who never even talked to me on the phone?!? (BTW that particular ass-hat has a rep in the area for being the local Dr Feelgood, at least as far as writing ‘scripts for his clients go.)

My one and only idea is to stay overnight at C’s the first night I take one, frankly, it’s the only way I’ll be taking one. ‘Tho it’ll have to be on a day I don’t have anything planned for the next morning, which would have been tonight but it’s after 11pm. So, maybe next week, I’ll let you know.

Also, Dr Asshat hasn’t gotten back to me with a referral, which is the main reason I went to see him! Since the appointment I’ve asked a few people if their family doctor’s accepting new patients. Friends at the gym, the barn, my favorite bank teller. The women in line behind me at the bank thought her doctor might be accepting new patients; I’ve got his info and have to follow up.

On top of everything else I’ve been feeling fat and bloated so I got on the stupid scale at the gym and according to it I’ve somehow I’ve managed to gain 10 pounds in less than 3 weeks?! Is that even possible?!?! Ok, granted I have had a few chocolate covered jujube binges, and some steak, but for the most part I've really been getting back on track with eatting well, bringing food to work, eatting more veggies, fruit. So WTF?!?!

I better be PMSing because none of this shit is funny.

...ok, and I have no idea why that one section of text above is in black. I've tried fixing it but it won't work and frankly I don't care that much right now. If I care more tomorrow I'll try fixing it again but for now that's as good as I got.