Maximum Overdrive

This will probably be my last post until I get back from Texas, I leave next week and I’m a bit panicked about everything I have to do before I go.

It’s not just the packing, and I am a horrible packer, I always, always, always over pack for trips. I cannot seem to quiet that little voice in my head that says “But what if…?” so I end up packing for just about any reasonable scenario that could happen at the local I’m going, and a few unreasonable ones too.

There’s also my parents who are showing up the day before I get home, the house needs to be cleaned…even ‘tho my Mom will clean it again when she gets here. Then there’s all the odds and ends, horses, cat care, blah, blah blah and work, both of them!

I went in to J’s office last week and met with the manager, it wasn’t really an interview, we just chatted a bit and I gave her my resume, she asked when I could come in for some training and that’s what I did last Wed and Thurs. J says the manager, LD, likes me and since they want me in again this coming week and when I get back from Texas it’s kind of assumed that I have the job. Again, it’s only temporary/part time, but still, I’m pretty excited about it. And so far I like it, it’s different, I get along with everyone and there are some parts of the job that’ll be challenging for me. And it pays well.

So Thurs night after my shift at the restaurant I had to tell D I couldn’t work any lunch shifts after I got back from my trip. I was a bit worried D would have a stroke and Y would fire me. That didn’t happen. D told me she was proud of me, Y shot me the stink eye and told D “You put sign in the window and hire new girl now part time”, and hasn’t really talked to me since.

‘Tho looking at January being fired might not have been a bad thing. The same week I start school D leaves on a 10 day cruise and even if they have a new waitress she won’t be ready to work alone so I’m pretty much guaranteed to be insanely busy with 2 jobs and school…never mind getting my ass back to the gym and riding.

So basically I’m still stressed out, but over different things at least.

I also started grief counseling last week. (Yep, it was quite the week). I met with Dr. M and we basically did an overview of my issues – which is prefect because I didn’t go in for counseling earlier because I thought it would be pointless to just sit in his office and cry for an hour (I can do that at home). I waited until I had some definite ISSUES pinpointed. So we talked about them in basic terms. I have to be honest; I’m not sure how this is going to go. I’m telling a guy I just met stuff I’ve only discussed with 2 or 3 friends I’ve known for years, it’s uncomfortable. And I ended up crying anyways, in front of someone I just met, very uncomfortable.

Dr. M did say something that made a lot of sense, he said I may have lost a husband but my new boyfriend’s guilt, and guilt and I need to break up and he’s going to help me do that. And he’s right I feel guilty about a lot of things. Things I did or didn’t do in our marriage, things I wish we had done, things that happened after HE died, even things unrelated to HIM but associated with his death.

I also commented on Dr. M’s diplomas and certificates, that I assumed he knew what he was doing since he had so many of them. He said he printed them out himself.

And this gives me hope because this puts him right in the same sense of humor as CMJ and CMJ was awesome.

So, I’ll let you know how it goes, fingers crossed.

So how’s this whole Christmas thing going? Ok, I guess. I’m studiously ignoring it, or trying to.

I’ve gotten some Christmas cards in the mail, I read them then they get chucked, no cards lining the mantle this year. Any presents not being bought in TX are already gotten, no malls in my future – thank god.

Work’s a bit more difficult, we’ve been listening to Christmas music since mid-November because D says “every one expects it”. Not true. She just fucking loves the holiday and can’t wait to get started on it, the restaurant has also been totally tricked out in decorations and a tree.

I feel bad too, (hey look it’s my boyfriend guilt!) we always put out Christmas stockings for the cats and horses, I won’t be doing that this year, I just can’t bear it. I’m also not wrapping any presents I bought. I always wrapped HIS gifts (badly) but HE was in charge of doing the rest. I’d help with ribbons and tags, he’d play Christmas music (Trans Siberian Orchestra was his fav) and we’d drink rum and eggnog. I did think a few times about just getting some plain wrapping paper but I just can’t deal with the idea of sitting down, alone, and wrapping stuff.

Again I’m so thankful we didn’t have kids.

I hope you all have a great Christmas, I’m hopeful I’ll have a good one.

Please drive carefully and make the most you have with your friends and family.

And the Band Played On...

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, things are not improving, or even maintaining a consistent level of suck. They are infact getting worse.

Part of it may be my prospective but trying to look at it objectively and talking to C and J about it, it’s not just me.

Just to recap, sometime around Oct and Nov we lost 2 experienced cooks, leaving one of the owners, KL, and the short order cook, M, to handle the kitchen alone. This meant K’s wife, Y, and KL himself had to spend a lot more time in the kitchen and less time on the floor. So all our shifts were upped to make sure we weren’t short staffed on the floor. We’re also expected to do more work in the same amount of time. Our total waitress staff is comprised of me, z’bitch and the manager D. We’ve been making it work; ‘tho “making it work” has involved me being scheduled to work 14 days straight, one day off, then another 9 in November. Part of that might be because of a 4 day trip I just got back from, and D did give me a day off during that 14 day run….and I phoned in sick during the nine day…. But looking at December, I’m now working 16 days straight, right up until I leave for TX.

I’m burning out, badly. Even ‘tho z’bitch has been better, most of the time, she’s still a “challenge”, I’m losing patience with D and the owners and about 75% of the customers who come in. Not good.

They did hire a newbie cook but obviously he’s still training and it hasn’t reduced the pressure on anyone.

After I registered for night school I told D I couldn’t work my usual Monday night shift and I’d need Thursday night off too. Both she and Y knew I was planning on going back to school. Her response “Monday nights are going to be a problem”….?!?!?!...Ummm, ok? For who? Me? No, I need to go back to school. I’d already explain at length to both her and Y that HE made more money than I, 2 to 3x what I make. I need to go back to school to add to my “skill set” so I can get earn additional income.

Fine, D works it out, I’ll have Mondays off.

I tell her I’ll be needing additional time off, basically going down to part-time, because I need to study in addition to going to the actual classes. Plus, before exams I’ll need more time off, I suggest she needs to hire a part-timer, D agrees, frankly we need someone just to cover shifts if one of us gets sick.

I go on my 4 day trip, get back, and no help wanted sign in the window. I ask D about it, oh, Y doesn’t want to hire anyone else. Also, they don’t plan on hiring any additional kitchen staff. Why? Because they want to save money, and so far it’s been working out…?!?!?! Sure we’re all working like dogs, but it’s working for them and saving money. It’s fucking crazy, their running a restaurant open 7 days a week with a seating capacity of 100 on 3 waitresses and 2 experienced cooks, and plan to keep it that way. All they need is a kettle drum to keep us all rowing in time.

I’m not alone in bitching about burning out; D has laid down some pretty good rants too, even ‘tho she’s been able to keep her 2 days off a week.

So D asks me what kind of time I need off when I start school, I’m currently working 25 to 30 hours a week, I tell her I need to drop down to 15 to maybe 20, and she should do up a schedule for Jan so we can get it sorted out now. Especially since she’s going on a cruise in early January.

She talks to Y again about hiring another waitress, Y finally agrees. They ask me to print up a sign on my computer, done.

Meanwhile, she still hasn’t done a schedule for this next week. I remind her I have a grief counseling appointment on Thurs the 13^th  at 10am. She asks if I can come in at 11:15 for the lunch shift? Probably not a good idea….is she for real?!

We settle on me coming in for the dinner shift, z’bitch will work lunch.

I see the schedule yesterday, she has me coming in at 10:15 on that Thurs…..head to desk…head to desk…I remind her that I have a GRIEF COUNSELING appointment at 10 that day. She again tries to sell me on coming it later for the lunch shift. I tell her it’s not a good idea and I don’t think coming in looking like a lab rat (blonde with red eyes) is a good look for a waitress. We again settle on me coming in for the night shift.

She also shows me a schedule she did up for January; I have Mondays off, but didn’t get a really good look at it since we got busy with customers.

D then tells me based on that schedule they won’t be hiring another waitress….and I repeat, It’s fucking crazy, their running a restaurant open 7 days a week with a seating capacity of 100 on 3 waitresses and 2 experienced cooks, and plan to keep it that way.

Last night I was mulling things over, was Monday the only day I had off on that Jan schedule? If so that means I’m working 6 days a week, and even if I’m only working 3 hours a day that’s 18 hours a week, and most shifts are longer and I know there were a few doubles in there…so I’m probably back up to at least 25 hours a week.

I phone D at home and ask if I only have the Mondays off, she says she can’t remember, we’ll have to check it again. And BTW she forgot she already promised z’bitch Thursday the 13^th lunch shift off so I’ll have to come in……”Sorry, I forgot”…..

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?

If she had told me from the get go I’d have to work that shift I would have re-scheduled my appointment, if I do that now it’ll be after Christmas. Fine, lab rat Thursday it is then.

I do have some sympathy for D, her hands are tied to a certain extent by Y, and D has also talked about quitting. But she’s in her mid 50s and I think too scared to jump ship, she knows the owners are taking huge advantage of us, she puts up with it.

I won’t.

And my sympathy vanishes for D if can’t be bothered to write down changes in the schedule to make sure nothing conflicts.

I have had some serious thoughts about just flat out quitting without a solid Plan B.

It’s worrying me because impulse control is not my strong suit and starting today I work 4 splits in a row which could drive me over the edge.

Frankly I’m completely stressed out and driving myself crazy. I need to stop being so emotionally invested in that job and (some of) the people that work there. On top of all this, D has always been a chatty Cathy and I’ve always had to put up with, and make sympathetic noises about her problems.  Problems which have become pretty insignificant to me since HE died; ‘tho up until this point I have honestly tried to give a shit. I think that needs to stop too.

I’m trying to talk myself down off this ledge, just accept the Jan schedule, keep your head down go to work, go to school (it is only 2 classes a week); money won’t be so tight if you do.

But that’s not working. I talked to C and J about all this last night and they both think I need to get a Plan B together ASAP.

C’s idea, submit to D what days/shifts I’m willing to work while going to school.

J thinks I should work to rule, do my job, but nothing more, (and we are expected to do more) and maybe a bit slower than usual.

And both those plans are based on the fact I’ll be finding a new job soon.

Adding to my muddled thoughts is a bit of a Plan B.

J works at a doctor’s office and they need a temporary, part time office assistant, J might be able to get me in. It pays pretty well, would give me current office experience for my resume and there’s a small chance it might go from temporary to permanent.

So if I got that job I’d then have to go to work and tell them (after fussing over needing more time off) that I can only start work at 11:15 in the morning’s because I’ve taken another job. Or I just flat out quit and hope it turns into a permanent position, and I’m not sure it’s worth that gamble.

The above was written this morning before I went into work.

A few updates:

Overnight the scheduling fairies sprinkled their magical dust on this month’s schedule. I now have one day off out of 16. D said I must have written it down wrong in the first place but I always double check my copy against the calendar she writes, I’m not careless, and this is the 3^rd time in 2 months things have “magically” changed, either in my favour or not.

She also told me if the grief counseling was too tough I didn’t have to come in…gee thanks…I know I should be grateful but I have a problem with this. If I do show I’ll probably be a mess if I don’t show it also reflects badly on me. It’s a no-win situation for me.

I also turned off my giving a shit about her problems, it sounds selfish, and I felt selfish but it made work very simplistic.

I looked at the Jan schedule, it’s actually not too bad other than the week D’s on her cruise, but while I was looking at it Y walked by and told me not to write it down because it’ll be changing…head to desk…head to desk….

So, the above was written on my split this afternoon, I’m now home for the night...

A few more updates:

Apparently Thurs the 13^th is just a big clustefuck. Z’bitch wanted the night off, not the day, so I’m working that night and not having to decide if I want to work lunch.

D asked me if I looked at the Jan schedule, I told her yes but Y also told me it would be changing so it was pointless. This set D off on a rant about Y meddling, I just looked at her blankly. When she finally wound down I said to her that was exactly the reason I’ve stopped being invested in this job, it’s too stressful for what should be a simple waitressing gig. Her turn to look at me blankly.

They also cut me loose early, too slow for 3 waitresses on the floor….and I think I might have scared the hell out of D.

Guilty Admission

Let’s start this with talking about how we judge people, and let’s cut the bullshit, we all judge people. It’s true. Whenever you hear someone say “I don’t judge people….” you know they’re about to. (Like whenever you hear “I’m not a racist…” you just know that person’s about to become a fuckwit).

Anyhow, we all judge people, and it’s always a good or bad judgment, ‘tho not necessarily an important one that affects how you feel deep down about the person. IE “Good god, she does not have the thighs to pull off skinny jeans”. Then there are other judgments that will affect how you feel about a person to the core and the rest of my post might very well change your opinion of me.

 I struggled for a long time about writing this, then even more time about actually posting it. I also talked to C and P about what was going on and what they thought of me and the situation I have found myself in, and it’s given me the balls to write this out.

And I do worry about being judged negatively by all of you because for the most part you’re people I’ve invited to read this blog, which means I consider you a good and trusted friend. I’d hate to lose that…I’d also hate to not post this because this blog is about me and how I’m dealing with things, and this is part of it. And I’m pretty sure this is going to be hard for a lot of you to understand since you haven’t had to deal with losing a husband, it’s hard for me to understand, so how can I expect you to?

So, for better or worse, you’re going to judge me, here we go.

Despite the fact I was told by K (another widow) “no men for at least a year”, (for very good reason) and that I still have serious crying jags over missing HIM and that I have little enough time to spend with my friends and have about a million other things I should be thinking/doing, I’ve been spending some time with a male friend.

He’s been a regular at work for about 3 years now, and has been flirting with me a little for about 3 years, and yes, he’s one of the Mexican farm workers. We’ll call him JO.

About 3 months after HE died JO asked me out, in all fairness I never wore jewelry to work so he’d probably have no idea I was married never mind widowed. I turned him down. He looked crestfallen; I felt bad and explained that I was recently widowed. JO went through the usual facial expressions of shock and the usual mumbles about “I’m really sorry” etc. (His English is about as good as my Spanish, meaning not great but ok).

About a month ago he asked if I wanted to go for coffee after I was done work, “solomente amigos”, only as friends. I turned him down. Partly because it felt really wrong to say yes, partly because I was tired and had to work the rest of the weekend, partly because I wasn’t attracted to him at all and partly because of K’s warning of no men for at least a year….and who are we kidding, “solomente amigos”, yeah, right.

It’s not the first time I’ve been asked out, or the second, or 3^rd since HE died, Mexican or local. I’ve been working on a theory that my life’s fucked up enough right now that my body chemistry has changed and I’m throwing off some weird pheromone that makes me attractive to men.

Anyhow, I turned him down saying I was tired and had to work early the next day.

A few weeks ago he asked me out for coffee again, “solomente amigos”, I don’t know why I said yes, other than I was in a good mood and had the weekend off, but I did say yes.

We met after I had changed from work, at which point I realized the only place to get coffee at 10pm at night was the skeazy Tim Horton’s near my place. I didn’t want to go to one of the skeazy bars, too much like a date, and to be honest, I didn’t want to go to one of the nice bars, too much like a date and people I know hang out at the nice bars. How am I going to expect them to understand why I’m there with a guy when I don’t even know?

I also wasn’t keen on having the pressure of sitting across from JO and trying to make conversation, or worse, force it. I suggested going to play pool at one of the skeazy bars, he countered with playing pool at the local Portuguese Club, and off we went.

I had fun, we had a few beers, laughed about our pool playing and English/Spanish skills, talked about our jobs, music and all the other stuff you talk about getting to know someone.

He wouldn’t let me pay for anything.

Insisted on walking me home.

When I thanked him for a nice night out he said “No medigas gracias lo ago porti”, (No need to thank I do it for you).

Then he kissed me on the hand.

Then on the inside of the wrist.

Then he kissed me on the lips.

And I kissed him back.

Then had a “OH GOOD GOD” moment and backed into the door. Horrified, stunned, guilty and sad.

JO was very quick to apologize, looking kinda horrified himself. I said it was partial my fault and that I was sorry but “solomente amigos”. He apologized again, kissed my hand, told me to have a good night and left. I went inside and beat up on myself while chain smoking cigarettes.

The next day he sent me a text saying he hoped I was having a good day off, that he had a good time last night and that he was sorry about the kiss. I texted him back something along the lines of it was ok, I was going riding and I hoped he had a good day at work.

Spent the rest of the day alternately feeling horrible and thinking about the kiss and how nice it was.

We traded a few more texts back and forth over the next few days and he asked if I wanted to get together for dinner “solomente amigos”...a smarter, appropriate, widow would have said no. I didn’t.

I could list all the thought process and justifications down but it basically came down to this: I did have fun with him playing pool, he’s interesting and funny, I’m comfortable with him and if he keeps his lips away from mine we’ll be good.

This is going to seem like I’m inviting trouble into mi casa but I invited him to come over for dinner. I hated the thought of him paying for dinner on top of our last night out. He had already told me that when he goes back to Mexico he works in construction and makes around the equivalent to $70 CAD a week?!?!?! That’s insane and sad. Dinner at a decent restaurant would easily cost more than half his weeks’ wages in Mexico.

…..So he spent more than 20% of his week’s wages in Mexico and took a cab to my place.

I “cooked” a frozen lasagna (the last remaining food item dropped off after HE died, ironic and fucked up) while we traded Spanish/English dictionaries and words back and forth and ended up watching a movie, in Spanish.

He put his arm around me, I slouched into him.

He picked up my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist, I curled up against him.

He did not keep his lips away from mine.

I did not throw myself off the couch.

Nor did I have an “Oh good god” moment, lightening didn’t strike me down; HIS urn didn’t fly across the room and shatter.

I kissed a boy and I liked it.

And I feel guilty for it and I feel more guilty that I don’t feel more guilty about it.

A lot of you, especially those that know and loved James, are thinking “How could you?!?!?”, and I’m with you, how could I?!?!?... I don’t know.

I don’t feel like I’m cheating on HIM, but I do feel like I’m cheating on HIS memory. And I’ve bitched before about how I hate time and I wish this “grieving process” would get over and done with but this new situation feels way too soon, disrespectful infact.

But it was nice, more than nice actually. Just curling up on the couch with someone was a nice, comfortable novelty, and I hate to say it something that hasn’t happened in many years.

At the time of the writing of this we’ve seen each other a handful of times.

For his part JO seems to understand and respect my boundaries, both physical and emotional, and he doesn’t push them. His hands can roam around my arms, shoulders, neck and back, period. And he understands that’s not going to change anytime soon. He also understands that it’s almost impossible for me to answer questions about me or my life without mentioning HIM. I appreciate his understanding.

He tells me I’m beautiful, and I honestly believe he thinks so, not because he tells me, but by the way he treats me, and I will save you from the gooey details but geez…he kisses the inside of my wrist…just randomly for no apparent reason. 

He also treats me like the total princess that I’m not. Doors are opened for me, things are carried, he’s cooked dinner for me, he wants to help me winterize the windows, he worries about me having to shovel snow this winter?!

And I wasn’t attracted to him the night we played pool, but he gets more handsome to me every time I see him.

Do I think this is the start of a big new relationship? No, nor do I want one. The fact is in a few weeks he’ll be leaving to go back to Mexico, and assuming he comes back it won’t be for 5 months. And frankly, I think that’s a good thing.

Am I trying to replace HIM? No, there’s no replacing HIM

Am I one of those girls that has to have a guy in her life to validate herself? No, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been that kind of girl. I hope to god I’m not.

Am I using JO to distract myself from the new realities of my life? Yes but I’m very conscious about not making him too much of a distraction.

…when C and I talked about this she did have the opinion that hanging out with JO was no different than hanging out with her or P or other friends. Which makes sense until I told her that she had never kissed me the way JO has.

C’s reply: “well, not yet…”.

Everybody should have someone like C in their life.

For P’s part, she thinks it’s nice and not a bad thing that there’s someone who I’m comfortable spending time with. I also think she’s maybe struggling with the idea a bit since she’s been friends with HE and I for so long. I appreciate her support because of that.

Other than feeling unfaithful to HIS memory, I’m struggling with the whole “judgment” issue. We all judge people, we all hate to be judged and a lot of us say “I don’t care what people think”. But I do care what some people think, friends who read this blog and a few important people in my life who don’t. Specifically my parents, D and the P Family.

Any thing they or you might be thinking I’ve already thought about myself and this situation, believe me, but it’s more complicated with them.

I also don’t want anyone thinking JO’s taking advantage of someone in a weakened emotional state or something along those lines; he’s a good person, or at least a good person to me. And besides, it takes two to tango. I could have thrown myself off the couch, I choose not to.

We’re keeping this on the down low, and I feel bad about that.

So there you go. I’m spending time with a male friend who is kind, funny, smart and kisses the inside of my wrist.

Update: I’ve sat on this for a few weeks while trying to decide whether I wanted post this or not, obviously I decided I should.

JO and his lips are now back in Mexico. We saw each other once or twice a week for about a month. It remained fun and comfortable; he never pushed my boundaries. He helped me winterize the windows.

He said he’d like to pick up where we left off when he returns, I’ve said ok, but let’s be honest; god knows where I’ll be in 5 months, literally and figuratively.

I’m thinking of this little chapter in my life as a romantic get away from the daily grind of widowhood, a little unreality in my reality.

I don’t regret it but nor do I plan to repeat it anytime soon.

I’ve known all along that K’s right about “no men for at least a year”, I never doubted that, and I can understand why now more than ever. On one hand I struggled with the whole “WTF am I doing?!?!” Bad Widow!! BAD!! On the other it’s too tempting to just go with it, getting wrapped up in the addictive cozy feeling of a boy liking you. I very consciously tried to not get wrapped up in it, the fact that I knew he was leaving helped, but part of me very much wanted to dwell in that cozy feeling for good.

The reality is, kisses on the wrist make me feel better about my life but they don’t solve any of the problems. And this little romance could be a good sign of me moving forward, or the total opposite…I don’t know, but I’m not going to regret it.