Maximum Overdrive

This will probably be my last post until I get back from Texas, I leave next week and I’m a bit panicked about everything I have to do before I go.

It’s not just the packing, and I am a horrible packer, I always, always, always over pack for trips. I cannot seem to quiet that little voice in my head that says “But what if…?” so I end up packing for just about any reasonable scenario that could happen at the local I’m going, and a few unreasonable ones too.

There’s also my parents who are showing up the day before I get home, the house needs to be cleaned…even ‘tho my Mom will clean it again when she gets here. Then there’s all the odds and ends, horses, cat care, blah, blah blah and work, both of them!

I went in to J’s office last week and met with the manager, it wasn’t really an interview, we just chatted a bit and I gave her my resume, she asked when I could come in for some training and that’s what I did last Wed and Thurs. J says the manager, LD, likes me and since they want me in again this coming week and when I get back from Texas it’s kind of assumed that I have the job. Again, it’s only temporary/part time, but still, I’m pretty excited about it. And so far I like it, it’s different, I get along with everyone and there are some parts of the job that’ll be challenging for me. And it pays well.

So Thurs night after my shift at the restaurant I had to tell D I couldn’t work any lunch shifts after I got back from my trip. I was a bit worried D would have a stroke and Y would fire me. That didn’t happen. D told me she was proud of me, Y shot me the stink eye and told D “You put sign in the window and hire new girl now part time”, and hasn’t really talked to me since.

‘Tho looking at January being fired might not have been a bad thing. The same week I start school D leaves on a 10 day cruise and even if they have a new waitress she won’t be ready to work alone so I’m pretty much guaranteed to be insanely busy with 2 jobs and school…never mind getting my ass back to the gym and riding.

So basically I’m still stressed out, but over different things at least.

I also started grief counseling last week. (Yep, it was quite the week). I met with Dr. M and we basically did an overview of my issues – which is prefect because I didn’t go in for counseling earlier because I thought it would be pointless to just sit in his office and cry for an hour (I can do that at home). I waited until I had some definite ISSUES pinpointed. So we talked about them in basic terms. I have to be honest; I’m not sure how this is going to go. I’m telling a guy I just met stuff I’ve only discussed with 2 or 3 friends I’ve known for years, it’s uncomfortable. And I ended up crying anyways, in front of someone I just met, very uncomfortable.

Dr. M did say something that made a lot of sense, he said I may have lost a husband but my new boyfriend’s guilt, and guilt and I need to break up and he’s going to help me do that. And he’s right I feel guilty about a lot of things. Things I did or didn’t do in our marriage, things I wish we had done, things that happened after HE died, even things unrelated to HIM but associated with his death.

I also commented on Dr. M’s diplomas and certificates, that I assumed he knew what he was doing since he had so many of them. He said he printed them out himself.

And this gives me hope because this puts him right in the same sense of humor as CMJ and CMJ was awesome.

So, I’ll let you know how it goes, fingers crossed.

So how’s this whole Christmas thing going? Ok, I guess. I’m studiously ignoring it, or trying to.

I’ve gotten some Christmas cards in the mail, I read them then they get chucked, no cards lining the mantle this year. Any presents not being bought in TX are already gotten, no malls in my future – thank god.

Work’s a bit more difficult, we’ve been listening to Christmas music since mid-November because D says “every one expects it”. Not true. She just fucking loves the holiday and can’t wait to get started on it, the restaurant has also been totally tricked out in decorations and a tree.

I feel bad too, (hey look it’s my boyfriend guilt!) we always put out Christmas stockings for the cats and horses, I won’t be doing that this year, I just can’t bear it. I’m also not wrapping any presents I bought. I always wrapped HIS gifts (badly) but HE was in charge of doing the rest. I’d help with ribbons and tags, he’d play Christmas music (Trans Siberian Orchestra was his fav) and we’d drink rum and eggnog. I did think a few times about just getting some plain wrapping paper but I just can’t deal with the idea of sitting down, alone, and wrapping stuff.

Again I’m so thankful we didn’t have kids.

I hope you all have a great Christmas, I’m hopeful I’ll have a good one.

Please drive carefully and make the most you have with your friends and family.

And the Band Played On...

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, things are not improving, or even maintaining a consistent level of suck. They are infact getting worse.

Part of it may be my prospective but trying to look at it objectively and talking to C and J about it, it’s not just me.

Just to recap, sometime around Oct and Nov we lost 2 experienced cooks, leaving one of the owners, KL, and the short order cook, M, to handle the kitchen alone. This meant K’s wife, Y, and KL himself had to spend a lot more time in the kitchen and less time on the floor. So all our shifts were upped to make sure we weren’t short staffed on the floor. We’re also expected to do more work in the same amount of time. Our total waitress staff is comprised of me, z’bitch and the manager D. We’ve been making it work; ‘tho “making it work” has involved me being scheduled to work 14 days straight, one day off, then another 9 in November. Part of that might be because of a 4 day trip I just got back from, and D did give me a day off during that 14 day run….and I phoned in sick during the nine day…. But looking at December, I’m now working 16 days straight, right up until I leave for TX.

I’m burning out, badly. Even ‘tho z’bitch has been better, most of the time, she’s still a “challenge”, I’m losing patience with D and the owners and about 75% of the customers who come in. Not good.

They did hire a newbie cook but obviously he’s still training and it hasn’t reduced the pressure on anyone.

After I registered for night school I told D I couldn’t work my usual Monday night shift and I’d need Thursday night off too. Both she and Y knew I was planning on going back to school. Her response “Monday nights are going to be a problem”….?!?!?!...Ummm, ok? For who? Me? No, I need to go back to school. I’d already explain at length to both her and Y that HE made more money than I, 2 to 3x what I make. I need to go back to school to add to my “skill set” so I can get earn additional income.

Fine, D works it out, I’ll have Mondays off.

I tell her I’ll be needing additional time off, basically going down to part-time, because I need to study in addition to going to the actual classes. Plus, before exams I’ll need more time off, I suggest she needs to hire a part-timer, D agrees, frankly we need someone just to cover shifts if one of us gets sick.

I go on my 4 day trip, get back, and no help wanted sign in the window. I ask D about it, oh, Y doesn’t want to hire anyone else. Also, they don’t plan on hiring any additional kitchen staff. Why? Because they want to save money, and so far it’s been working out…?!?!?! Sure we’re all working like dogs, but it’s working for them and saving money. It’s fucking crazy, their running a restaurant open 7 days a week with a seating capacity of 100 on 3 waitresses and 2 experienced cooks, and plan to keep it that way. All they need is a kettle drum to keep us all rowing in time.

I’m not alone in bitching about burning out; D has laid down some pretty good rants too, even ‘tho she’s been able to keep her 2 days off a week.

So D asks me what kind of time I need off when I start school, I’m currently working 25 to 30 hours a week, I tell her I need to drop down to 15 to maybe 20, and she should do up a schedule for Jan so we can get it sorted out now. Especially since she’s going on a cruise in early January.

She talks to Y again about hiring another waitress, Y finally agrees. They ask me to print up a sign on my computer, done.

Meanwhile, she still hasn’t done a schedule for this next week. I remind her I have a grief counseling appointment on Thurs the 13^th  at 10am. She asks if I can come in at 11:15 for the lunch shift? Probably not a good idea….is she for real?!

We settle on me coming in for the dinner shift, z’bitch will work lunch.

I see the schedule yesterday, she has me coming in at 10:15 on that Thurs…..head to desk…head to desk…I remind her that I have a GRIEF COUNSELING appointment at 10 that day. She again tries to sell me on coming it later for the lunch shift. I tell her it’s not a good idea and I don’t think coming in looking like a lab rat (blonde with red eyes) is a good look for a waitress. We again settle on me coming in for the night shift.

She also shows me a schedule she did up for January; I have Mondays off, but didn’t get a really good look at it since we got busy with customers.

D then tells me based on that schedule they won’t be hiring another waitress….and I repeat, It’s fucking crazy, their running a restaurant open 7 days a week with a seating capacity of 100 on 3 waitresses and 2 experienced cooks, and plan to keep it that way.

Last night I was mulling things over, was Monday the only day I had off on that Jan schedule? If so that means I’m working 6 days a week, and even if I’m only working 3 hours a day that’s 18 hours a week, and most shifts are longer and I know there were a few doubles in there…so I’m probably back up to at least 25 hours a week.

I phone D at home and ask if I only have the Mondays off, she says she can’t remember, we’ll have to check it again. And BTW she forgot she already promised z’bitch Thursday the 13^th lunch shift off so I’ll have to come in……”Sorry, I forgot”…..

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?

If she had told me from the get go I’d have to work that shift I would have re-scheduled my appointment, if I do that now it’ll be after Christmas. Fine, lab rat Thursday it is then.

I do have some sympathy for D, her hands are tied to a certain extent by Y, and D has also talked about quitting. But she’s in her mid 50s and I think too scared to jump ship, she knows the owners are taking huge advantage of us, she puts up with it.

I won’t.

And my sympathy vanishes for D if can’t be bothered to write down changes in the schedule to make sure nothing conflicts.

I have had some serious thoughts about just flat out quitting without a solid Plan B.

It’s worrying me because impulse control is not my strong suit and starting today I work 4 splits in a row which could drive me over the edge.

Frankly I’m completely stressed out and driving myself crazy. I need to stop being so emotionally invested in that job and (some of) the people that work there. On top of all this, D has always been a chatty Cathy and I’ve always had to put up with, and make sympathetic noises about her problems.  Problems which have become pretty insignificant to me since HE died; ‘tho up until this point I have honestly tried to give a shit. I think that needs to stop too.

I’m trying to talk myself down off this ledge, just accept the Jan schedule, keep your head down go to work, go to school (it is only 2 classes a week); money won’t be so tight if you do.

But that’s not working. I talked to C and J about all this last night and they both think I need to get a Plan B together ASAP.

C’s idea, submit to D what days/shifts I’m willing to work while going to school.

J thinks I should work to rule, do my job, but nothing more, (and we are expected to do more) and maybe a bit slower than usual.

And both those plans are based on the fact I’ll be finding a new job soon.

Adding to my muddled thoughts is a bit of a Plan B.

J works at a doctor’s office and they need a temporary, part time office assistant, J might be able to get me in. It pays pretty well, would give me current office experience for my resume and there’s a small chance it might go from temporary to permanent.

So if I got that job I’d then have to go to work and tell them (after fussing over needing more time off) that I can only start work at 11:15 in the morning’s because I’ve taken another job. Or I just flat out quit and hope it turns into a permanent position, and I’m not sure it’s worth that gamble.

The above was written this morning before I went into work.

A few updates:

Overnight the scheduling fairies sprinkled their magical dust on this month’s schedule. I now have one day off out of 16. D said I must have written it down wrong in the first place but I always double check my copy against the calendar she writes, I’m not careless, and this is the 3^rd time in 2 months things have “magically” changed, either in my favour or not.

She also told me if the grief counseling was too tough I didn’t have to come in…gee thanks…I know I should be grateful but I have a problem with this. If I do show I’ll probably be a mess if I don’t show it also reflects badly on me. It’s a no-win situation for me.

I also turned off my giving a shit about her problems, it sounds selfish, and I felt selfish but it made work very simplistic.

I looked at the Jan schedule, it’s actually not too bad other than the week D’s on her cruise, but while I was looking at it Y walked by and told me not to write it down because it’ll be changing…head to desk…head to desk….

So, the above was written on my split this afternoon, I’m now home for the night...

A few more updates:

Apparently Thurs the 13^th is just a big clustefuck. Z’bitch wanted the night off, not the day, so I’m working that night and not having to decide if I want to work lunch.

D asked me if I looked at the Jan schedule, I told her yes but Y also told me it would be changing so it was pointless. This set D off on a rant about Y meddling, I just looked at her blankly. When she finally wound down I said to her that was exactly the reason I’ve stopped being invested in this job, it’s too stressful for what should be a simple waitressing gig. Her turn to look at me blankly.

They also cut me loose early, too slow for 3 waitresses on the floor….and I think I might have scared the hell out of D.

Guilty Admission

Let’s start this with talking about how we judge people, and let’s cut the bullshit, we all judge people. It’s true. Whenever you hear someone say “I don’t judge people….” you know they’re about to. (Like whenever you hear “I’m not a racist…” you just know that person’s about to become a fuckwit).

Anyhow, we all judge people, and it’s always a good or bad judgment, ‘tho not necessarily an important one that affects how you feel deep down about the person. IE “Good god, she does not have the thighs to pull off skinny jeans”. Then there are other judgments that will affect how you feel about a person to the core and the rest of my post might very well change your opinion of me.

 I struggled for a long time about writing this, then even more time about actually posting it. I also talked to C and P about what was going on and what they thought of me and the situation I have found myself in, and it’s given me the balls to write this out.

And I do worry about being judged negatively by all of you because for the most part you’re people I’ve invited to read this blog, which means I consider you a good and trusted friend. I’d hate to lose that…I’d also hate to not post this because this blog is about me and how I’m dealing with things, and this is part of it. And I’m pretty sure this is going to be hard for a lot of you to understand since you haven’t had to deal with losing a husband, it’s hard for me to understand, so how can I expect you to?

So, for better or worse, you’re going to judge me, here we go.

Despite the fact I was told by K (another widow) “no men for at least a year”, (for very good reason) and that I still have serious crying jags over missing HIM and that I have little enough time to spend with my friends and have about a million other things I should be thinking/doing, I’ve been spending some time with a male friend.

He’s been a regular at work for about 3 years now, and has been flirting with me a little for about 3 years, and yes, he’s one of the Mexican farm workers. We’ll call him JO.

About 3 months after HE died JO asked me out, in all fairness I never wore jewelry to work so he’d probably have no idea I was married never mind widowed. I turned him down. He looked crestfallen; I felt bad and explained that I was recently widowed. JO went through the usual facial expressions of shock and the usual mumbles about “I’m really sorry” etc. (His English is about as good as my Spanish, meaning not great but ok).

About a month ago he asked if I wanted to go for coffee after I was done work, “solomente amigos”, only as friends. I turned him down. Partly because it felt really wrong to say yes, partly because I was tired and had to work the rest of the weekend, partly because I wasn’t attracted to him at all and partly because of K’s warning of no men for at least a year….and who are we kidding, “solomente amigos”, yeah, right.

It’s not the first time I’ve been asked out, or the second, or 3^rd since HE died, Mexican or local. I’ve been working on a theory that my life’s fucked up enough right now that my body chemistry has changed and I’m throwing off some weird pheromone that makes me attractive to men.

Anyhow, I turned him down saying I was tired and had to work early the next day.

A few weeks ago he asked me out for coffee again, “solomente amigos”, I don’t know why I said yes, other than I was in a good mood and had the weekend off, but I did say yes.

We met after I had changed from work, at which point I realized the only place to get coffee at 10pm at night was the skeazy Tim Horton’s near my place. I didn’t want to go to one of the skeazy bars, too much like a date, and to be honest, I didn’t want to go to one of the nice bars, too much like a date and people I know hang out at the nice bars. How am I going to expect them to understand why I’m there with a guy when I don’t even know?

I also wasn’t keen on having the pressure of sitting across from JO and trying to make conversation, or worse, force it. I suggested going to play pool at one of the skeazy bars, he countered with playing pool at the local Portuguese Club, and off we went.

I had fun, we had a few beers, laughed about our pool playing and English/Spanish skills, talked about our jobs, music and all the other stuff you talk about getting to know someone.

He wouldn’t let me pay for anything.

Insisted on walking me home.

When I thanked him for a nice night out he said “No medigas gracias lo ago porti”, (No need to thank I do it for you).

Then he kissed me on the hand.

Then on the inside of the wrist.

Then he kissed me on the lips.

And I kissed him back.

Then had a “OH GOOD GOD” moment and backed into the door. Horrified, stunned, guilty and sad.

JO was very quick to apologize, looking kinda horrified himself. I said it was partial my fault and that I was sorry but “solomente amigos”. He apologized again, kissed my hand, told me to have a good night and left. I went inside and beat up on myself while chain smoking cigarettes.

The next day he sent me a text saying he hoped I was having a good day off, that he had a good time last night and that he was sorry about the kiss. I texted him back something along the lines of it was ok, I was going riding and I hoped he had a good day at work.

Spent the rest of the day alternately feeling horrible and thinking about the kiss and how nice it was.

We traded a few more texts back and forth over the next few days and he asked if I wanted to get together for dinner “solomente amigos”...a smarter, appropriate, widow would have said no. I didn’t.

I could list all the thought process and justifications down but it basically came down to this: I did have fun with him playing pool, he’s interesting and funny, I’m comfortable with him and if he keeps his lips away from mine we’ll be good.

This is going to seem like I’m inviting trouble into mi casa but I invited him to come over for dinner. I hated the thought of him paying for dinner on top of our last night out. He had already told me that when he goes back to Mexico he works in construction and makes around the equivalent to $70 CAD a week?!?!?! That’s insane and sad. Dinner at a decent restaurant would easily cost more than half his weeks’ wages in Mexico.

…..So he spent more than 20% of his week’s wages in Mexico and took a cab to my place.

I “cooked” a frozen lasagna (the last remaining food item dropped off after HE died, ironic and fucked up) while we traded Spanish/English dictionaries and words back and forth and ended up watching a movie, in Spanish.

He put his arm around me, I slouched into him.

He picked up my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist, I curled up against him.

He did not keep his lips away from mine.

I did not throw myself off the couch.

Nor did I have an “Oh good god” moment, lightening didn’t strike me down; HIS urn didn’t fly across the room and shatter.

I kissed a boy and I liked it.

And I feel guilty for it and I feel more guilty that I don’t feel more guilty about it.

A lot of you, especially those that know and loved James, are thinking “How could you?!?!?”, and I’m with you, how could I?!?!?... I don’t know.

I don’t feel like I’m cheating on HIM, but I do feel like I’m cheating on HIS memory. And I’ve bitched before about how I hate time and I wish this “grieving process” would get over and done with but this new situation feels way too soon, disrespectful infact.

But it was nice, more than nice actually. Just curling up on the couch with someone was a nice, comfortable novelty, and I hate to say it something that hasn’t happened in many years.

At the time of the writing of this we’ve seen each other a handful of times.

For his part JO seems to understand and respect my boundaries, both physical and emotional, and he doesn’t push them. His hands can roam around my arms, shoulders, neck and back, period. And he understands that’s not going to change anytime soon. He also understands that it’s almost impossible for me to answer questions about me or my life without mentioning HIM. I appreciate his understanding.

He tells me I’m beautiful, and I honestly believe he thinks so, not because he tells me, but by the way he treats me, and I will save you from the gooey details but geez…he kisses the inside of my wrist…just randomly for no apparent reason. 

He also treats me like the total princess that I’m not. Doors are opened for me, things are carried, he’s cooked dinner for me, he wants to help me winterize the windows, he worries about me having to shovel snow this winter?!

And I wasn’t attracted to him the night we played pool, but he gets more handsome to me every time I see him.

Do I think this is the start of a big new relationship? No, nor do I want one. The fact is in a few weeks he’ll be leaving to go back to Mexico, and assuming he comes back it won’t be for 5 months. And frankly, I think that’s a good thing.

Am I trying to replace HIM? No, there’s no replacing HIM

Am I one of those girls that has to have a guy in her life to validate herself? No, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been that kind of girl. I hope to god I’m not.

Am I using JO to distract myself from the new realities of my life? Yes but I’m very conscious about not making him too much of a distraction.

…when C and I talked about this she did have the opinion that hanging out with JO was no different than hanging out with her or P or other friends. Which makes sense until I told her that she had never kissed me the way JO has.

C’s reply: “well, not yet…”.

Everybody should have someone like C in their life.

For P’s part, she thinks it’s nice and not a bad thing that there’s someone who I’m comfortable spending time with. I also think she’s maybe struggling with the idea a bit since she’s been friends with HE and I for so long. I appreciate her support because of that.

Other than feeling unfaithful to HIS memory, I’m struggling with the whole “judgment” issue. We all judge people, we all hate to be judged and a lot of us say “I don’t care what people think”. But I do care what some people think, friends who read this blog and a few important people in my life who don’t. Specifically my parents, D and the P Family.

Any thing they or you might be thinking I’ve already thought about myself and this situation, believe me, but it’s more complicated with them.

I also don’t want anyone thinking JO’s taking advantage of someone in a weakened emotional state or something along those lines; he’s a good person, or at least a good person to me. And besides, it takes two to tango. I could have thrown myself off the couch, I choose not to.

We’re keeping this on the down low, and I feel bad about that.

So there you go. I’m spending time with a male friend who is kind, funny, smart and kisses the inside of my wrist.

Update: I’ve sat on this for a few weeks while trying to decide whether I wanted post this or not, obviously I decided I should.

JO and his lips are now back in Mexico. We saw each other once or twice a week for about a month. It remained fun and comfortable; he never pushed my boundaries. He helped me winterize the windows.

He said he’d like to pick up where we left off when he returns, I’ve said ok, but let’s be honest; god knows where I’ll be in 5 months, literally and figuratively.

I’m thinking of this little chapter in my life as a romantic get away from the daily grind of widowhood, a little unreality in my reality.

I don’t regret it but nor do I plan to repeat it anytime soon.

I’ve known all along that K’s right about “no men for at least a year”, I never doubted that, and I can understand why now more than ever. On one hand I struggled with the whole “WTF am I doing?!?!” Bad Widow!! BAD!! On the other it’s too tempting to just go with it, getting wrapped up in the addictive cozy feeling of a boy liking you. I very consciously tried to not get wrapped up in it, the fact that I knew he was leaving helped, but part of me very much wanted to dwell in that cozy feeling for good.

The reality is, kisses on the wrist make me feel better about my life but they don’t solve any of the problems. And this little romance could be a good sign of me moving forward, or the total opposite…I don’t know, but I’m not going to regret it.

Getting the Ball Rolling

So I’m back to my lists, and getting stuff crossed off.

I’ve got an appointment with a grief counselor Dec. 13^th, longer than I want to wait but he’s apparently very good. I’ve remained sane for this long, thanks to friends and writing this blog so I’m pretty sure I can hang on longer.

I’m also now registered for school. Two night courses in the “Bookkeeping Certificate” curriculum. I wanted to take a 3^rd but the other 2 offered are only taught on the same nights?!?!

My other option is to take a 3rd course that’s offered online…I’m not sure how that’d work out. One minute I’m doing course work and 3 hours later I’m watching Top Gear videos on You Tube? I’m mulling it over.

What I’d like is to take 3 courses this semester, if they go well then I’d complete the course over the summer during a “fast track” program. If I’m struggling a bit I can take some courses over the summer then complete the course during the fall night classes. Either way I should be able to keep working while studying.

Which brings me to the whole work issue.

The P family came into work last Friday and one of their son’s, F,  asked me how I was doing, I told him “bored to death” (it was a slow night), he looked at me and said “do you even like working here?”

….Good question, complicated question, question I’ve been mulling over since last Friday.

I like some of the people I work with.

I like some of our regular customers.

I really like working busy Friday nights when I get to practice my Spanish….because I get to practice my Spanish and some of the guys are eye-candy.

Do I laugh at work? Yes, sometimes I have fun.

BUT

Do I look forward to going to work? No

Do I find my job challenging? No, the only challenge is getting along with certain “personalities” at work.

Do I want to work there the rest of my life? Hell no

And that’s not exactly a big surprise, I’ve talked before about the need to bring in more money and that I kind of settled into a rut of working at the restaurant and that another job was a necessity, but I’ve come to realize, I don’t like my job.

Granted, because we’re short staffed I’m there way too much and that’s not helping my perspective but I don’t like my job in general. I deal with one surly co-worker on a regular basis (she’s been better lately but yesterday we were back to square one). The owners of the restaurant tend to take their bad moods out on the staff, and even before we got short staffed they started to pile on more prep-work but no extra time to complete it, and get pissed if we don’t. I’ve been rolling my eyes a lot at them, never a good sign. The customers generally don’t understand the concept of 15% and we get a lot of messy families to clean up after.

Case in point, I’m writing this after calling in sick to work. I’m not sick. I’ve got stuff I need to get done piling up and frankly, didn’t feel like dealing with surly co-worker 2 days in a row.

Trying to be objective, I think the main reason I’m there is out of loyalty to my manager (who I do like a lot, even ‘tho she drives me crazy sometimes) because if I leave she’s screwed over until she trains someone new. And we’re all already pretty screwed over because of being short staffed in the kitchen. That’s only if I found a new job immediately that needed me to start immediately which isn’t the case, but I’d feel horrible if that was the case.

And yeah, I’m not supposed to make any big changes for another 6 months, but what if it’s a positive change? Do I continue in a job rut where I’m not happy? That doesn’t make sense.

I don’t know…I was thinking: take night courses this winter, more over the summer, possibly fall,  keep working at the restaurant where I know what I’m doing/know what to expect then start looking for a new job after my schooling is done. But I don’t like my job, and now that I’ve realized that, working there for 6 to 12 months seems like endless drudgery.

I’m trying to figure out if I should thank F for his innocent question or not?

Slippery Slope

Despite my “The Breakup” post (from months ago) I’m drinking a lot of coffee, large double double, and still smoking, and smoking too much. I’m going to the gym but still inconsistently, my eating habits range from healthy to really, really not.

I also have to get back to making lists. I think it’s like being mentally unstable and needing to take meds. Sometimes people take the meds and feel normal enough to stop taking them, then things start unraveling. I need to keep making lists to stay on top of things.

I’ll be taking night classes starting in January, but haven’t registered yet, what am I waiting for?

Ditto with grief counseling, there’s nothing stopping me from opening up the phone book and getting on it, but I haven’t.

There are long overdue e-mails I have to reply to and some I need to write.

Things are also starting to pile up in the house, including tumble weeds of cat hair.

I guess I can blame my work schedule for part of it, it’s still insane, and given the choice when I do have down time I’d rather go to the barn and ride than sweep – which I actually think is a good thing, the barn is back to being a fun place for the most part. I’m also busy socially, also a good thing I think.

But I have to keep on top of the important “moving forward” things, my hope is to become a better me despite (or maybe because?) of losing him…frankly, I need to be a better me, I don’t want to backslide into some existence of just being. Or worse, settling. I want to live a good life, pro-active, responsible and happy. Obviously I have great friends/family that can, have and will help me, but this new life is pretty much on me. It’s scary and tiring. Overwhelming when I think too much about it. So I’m not going to over think it, I’m going to make my list for this week and just keep crossing things off it, it’s simpler that way and I actually get shit done rather than thinking of all the shit I need to get done.

Footnote: I dropped out of tap class. The 45 min class wasn’t a big problem with my new (insane) work schedule but I needed to practice during the week to even marginally keep up with the rest of the class and I was having problems fitting that in. If I didn’t practice the class went from fun and slightly embarrassing to stressful, and I’m trying to cut down on my stress not add to it. Also, when I signed up it was to get me out of the house more, and that’s defiantly not a problem now. I have my tap shoes and notes from class so I can still mess around with it in my kitchen. I feel bad that I quit but, well, I mean come on, its tap dancing not finding the cure for cancer.

The End of the Affair

Last week I got a call from CMJ, HIS coroner’s report was finally in and so back to the police station I went.

As far as the police angle goes this is the final business of HIS life, it’ll be filed and that’s it, also the final trip for me to interview room #2 with CMJ.

I like him, he’s good at his job/handling me. He made a quip about “our usual room”, I replied “we have to quit meeting like this”, his response “people are starting to talk”.

I mean who says stuff like that before talking about a final coroner’s report?!?! CMJ and I, and I’m glad for it. Everyone should have CMJ in their life when dealing with something like this.

There was only one surprise and one ugly truth.

When a wreck that significant happens it’s not any big surprise that “blunt force trauma” is the cause of death, ribs, sternum and collarbone where all broken. I imagine other things were too but CMJ didn’t mention them because they didn’t lead to his death.

The surprise: HE was suffering from “mild to moderate” heart disease. Not that it matters now but other than the smoking I thought he was pretty healthy, I guess that’s another bullet HE dodged.

The ugly truth: HE didn’t die instantly.

I’d been content to assume HE did until told otherwise, and finding out exactly when HE died has been a big question in my mind, something I didn’t want to know but needed to know, if that makes any sense?

HE was breathing (but unconscious) when he was pulled from the wreck, ditto when put in the ambulance, he stopped breathing in transit to the hospital and was pronounced on arrival.

That’s anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes that HE was fighting to live, that’s almost unbearable to me. Unconscious or not, what was going through HIS mind? Did HE realize what had happened? Did HE know why he was fighting or what he was fighting for? Did HE think of me?

Or was HIS brain on autopilot, so busy trying to keep his heart pumping and his lungs breathing that nothing else mattered?

I’m hoping for the latter, if it wasn’t a quick death I’m hoping, and infact assuming, that HE was oblivious to everything except trying to stay alive. Anything else is unbearable to me.

So there you have it.

I’ve gotten the answers to the questions I had that can be answered. There’s a whole list of others that can’t be and I’ll have to live with that, I don’t really have much choice.

I thanked CMJ for all of his time and told him that I thought he was really good at his job, and I honestly meant it. Everything from telling me flat out that going to clean out the SUV would do me more harm than good, and going to do it himself, to our final meeting about the coroner’s report was handled exactly the way I needed it to be handled. Or more accurately, I was handled exactly the way I needed to be handled.

I don’t get the feeling he gets thanked a lot and I guess that’s understandable, but I think it’s a shame. Both P and C have said people are in your life for a reason, season or lifetime, I’m glad CMJ was in mine.

Habit Forming

Had a busy “dealing with regular life” day yesterday.

8:30 am Meeting with the “Student Success Advisor” (lmao!?!?) at the local college about the course I’m thinking of taking.

10:00 am Doctor’s appointment with my new family doctor! It was just a meeting to see if we suited each other, I think we do. She was reading over my form about past medical history and saw the part where it asked about smoking. She looks at me, and totally deadpan asked “You smoke? Are you rich?” It totally cracked me up. I have an appointment for a full physical with her, Dr. E, in a few weeks.

The kicker about Dr. E, she’s a nun…yep, a real habit and wimple wearing nun, and nothing bland about her, she wears blue.

11:00 am, oil change for Oliver. Also bought him a totally inappropriate hitch cover, inappropriate considering how HE died, but it makes me laugh so I’m going with it.

Then stopped at the local employment center to pick their brains about my employment chances if I take the “Book Keeping” course. (Chances are better than if I took the “Office Basics” computer course). Then off to the hardware store to pick up winterizing kits for out windows, then lunch with C.

After lunch, clean kitchen, groceries, ride.

A good, productive day, things crossed off the list. I feel good about a day off well used but I’m also finding days like yesterday hard. It’ll occur to me during the day that I’m getting on with my life, not our life. And I mean it’s good and all that I’m getting on with my life but…I still much prefer our life.

On that note, there have been some, and I hate to admit it, positive things that have developed since HE died.

Going back to school is one of them. I had pretty much settled into a rut as far as my work life went, this gave me the kick in the ass to move (hopefully) forward.

More importantly I have much stronger friendships now, new ones, and although I always appreciated my very good friends I have a far better understanding for why we’re friends and how deep that friendship goes. I don’t know, it’s kind of hard to explain.

CM, a friend from the barn (the one who took care of our horses while I was a complete mess) recently mentioned in an e-mail “As much as I hate that James died, we have gotten to know each other more and this is a cool thing.” And she’s right. And she’s turning into a very good friend.

C and I were talking the other day about people we know that will self-create problems then whine, bitch, moan, not accept responsibility and throw massive pity parties for themselves, and how we have no use for them. Self created or not we tend to just deal with problems, probably while repeating THIS FUCKING SUCKS to ourselves. And that is the common thread between my good friends. Any pity-parties are limited to conversations/rants looking for input on how best to solve the problem, never broadcast on Face Book, then life goes on.

I guess basically I’m learning and growing from this experience, but it seems wrong, and feels horrible, to put a “positive” spin on HIS death.

I’ve had a few people ask about the grief counseling here’s an update:

The pressure if off to find one in the 6 month time span from HIS death. I talked to the “Benefits Counselor” at my insurance company and there never was any time limit! I have no idea where I got the 6 month time limit, but it was firmly stuck in my brain that I had 6 months to get into counseling for them to pay for it. Totally not the case. Also, I don’t have to have one referred to me by a family doctor. Apparently she suggested my family doctor could probably refer me to someone, but I can find someone myself.

I’m completely relieved, but I do question why they don’t write this shit down for you for reference after you meet with them? Would have saved me the whole Dr Asshat episode!

Anyways, I’m going to get myself a therapist/grief counselor in the next few weeks, I think I’ll need one with Christmas approaching…hell, I know I need one now, so off I go therapist shopping.

A few of my favorite things

Images of Wile driving over a cliff have kept me giggling on and off since Friday, a good thing. But I thought I’d also share 2 of my other happy places, we all need them.

First off ANIMALS TALKING ALL IN CAPS http://animalstalkinginallcaps.tumblr.com/

It’s exactly what it says, and hysterically funny alot of the time.



If you google image "Channing Tatum's ass, Magic Mike "
You will get images, but they just don't do him justic,
 just rent the 'frakin movie



Second, have you seen “Magic Mike” yet? Why not?!?! It’s actually got a decent plot, but more importantly you get to see Channing Tatum’s ass.

A lot.

Naked.

And his ass is epic…songs should be written about it.

I do recommend however you don’t watch the movie with your husband, boyfriend, SO or whatever. Guys have body issues too and between Channing Tatum’s ass, the rest of his body and his dance moves there’s just no competing.

Watch it with your girlfriends, over sushi and chocolate cake, that’s what I did.

Bruce Willis?...More like Wile E Coyote

I met with the Technical Traffic blah, blah, blah, today. He still doesn’t have the full coroner’s report but he did let me see one photo of the vehicle after the accident. It was a front shot of the vehicle; it was a Chevy Equinox, basically a SUV/crossover. In the b&w photo it looked like a Honda Accord that looked like it had been in a bad (but not fatal) accident. C went with me and suggested afterwards that that photo was chosen specifically to minimize some of the more horrific aspects of how badly the car was damaged. I also suspect it was chosen because either one of the side shots could have shown blood depending on which side HE was removed from. You couldn’t really tell how very badly the front end was caved in since there was no perspective. ‘Tho CMJ did mention that there was some “intrusion”, basically the engine etc ending up in the front seat. Before seeing the photo he filled us in on some other technical details involving the black box (located in the same compartment that the airbag’s in) and the data it recorded. It was actually pretty interesting despite the fact that we were talking about the last 10 seconds of HIS life. And that’s CMJ’s (unofficial) conclusion, it happened fast, HE was unaware of what was happening and it was over quick. That makes me feel better, thankful even.

I’m also thankful for CMJ; he’s great at his job, really, really great, especially at handling me and somehow making these meetings a lot less of an ordeal.

So how am I doing? I’m ok…infact I think I’m doing too ok? I wanted to see the photo to help jar the little bit of denial I have loose. Problem is the vehicle in the photo looked nothing like what HE had driven to work that morning, so I’m not really sure it worked. Or maybe I’m in shock and it’ll sink in gradually? I guess time will tell…I hate time.

I’m also really grateful again for my friendship with C. She drove me to the appointment, sat with me during it, reassured CMJ that I was doing ok in general, laughed with me a bit, didn’t pat my hand or anything when I did cry, had the good sense to leave me alone for 10 minutes so I could cry some more, returned with some chocolate covered jujubes, then took me to lunch. I hope to be like her one day.

During the meeting we also talked briefly about Bruce Willis, he is the lead investigator for the accident seeing as he was the first officer on scene. And again, I respect the job he and others do and am thankful for him and others being there and trying to help my husband.

That being said, CMJ confirmed as well as having a big heart Bruce is also a bit off a goofball.

Apparently there was an incident involving Bruce’s cruiser getting stuck on train tracks and trains having to be stopped while the cruiser was rescued.

That’s all CMJ told us at first, and I’m sorry, but having met the guy, that’s just funny and totally believable. But the whole story goes right into Wile E Coyote territory.

So how does an officer of the law get his cruiser stuck on train tracks?

Well, they receive a call about a stolen ATV and that it headed down a certain rail route. After getting the cruiser stuck while driving on the tracks Bruce carried on by foot and eventually met up with a driver of another ATV who offered him a lift. For whatever reason Bruce ended up driving the ATV…Ended up driving the ATV over a cliff.

Both he and his passenger were injured, but not badly and now had to walk back to the cruiser, which was still stuck on active train tracks. Trains were stopped...in their tracks…and I guess much paperwork had to be done after the cruiser was rescued.

It wouldn’t surprise me at all if the ATV had an ACME logo on the gas tank and the bottom of the cliff hosted cactuses.

One down, 3 to go

I did the Zombie Race today http://thezombierace.ca/  My first race ever that I did last year, and that HE was at to cheer me on. I cried a little bit on the way there and a bit on the way back but mostly it was ok, I’m glad I did it  They held it at a different location than last year which probably helped a lot, no visions of HIM waiting for me at the same finish line. ‘Tho after the race it was a really fucked up feeling of having those “happy endorphins” after a workout and being sad. My body felt great, my mind, not so much.

The actual race was good ‘tho, despite the fact it rained the entire time. When I’m running I’m too busy thinking about how my breathing’s doing (and my legs, knee joints and hips) to think much about HIM or my life, never mind when I’m dealing with mud, obstacles, hills and zombies.

BTW the key to running a zombie race is when you hit a pack of zombies, try to run behind a group of other runners, let them blaze trail/ distract the zombies and skate through behind them.

Despite doing exactly that I still lost all my “lives” (3 flags a la “flag football") but ended up running the race running with 3 college students (aka hot young guys) where I played sacrificial lamb to distract the zombies and blaze trail so they could make it through with at least one life intact.

Big THANKS to C for getting me on track, literally, without her I wouldn’t have the stamina or confidence to do this kind of thing.

Also big THANKS to P for her “good luck” phone call this morning before the race.

So that’s 1

Since it’s after midnight, today’s our wedding anniversary, 17 years, almost.

I’m trying not to will this into a bad day. Basically trying not to attach too much importance to it and make it a bad day, but still…I don’t have the day off either, I’m working lunch, then have a meeting at the barn + riding, then a brief stop-over at the P family’s, then over to K’s to watch the “Walking Dead”. I’ve tried to keep myself busy, but I’ve also warned everybody that it might be a very bad day for me.

We were always pretty low key about celebrating, dinner at home, either a beef or pork roast or our favorite Indian take out with “traditional presents” exchanged. This year, well, I got my Vince Camuto boots…traditional retail therapy for a widow I guess.

I’m ok right now, I’m just really hoping that I don’t wake up tomorrow and have it hit me like a ton of bricks.

That’s 2

Next Friday I have a meeting with the “Technical Traffic Collision Investigator”. The full coroner’s report hasn’t been released yet but he’s put in a request (since it’s taken so fucking long in his opinion) to have it released. It’ll contain no big surprises; HE died due to blunt force trauma to the head and body, that’s what happens in a fatal car accident. But I still need to read it.

More importantly, Constable MJ has agreed to let me see 1 or 2 carefully chosen photos of our SUV after the crash. If you remember from a long ago post I wanted to see the SUV itself but he strongly warned me against it, so I didn’t. But I do want to see a photo of the SUV, and I know it sounds insane and asking for trouble….BUT what you all need to understand is that both HE and the SUV were there one day, perfectly fine, then gone the next. Disappeared.  I kissed my husband goodnight one night and 6 days later had ashes in a urn, the SUV, small bits of plastic and metal beside the road. It’s still hard for me to accept that HE’s not coming home. I’m hoping that a photo of the wreck will help with that.

Constable MJ sort of understands, he says its part of “closure”, but to his credit I know he’d prefer for me not to want see the photos. And trust me, I’ve tried really, really hard to dismiss the idea of seeing the photos, I know there are some things you can’t “unsee”, but I can’t, I just can’t.

That’s 3

And I think that's enough for one week.

Fight Club

One of the cooks at work quit last Friday. I wasn’t working but apparently it happened after a blazing fight with one of the owners, who’s also the cook’s sister. It was so loud that customers in the main dinning room could hear them. The fight happened in Chinese so nobody knows exactly what it was about, except those who speak Chinese and they ain’t talking about it. This follows us losing another cook just last month so we only have two experienced ones plus a newbie they’re training. So Y, the owner/sister is spending more time in the kitchen helping and less time on the floor which means any shift that usually has 1 waitress now has two, any shift that usually has 2 now has 3. I’m now working 6 days a week.

My schedule was a bit tight before, now it’s down right hectic and things are starting to fall through the cracks. (Like practicing tap which I sorely need!)

This also means more quality time with z’bitch that, after getting a talkin’ to is being pleasant for the most part.

I have managed to nock some things off the list I posted last week, I feel good about that, particularly getting my ticket booked to TX for X-Mas. Yep, it’ll be a guns and ammo Christmas for me! (The P family isn’t 100% sure their going back to Mexico for the holidays and I couldn’t afford to wait to see what they would do/risk being stuck here.)

I also have an appointment with a legit family doctor next month!!!

But I still need to get my ducks in a row as far as school goes, find out if the course I’m thinking of taking will actually be useful, register etc. And with the current situation at work that has me a bit stressed out. There’s only the 3 of us on the floor, my manager, z’bitch and I, going back to school would mean that, at best, I’d only be able to work part time hours; they’ll have to hire someone else. And I do still want to keep working there but there’s also the chance the owners will flat out fire me.

Moreover I’m worried about my manager. She’s already completely stressed out about things at work, but she also has a cruise booked in January (only her second vacation in 4 years) and I don’t want my plans to screw with that.

So I need to get on this schools thing ASAP so I can tell her ASAP and we can figure out a plan.

No rest for the widow.

Actually, on that note, I am sleeping a bit better, I’ve gotten 5 hours a few times! A friend suggested listening to a certain type of music (which I still haven’t checked out) but I’m playing music and it seems to be helping.

‘Tho I’m still having a re-occurring nightmare, I never bothered to mention it before because I just figured it would go away but ever few weeks I have it.

Basically I’m walking home from work at night, get to our front door and start to unlock it and hear a noise behind me. I turn and see a shadowy figure of a man standing there in a long trench coat with flowers in his hand. He’s got longish collar length hair but that’s about all I can make out.

(I should note our front porch is pretty dark, we don’t have an outside light and only get a little from the streetlight across the street.)

He doesn’t say anything but steps towards me to hand me the flowers, I take them and he grabs me around the neck and starts to choke me. I can’t breath, I can’t scream, things start to go dark and then I wake up.

Nice eh?

I can’t figure out what it means or how/if it relates to HIS death other than HE had a trench coat which I didn’t particularly like.

Anyhow, that’s the rundown for now.

Update on z’bitch

(See how I did that, I used the first letter of her name and how I feel about her and made it sound classy and European, aren’t I fucking witty!?!?!?)

So I talked to my manger and she’s going to talk to z’bitch during their next shift together, Wednesday, and see what her damage is and give her a warning about losing shifts. Problem is, my manager is a bit of a marshmallow, so she’ll probably soft peddle the whole thing when she actually talks to z’bitch.

But for now, she did kind of condone me grabbing her by the neck, slamming her into a wall and growling at her. That might be my back up plan.

State of the Union Address

(Normally I’d just call this “random updates” but all the political crap being posted on FB about the US is driving me a bit bat shit crazy)

I saw Craig with a K outside work again on Friday, stood outside futzing with his cell for a few minutes. On the upside he hasn’t darkened my door again.

I have indeed gained 10 pounds over the last little while, and it ain’t muscle Forrest. So I’m seriously getting serious about the gym and my health again. The gym is mandatory unless I’m having a really awful day. It does make me feel a bit better that C told me she’s gained weight too, I mean if the Goddess Divine of the gym and personal training can gain unwanted pounds then it’s reasonable I would too. (‘Tho in her case I don’t know where those pounds are hiding?...possibly her toes are enormously fat?)

So starting today I’m getting back on track, did the morning lower body class and ran 3k, also coming up with meal ideas, ‘tho I still hate the idea of cooking for one.

Dr Asshat still hasn’t gotten back to me with a referral and every time I’ve phoned the line is busy or nobody answer’s the phone, and they don’t have an answering machine. A friend mentioned she has the name of a GP accepting new patients so I’m following up with that.

For grief counseling I’m going to be phoning therapists directly, explain my situation (incl. Dr Asshat) and seeing how we can work it from that end.

Oh, and I still haven’t tried the sleeping pills.

I’m also back to making lists. I had stopped for awhile thinking I didn’t really need them, but I do. And I’m not talking grocery lists, I’ve always needed them, I’m talking about what I need to get done lists. They keep me going forward instead of just drifting, the difference between being active and pro-active with my new life.

The list this week:

-         Figure out grief therapy

-         Book plane ticket out of here for Christmas

-         Follow up on GP referral

-         Get old dressers and bookcases out of here

-         Phone HIS Mom back. (She left a depressing message last week and I just couldn’t deal with it, and still don’t want to.)

-         Seriously start looking into going back to school.

-         Talk to R (friend and accountant) and figure out a game plan for contacting Revenue Canada. I’m a big fan of “letting sleeping dogs lie” but I haven’t heard SFA from them since R got our tax stuff done and I want to get that sorted out.

The above is along with every day stuff, work, ride, gym, tap, and the general idea that I should do some house cleaning. Plus spending time with friends that I feel I’ve been missing either via e-mail or face to face.

‘Tho all the above will have to wait until tomorrow. I’m working a split today with my idiot co-worker who’s morphed into a miserable, sour bitch. I’ve seen it before but now that I’m regularly working 2 shifts with her a week (without our manager around) she’s just become miserable towards me. I can’t figure out if she’s just really good at faking happy/polite with costumers/kitchen staff and can’t be to do so with me or if she’s intentionally being a bitch to me. Either way, that shit needs to stop. If HE where still alive I’d blow it off or figure out how to manager her, or just be a bitch right back, but I honestly don’t have it in me right now.

So, feeling slightly like a 12 year old running to mommy to tattle, I’ll be talking to my manager about it. I did talk to her about it a bit awhile ago but all she did was talk to both of us about how we’re co-workers and need to at least be polite to each other, since then things have escalated and I’m pretty much fed up. What I really want to do is grab her around the neck, throw her against the wall and growl at her to knock it the fuck off.

 I honestly hate that she’s able to upset me, ‘tho I guess I upset pretty easy these days. What’s worse is I’ve got enough to deal with, I don’t need the dread of “fuck, I’m working with her today” first thing in the morning. I mean I’m waitressing for Christ’s sakes; it’s not like a high-pressure, competitive job where the pay cheque’s big enough to make up for toxic co-workers.

Demolition Derby...where's the Fonz when you need him?

Christ, if Thanksgiving’s any indication Christmas is going to be a bitch. Quell surprise, n’est pas?

It’s not even so much “Thanksgiving”; it’s the damn fall fair in town. Seven days of horse shows, concerts, demolition derbies, monster trucks, tractor pulls, mid-way rides and all the junk you can eat. I volunteer for the horse show, have for the past 5 years and working the hunter/jumper show that's part of the fair was fine, great in fact. I work the in-gate and it keeps me very busy, basically I make sure competitors get into the ring in some semblance of order and let the judge know who’s about to jump the course. It sounds way easier than it is, it’s herding cats but the cats weight 1200 pounds and may or may not be ridden by a diva and may or may not be accompanied by a horse show Mom or coach who eat “Dance Moms” for breakfast.

Anyhow, volunteering at the fair keeps me too busy to dwell and was something I always did totally unrelated to HIM.

The Wednesday night demolition derby is a different story. HE’d get off work early and we’d go together. Picnic in the stands with foot long corn dogs, ribs and mini donuts. I made the mistake of staying at the fair that night with the intention of watching it this year. I lasted about 5 minutes then left. Mostly it was HE wasn’t there with me, but also, having your husband die in a violent car accident isn’t indicative of enjoying people intentionally crash cars into each other. A smarter person probably would have thought of this beforehand...not me.

I used to love demolition derbies; I guess that’s over too.

We’d also pop over to the fair randomly when I had time off work, it’s within walking distance of our house, so we’d go on some rides, wander around, watch whatever other horse show was happening, eat junk.

I did go back last night with a friend, it was fun, we wandered around, ate junk, but hearing the noise of the tractor pull going on tonight just made me really emotional.

(A tractor pull made me emotional…Jesus Christ I’m really losing it.)

So October’s just going to be a bad month. I’m also staring down the throat of our 17^th wedding anniversary at the end of this month. Then I get a month “off” before December, but who are we kidding, a few stores already have started putting Christmas stuff out. Who the hell makes these descisions at Wal Mart anyhow?!?!?

Tomorrow I’m doing dinner with friends, before that, riding at the barn; it’s also the last day of fair so hopefully I’ll be a bit brighter once it packs up.

BTW I was PMSing last week, but I don’t think that has anything to do with how I’m feeling now and I’m still pretty irate about everything I was bitching about last week.

Oh fuck, and I gotta mention this: Both mornings of the hunter/jumper show I went to Tim Horton’s to pick up coffees (at 7:30 in the morning) and guess who was there, yep, Craig with a K. Thing is, seeing him there felt legit, we just both happened to be at the nearest Timmies to our homes getting coffees at the same time, which made his work walk bys feel all the more creepy. I gave him a non-enthusiastic “’morning” and kept going.

That seems to be my new mantra, just “keep going”. At some point I hope I’ll figure out where.

Kreep Show

I’m seriously creeped out right now.

I had an unwelcome visitor, we’ll call him “Craig with a K” (CK for short), because that’s his name (and how he spells it) and I don’t give a rats ass about protecting his privacy.

About a year ago I met CK through an acquaintance; he’s in his late twenties, an artist and graduated from the same college as HE did. I thought HE and CK would get along well and we all hung out a few times. CK was a bit more of an artistic “personality” than HE was, or that I was able to appreciate. At one point CK told us about a piece he had started working on but then had a dream about it and I can’t really the remember the rest but the short story was somthing along the lines of if he changed the piece to like it was in the dream the rest of his dream would start to come true…or something like that. I’m not sure if he told us the whole thing because he believed it or because he thought it would make him seem more artistic.

Anyhow the last time I saw him, he had just dropped by and we all ended up watching a movie. HE went to bed early because of work the next day, he wasn’t even out of the bathroom when CK started hitting on me…at least it seemed like he was hitting on me, looking at me and raising his eyebrows with this kind of “so ya wanna” smile on his face. Multiple times. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t mis-reading it.

I played completely dumb and thank god the movie ended shortly after. Here’s your hat, what’s your hurry.

I told HIM about it, HE laughed because honestly who does that?!?!?

We never heard from CK again…until last month when he called up and asked how we were doing. Thing is, I got the feeling that he knew HE was dead, just a gut feeling. Plus, usually when I tell people there’s a big ugly pregnant pause while people process what I’ve just said. CK didn’t really miss a bit saying he was shocked or whatever. CK asked if I was working I told him I was still at the restaurant and he asked which one? Again, this didn’t ring true, I’m pretty damn sure remembers which one. Then he suggested we get together for a beer or coffee to talk…yeah, sure buddy…I told him to call me in a 2 or 3 months figuring that would put him right off.

Except, in the last month I’ve seen him walk by the restaurant 4 times. In the last 9 or 10 months I haven’t seen hide noir hair of him on the streets, but he just happens to be passing by my work 4 times in the last month?

And guess who was on my doorstep tonight? Yep, Craig with a K.

I had the main door open but the screen door latched, and there he is standing on my porch.

He tried the door, I said it was a bad time and I was busy.

He asked how I was doing, I shrugged my shoulders and said “coping”.

HE said I look different, I said I was only getting about 4 hours of sleep at night.

He said “no, you look great”, I said a few people have mentioned that and I just don’t get it. (A few people have and I don’t).

He asked if I had 5 minutes, I said, again, right now’s a really bad time.

He looked at me kinda crestfallen, I shrugged my shoulders and said I was sorry, that it just really wasn’t a good time, then walked away from the door.

And I’m seriously creeped out right now.

It all seems pretty harmless, it reads like it’s harmless… but after seeing him walk by work the 3^rd time I was feeling a bit weird about it, the 4^th I was just uncomfortable about it and now tonight he’s on my doorstep and have this overall gut creep feeling.

If he shows up again I guess I’ll just bluntly ask what he wants and go from there in getting rid of him…I mean I don’t have time for this bullshit, I feel like I don’t have enough time for my friends, why do I have to waste time on this fuckwit?!?! Frankly I want to be writing a reply to an e-mail a great friend sent me tonight, but nooooo, I have to vent about Craig with a K because I’m feeling creeped out about him.

I better be PMSing because this shit’s really not funny.

Dr Feelgood

I have no reason to be feeling as down and morose as I have today but I’m really struggling today. I think I’m PMSing? (On top of everything else.)

I had a great weekend, my monthly weekend off from work. Shopping with C on Saturday, Sunday I did the “Run for the Cure” (jogged the whole thing except a brief walk at a water station) yeah for me. Then dinner with the P family where I taught Mrs P how to make a big ass-lasagna that got high marks from the rest of the family. Great weekend!

Tomorrow I have off. C and I will do our weekly sushi lunch, then go the fairgrounds to help set up for the 2 day hunter/jumper show that’s part of the huge horse show that runs the entire 6 days of the fair. Wed and Thurs the horse show. It’ll be great! Lots to look forward to!

But I’m honestly about 5 minutes away from tears, and have been the whole day. And I’ve been noticing that it’s harder for me to be at home lately.

I’m starting to wonder if those people who came up with the stages of grieving do know what their talking about. I’m wondering if I’ve been sort of in “denial” for the last few months? I mean, I’ve talked about how it’s obvious that HE’s dead, ashes right over there, blah, blah, blah. But I’ve also talked about how there’s still a part of me that thinks he’ll come home, and now I’m wondering if that part of me was bigger than I thought and reality’s starting to set in?

I don’t know.

I do know it’s very hard for me to sit in the living room at night and watch something. Either I get up and end up doing something else or I end up in tears because something’s reminded me of HIM or that HE’s not there with me or that HE will never be with me again.

There’s still a few areas in the house that need to be sorted out, a closet or two, and I have no motivation to get that off the list. Infact I’ve stopped making “to do” lists entirely; I need to get back to that.

Ditto with the barn, but frankly I’m just getting comfortable going there, seeing the horses and riding, I think sorting through stuff there might be a spring project.

Overall, I’m more emotional than I was a month ago, not just today, in general.

I don’t like it.

There’s still the sleep issue too.

I have the Sublinox, but I’m afraid to take it.

I’ll get to the side effects in a minute but my first worry was that I’ve never taken something like this before, what if I have a medical reaction to it? I live alone…

The possible physical side affects are a laundry list of cold and flue symptoms, abdominal pain, diarrhea, dizziness , drowsiness, dry mouth , fatigue, headache, heartburn , hiccups, loss of appetite, nausea and weakness…hiccups?!

Then there’s the “Mental and Behavioral Changes” it reads as follows:

“A variety of abnormal thinking and behavior changes may occur when you use prescribed sleeping pills. Some of these changes include aggressiveness and extroversion which seem out of character. Other changes, although rare, can be more unusual and extreme. These include confusion, strange behavior, restlessness, irritability, illusions, nightmares, hallucinations, feeling like you are not yourself and feeling more depressed, which may lead to suicidal thinking.”

“Suicidal thinking” and I’ve now got enough pills to carry it out. Fucking wonderful.

And for the record I have NOT had any ideas about suicide, but I am sad, (gross understatement) and probably depressed, so how far down the road is it exactly to suicidal thoughts, and how far down that road will these pills take me?

Then I found this little gem on a Health Canada advisory website: “Sublinox™ is a sublingual formulation of zolpidem that was recently authorised for use in adults in Canada. Sublinox™ (zolpidem tartrate) is indicated for the short-term treatment and symptomatic relief of insomnia characterized by difficulty in falling asleep, frequent nocturnal awakenings and/or early morning awakenings. On the international market, zolpidem has been reported in association with cases of complex sleep behaviours, where people rise from bed while not fully awake and engage unknowingly in activities which they do not remember doing the following morning, such as driving a car, leaving the house, eating food and making phone calls. Complex sleep behaviours are rare but potentially dangerous.”

Great, I already have a history of talking in my sleep, and again, I live alone now.

And I get that they have to write all this stuff out for the same reasons Tim Hortons now has to have a warning about how coffee is hot on their cups, better safe than sorry when it comes to liability…but still…there is nothing I’ve read that makes me comfortable with the idea of taking these pills. Especially since they were prescribes by a doctor who never even talked to me on the phone?!? (BTW that particular ass-hat has a rep in the area for being the local Dr Feelgood, at least as far as writing ‘scripts for his clients go.)

My one and only idea is to stay overnight at C’s the first night I take one, frankly, it’s the only way I’ll be taking one. ‘Tho it’ll have to be on a day I don’t have anything planned for the next morning, which would have been tonight but it’s after 11pm. So, maybe next week, I’ll let you know.

Also, Dr Asshat hasn’t gotten back to me with a referral, which is the main reason I went to see him! Since the appointment I’ve asked a few people if their family doctor’s accepting new patients. Friends at the gym, the barn, my favorite bank teller. The women in line behind me at the bank thought her doctor might be accepting new patients; I’ve got his info and have to follow up.

On top of everything else I’ve been feeling fat and bloated so I got on the stupid scale at the gym and according to it I’ve somehow I’ve managed to gain 10 pounds in less than 3 weeks?! Is that even possible?!?! Ok, granted I have had a few chocolate covered jujube binges, and some steak, but for the most part I've really been getting back on track with eatting well, bringing food to work, eatting more veggies, fruit. So WTF?!?!

I better be PMSing because none of this shit is funny.

...ok, and I have no idea why that one section of text above is in black. I've tried fixing it but it won't work and frankly I don't care that much right now. If I care more tomorrow I'll try fixing it again but for now that's as good as I got.