The Lows and Highs of February

So…long time no talk, how’s it going?

I’ve been busy, and frankly damn tired of complaining about my stress, but someone pointed out to me that I haven’t posted since the 6^th and was worried I had run off and joined the circus. (And if I did, could I get her tickets?)

Since I’ve posted I’ve had 2 doctor’s appointments and been diagnosed with low blood pressure and OCD. How do you like them apples?

My new medical doctor, MG, took my blood pressure, 91 over 54, low, not critically low but something to keep an eye on. With the amount of stress I’ve been under it should be high, WTF?!? The next day at work I had JM take my blood pressure, she showed me how on herself first. According to the results she was clinically dead, as was I when she took mine….Our other co-worker came into work and correctly took mine, it was still low but at least I wasn’t dead.

I talked to Dr M about the questionnaire, how it didn’t qualify if a feeling or condition was pre-existing or not and he explained it was just a “snapshot” of how I was feeling at the time I was filling it out.

And at the time I was filling it out I met 8 out of the 10 criteria for being OCD…if that’s true why the fuck isn’t my house cleaner?!?!?

I do get it, I can’t control who lives or dies so I’m going to control the hell out of the rest of my life…. (But apparently not the state of my house.) I was surprised by it ‘tho, I don’t feel I’ve been obsessive compulsive about anything, apparently saying I “moderately” over eat is one of the indicators. (I’m aware I’ve been snacking too much at night, I figured it was out of boredom). And yeah, I was checking and re-checking the math on my homework, but that’s because I know I’m bad at math and didn’t want to tank just because I hit the wrong button on the calculator.

I talked to my mom, she thinks its “situational” OCD, I agree. My Dad’s now calling it “obsessive cleaning disease”, because he’s witty and well aware that I was never going to cut it as a stepford wife.

I did have a moment today where I thought “Whoa! OCD, is that you?!” I was putting away my nail polish…ok, I’ll give a minute to pick yourself up off the floor…yes, I’ve started painting my nails…hey, it’s better than eating peanut butter out of the jar all night, and like snacking it gives me something mindless to do. I can’t dwell on what we’d be doing if HE lived while putting on nail polish, or worry about the stresses I have. Like the bad TLC shows, its junk food for my brain. (Have you tried painting your right hand with your left hand when you’re right handed? It’s hard!) So anyways, I was putting away my nail polish and was trying to figure out if I should organize them in the cabinet by shade or brand…yeah, I could be a little OCD.

(BTW by brand won out).

Dr M and I also talked about my current stresses. Even after dropping the on line course I was dreading the start of my in-class one. Just flat-out dread, and couldn’t figure out how I’d fit anything else in between it, the homework and work. He said something along the lines of “is this a career your interested in?” the answer being no, and he gave me a particular look that conveyed I might be an idiot and asked “why are you adding stress to your life for something your not interested in?” I explained that I needed to develop a career and that money and the need to support myself was a big issue now, blah, blah, blah. I won’t get into the whole thing but he had a good point. Why am I adding stress to my life for something I’m not interested in as a career? I still don’t know if the office job is going to turn out to be permanent (something that drives me bat-shit crazy) and if it does end in a few months it’s not like one course completed in the “bookkeeping” certificate is going to lead to a job.

I talked to a few friends about it and it was kinda like when you break up with a guy and afterwards all your friends tell you they couldn’t stand him. All my friends said something along the lines of “well, I was wondering why you choose that particular course, it didn’t seem to be you”…why the hell couldn’t you guys have mentioned this earlier?!

Adding fuel to the fire was running into a friend who’s daughter had taken the same course curriculum, passed with good marks, and couldn’t find a job…she’s now back in school taking courses that will hopefully land her a job as a medical office assistant…the job I’m doing without having to go to school.

Talked to my parents, they re-iterated they didn’t think I was a quitter for no good reason, and mentioned that the school idea was made before the office job, and that I’m still in shock over HIS death.

So, I dropped that course too and feel a whole lot better for it….other than the regret that I put myself through so much stress about something I ultimately canned. My Dad called it a “learning experience”, which is just short of saying “character building”, and I think I’ve done enough of that since June, n’est pas?

So, up this week, figuring out how to fit the gym in and here’s the bad news, it’s going to have to be in the morning…early morning, so early it’s still almost night.

Going to the gym after work isn’t/hasn’t worked out, I have to go to the farm and feed and when I get home after 6 I need to eat and I’m after that it’s game over. So, early in the morning it is, up at 5am to get to the gym at 6, done just after 7 and get home with enough time to get ready for work at 8:30. At least that’s the game plan….

And the need to find time to get back riding has been taken out of my hands by the weather. First it was too cold, now the footing is total crap and borderline dangerous. We’ve had a few thaws and freezes which has created thick sheets of ice everywhere at the farm. Our horses live outdoors 24/7 (with a shelter, trust me they do fine) and getting them the 75 meters from paddock to barn/indoor arena would be dicey at best, I’ve almost landed on my ass or face a few times and I don’t like the idea of it happening to a 1500 lb+ animal.

On the upside, because of the weather I did go downhill skiing last week. My parents used to take me on ski trips most winters but HE had no interest and we had horses, I didn’t really miss it. Then last week I went with friends and wow! For not having skied in over 20 years I did good (take into consideration it was a small hill), hadn’t forgotten any of my chops and has an absolute blast!

So there you go, that’s what I’ve been up to, no circus, or at least not one under a big top.

(And I will try and post more often, if only to save everyone from mammoth posts like this again.)

I'm a drop-out!



Finally Frenchy and I have something in common!



So I’m dropping the online course, I tanked the homework. The assignment I did hit 75% on, problem is the ones I got wrong where the technical equations and I know the course is going to be dominated by them from here on in. The amount of work I’ve put into this course is not being reflected in my marks. I’m not great at math and I’m handing in the work thinking that I have a clear understanding of the equations and what equations I need to use. And I’m checking the actuall math over 4 times by the time I submit. The math is correct but I’m mis-reading how to handle the equations and/or what equations I’m to use. The upside is my CPP calculations were bang on.

So I’m going to drop the class. And part of me feels like a quitter, despite what my parents, J and C have said. Part of me thinks if I put in more time and study harder I can hack it…but most of me knows I’ll probably just turn myself bat shit crazy.

I hope my in-class course goes better….I kinda want to drop that one too, mainly based on how badly this “going back to school” thing is going so far. We’ll see.

Something that’s also tweeking me out about the online course is that I e-mailed my proff this past Monday to ask when he was going to grade the assignment. He replied back that he usually took about 2 weeks to grade assignments, but he hadn’t received them all yet….WTF?!... The assignment was due last Wednesday, he gave me an extension (because of the whole CPP/rounding up clusterfuck) until Thursday, then later gave the entire class until Friday. But he was still waiting for assignments?!?! Silly me, I didn’t realize due dates were optional.

(Just in case your wondering I explained my situation and he e-mailed me the solutions and I graded myself).

So, less stress, yes? Yes. I’m still working on a schedual that includes 2 jobs, 1 class, the gym and horses, actually riding them even. I’d like to spend time with friends too. We’ll see how it works out.

Wish me luck!

36%

That’s how much shorter a widow’s life span is compared to a (relatively happily) married women.

It’s just an average but it’s a statistical fact. (For widowers it’s 40%)

This fun fact was brought to you by Dr M, my grief counselor.

It was on a white board in his office along with a bunch of stuff about the benefits of marriage, vs divorce. I guess a client in a session before me has some issues either about getting married or staying married. (I can’t remember what the lifespan stats where for divorced men/women.)

And so kicked off a really crappy afternoon/evening.

And I’m really getting tired of blog bitching about my bad days, there seem to be too many of them lately. Part of the reason I am blogging is to vent the ickyness out, but it just seems lately the things I have to do that I expect to be hard have become a flat out way worse than I think they could possibly have to be.

Dr M has the ability to ask exactly the right question with exactly the right look of understanding and compassion to bring me to tears, so grief counseling = tears.

..In front of a man I just met. And I don’t care that this is his job, and he’s certified up the wazoo, it’s still awkward, which I told him. (He validated that it was awkward for me…not much help there). So, tears in the afternoon.

After I got home I downloaded the solutions to last week’s homework assignment, something I was feeling pretty confident about. I felt I had an understanding of both the equations needed to answer the questions and had triple checked the actual math.

…I got 2 out of the 6 questions right.

More tears.



An oldy but a goody, and one that
applies to me right now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ALRLZQf42s



All but one of my wrong answer’s where off by 1 cent… 1 FUCKING CENT?!?!?!?!?!

Apparently Professor Asshat didn’t have complete instructions (in my opinion) for the equation for calculating CPP contributions on a pay cheque. I won’t go into the whole thing but basically There are 3 steps to doing the equation, in his notes after step 1 he wrote that you do not round up this number. And that’s the only mention of rounding up anywhere in his notes, regarding CPP or anything else.

Turns out you should round up, to the nearest cent, if applicable after step 3 of the CPP calculation, this is not mentioned in his notes.

So, you get the CPP contribution wrong (by 1 fucking cent) then you get the total deductions from a gross pay wrong (by 1 fucking cent), ergo you get the calculation for net pay wrong…by 1 fucking cent.

The only up-side to this is we’re not actually graded on our homework, (but we do get 3% added to our grade if we submit all the homework completed, which I’ve been doing).

The huge downside was that our first assignment (which is graded) was due the next day and I needed confirmation that you did need to round up where I thought he was indicating in his solutions. So I sent an e-mail and waited.

While I was waiting I went to the barn to feed the horses, on the drive home I hit a raccoon. I just saw him out of the corner of my eye, running towards Oliver, had time to register it was a raccoon, and then I felt him under my back wheels.

Pulled over to the side of the road and bawled for 15 minutes. Flat out BAWLED, the ugly crying.

Check for an answer to my e-mail when I get home, nothing. Fuck this noise; I’m done for the night. Zoned out watching bad TLC shows, hated myself a little.

The next day I do get a short reply from Prof Asshat stating “You do not round up for CPP calculations, for all others please do”.

?!?!?!?!?

But he clearly DID round up on the final step of the CPP calculations, and for all others, how far do we round up?!?!?!?

I sent a much longer e-mail, with an example of that week’s homework and asked for clarification….under the gun because the first assignment was due that day. Go to work. Stress.

Get home, still no answer. Decided fuck it; send in the assignment with what I think is the correct answers, rounded up where applicable.

Later that night I get confirmation from him that you DO round up in the final CPP contribution, and you should round up to the nearest cent (where applicable) for it and any other calculations…….

….what’s even more worrisome is in this week’s notes he’s used the term “net pay” in a calculation when he should have used “gross pay”.

…I hate on-line learning. IT IS JUST NOT WORKING FOR ME.

And I haven’t had time to ride or go to the gym this week at all. Never mind spend time with friends...or even breath normally…And on the 14^th I go full-time at the office while one of the girls takes her 2 month vacation to Florida, and my in-class course starts on the 25^th of Feb. The thought stresses me out to the point I want to throw up. And I’m back to not sleeping well at night.

I have never had a panic attack, but I’m pretty sure I know what the precursor is. 

My life is out of balance, drastically.

So, here’s the deal, I’m dropping one of my college classes. If I don’t get at least 75% on my assignment and this week’s (self-graded) homework assignment I’m canning this on-line payroll admin course. If I appear to now have a handle on it I’ll can in the in-class course.

Also adding to my work week was an online “Mental Heath Assessment” from Dr M’s office. Fifty-odd questions that run the gamut from “Do you hear voices that others do not hear?” to “Do you suffer from muscle soreness?”

You have to choose answers that range between “not at all”, “somewhat”, “moderately”, “often” to “extremely”.

My problem is I don’t know how to answer some of the questions, and you have to answer all of the questions to submit the survey.  

And no, I don’t hear voices that others don’t hear, and yes, I do suffer from muscle soreness, but that’s because of the gym.

And that’s part of the problem; you can’t add comments to your answers. 

There were questions like “Do you have urges to strike or hurt people?”…well, yes, I’ve wanted to throttle z’bitch, but I’ve wanted to do that since before HE died. “Do you have opinions and beliefs that are different from other people?”…well, yes?! Put me in a room with 10 other women of equal social/economic situations and I’m sure there’s something I’ll disagree with all of them about…that’s just life, isn’t it?

Yes, I “have urges to break things”… “Moderately”. I’ve always liked the idea of destroying things (plates, using my chainsaw etc) in the same way I get satisfaction out of hammering nails and using noisy tools to build things. I’m not sure what that says about me? Maybe it’s the noise level rather than the actual act?

So clearly Dr M and I need to talk about his online quiz.

I talked to M about it last night, about how some of my “issues” in the quiz pre-dated HIM dying. She thought it was great I was getting free therapy for pre-existing conditions! God she’s smart!

So as well as figuring out my “grief issues” maybe we’ll get some of my other weirdness worked out as well…

Three bright spots in this clusterfuck.

1)      During this P drover down for a less-than 24 hour visit. The excuse was to drop off a saddle my other friend M is interested in buying. We ate sushi, watched “Perfect Pitch” (seriously fun movie) and gabbed face to face. It was awesome.

2)      JO phoned, from Mexico. He said misses me. I told him I miss him, because I do.

3)      I e-mailed my parents to let them know what was going in with my 2 out of 6 online class and that I was feeling overwhelmed and very stressed….especially about my upcoming schedule.  Mom phoned later that night. She reminded me that the idea of going back to school happened before I got the office job and that they where both wondering how I was going to cope? Better, she agreed that dropping one of my courses was a good idea and that her and Dad don’t think I’m a quitter…My parents aren’t verbally or demonstrably affectionate people, I know they love me, but I’ve only ever heard it from my parents a few times in my life. To hear my Mom say her and dad don’t think I’m a quitter is a HUGE thing to me.

The end note is that I’m feeling better about the next few months since I’ve decided to drop one of my night courses. BUT I still need to come up with a game plan to fit in full-time at the office, weekends at the restaurant, gym, horses and friends.

But hey, the guy who kisses me on the wrist phoned me long distance to see how I was doing. That’s worth a little bit of a “happy place” right?

Done!

Big thanks to “the girls that Matter” and especially C for their input on the wording on the cards. I walked into C’s office to ask her opinion and 10 minutes later she had the cards ordered through Vistaprint, 2 days later they were in my hands.

So far the only flaw with these cards is they do not avoid awkward phone moments. I guess I'll have to live with that.

Scarlet Letter

I want one.

Not an “A” a “W”, maybe not in scarlet, maybe a dark burgundy.

I’m at the point now where I can calmly tell people my husband died without bursting into tears or anything more than taking a deep breath before and after. However other people’s reactions remain the same, awkward shocked pause then they’re best at condolences. I’ve even prefaced telling people with “This is going to be awkward for both of us, so here we go….” But it is still very awkward for both of us. Especially if the person I’m talking to knew HIM.

What’s even worse is if some well meaning soul who doesn’t know tries to tell me to “cheer up” or equivalent when I’m having a rotten day. Worse is when they are adamant that I can change my attitude and therefore turn my rotten day into a good day. I ran into one of those at the gym during the whole nun/grief counseling/school clusterfuck.

And he wasn’t exactly wrong. If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed it is possible to talk yourself into having a good day/better attitude, but my problems run a bit deeper than that. I think I’m allowed/expected to have completely rotten days, whether I want them or not, but no, some well-meaning jack-ass has to assume I can just slap on a smile, think about unicorns, puppies and spring flowers and my day will magically turn around.

It happened with another gym member, in front of C who tried to warn him off but he persisted in the “turn that frown upside down” mentality…worse he’s studying to be a priest or something. So I hit the point where enough was enough, time to bitch slap him with how this is not just a bad day, “My husband dies last June”…SCREEECH! As he slams on the breaks of happy, happy joy, joy and switches to condolences.

And the sucky thing is I shouldn’t have to do that to people who are just trying to be nice, even if they are annoying. I don’t want to do it, it’s unfair to me and the other person.

Which is why I think I should come with some kind of warning or hazard symbol.

Back in the day widows wore veils and/or dressed in black. I imagine it cut down on a lot of the bullshit. But in today’s world I’d be overdressed, confused as a “Goth” or, well, frankly a lot of people just wear black outfits. I like the idea of a veil but how does one pull that off while working out at the gym?

I think us widows should be issued some kind of badge or something, wearing it would be optional, but that way people would have some kind of warning that something had happened and could moderate themselves accordingly.

I have seen people wearing buttons or t-shirts with a photo of the deceased and RIP etc but I think it’s been mostly for children that have died and that’s a bit too in your face for me.

And I do get that women wearing a letter on your cloths had negative connotations thanks to Nathaniel Hawthorne  but a nice dark red “W” on a black background, worn optionally by those in mourning, for however long they wished, when they wished, would really cut down on awkward, painful or inappropriate moments.

…I just re-read that last paragraph and I’m sure that’s along the lines of how the yellow star was introduced by Hitler….

…ok, scrap that… You guys do get what I’m trying to say ‘tho right? A veil gave people a head’s up that a women was in morning and some guidance in how to treat that person. They are going through a tough time, and for god’s sakes don’t hit on her!  

Maybe I should just have business cards made up:

I am a widow

My husband died June 2012

Please act appropriately

Tail Wagging the Dog

In the past week I’ve almost punched a nun (not kidding), been laid off, un-laid off (in the span of 6 hours), started school, seriously re-committed to the gym and painted one wall of my bedroom.

Needless to say the appointment with Dr E was a frustrating. I take off from work early and get to the office before my appointment time. Check in and wait. And wait. And wait.

45 minutes in I ask the nurse how far behind Dr. E’s running, an eye roll and “She’s been running an hour late since she started this morning” was the reply. Great.

Finally get into an exam room, and wait.

The good Doctor breezes in, habit flowing, sits down and asks “So, what are you here to see me about?”…?!?!?...

I explain she asked for me to come in to discuss paperwork that was sent to her to sign pertaining to me getting grief counseling.

“Where is this paperwork”…?!?!?!?...

I tell her it was sent to her last week by Dr M’s office, she goes to get it, comes back.

“So, what is this about”….?!?!?!?!?!?!?!.......

I re-iterate what the paperwork’s about, who sent it and that she needs to sign it.

She complains that the printing is too small, then asks me to explain what it says….

At which point I realize she hasn’t even looked at the fucking paperwork other than to realize it’s about me and get me to make on appointment.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?

I take a few breaths and run the whole “it details a treatment plan, the length and cost for me to receive grief counseling because my husband died, blah, blah, blah”.

She asked about 2 other totally stupid questions before I finally, in a calm as I could manner, tell her that if she had any questions about the paperwork she should have phoned the office that sent it to her as they could explain it far better than I could, which would also have saved me taking time off work.

Her response “Well, is this important to you?”.

At which point I wanted to strangle her with her rosary.

I actually counted out 3 deep breaths before I replied.

Finally she left to go phone Dr M’s office, but only after I told her she should 2 more times. I was glad to see her go because you guys just got the abriviated version of what was probobly a 15 minute tour de force of frustration.

Then I sat and waited for the nun’s return, and waited, and waited.

After about 15 minutes I tracked down the nurse and asked her if Dr E was coming back.

Her reply “No, she left for a funeral”….

….Oh, that’s just fucking perfect….

The nurse was more helpful than Dr E after I explained to her the whole story, frankly she was a bit horrified and I got the feeling not a big fan of Dr E. She said she’d get her to sign it ASAP.

A few days later Dr M’s office did confirm she sent it back signed.

Just because she’s a doctor and Jesus is her boyfriend doesn’t mean she has the common sense god gave a duck.

I’m now back to looking for a new family doctor. Third one’s a charm?

Work at the office is going well but one last Monday I was told it would be my last day until one of the other staff went on her annual trip to Florida in mid-February.

Ok, I know the job is temporary, but still, I was expecting a bit more notice. I need consistency in my life right now and frankly I was still in a mood over the nun. I have to admit I had a little bit of a meltdown at work with the other office “girls”– which I hate.

Six hours later everything was back to normal, meaning I was employed until further notice at the office.

BTW I do really like my job there. The other women I work with are nice and fun, I feel like I’m accomplishing something while I’m there and it doesn’t involve cleaning up sweet and sour sauce that some child, or an adult who eats like a child, has smeared all over the place.

Then there’s school. It’s only one on-line course right now, the in-class one doesn’t start until mid-Feb. So I’m taking “Payroll Administration”, sounds pretty harmless right? HA! A fair bit off its tax law and how it relates to paying people. Yep, tax law. And there’s math, I now know how to verify if a person’s SIN number is valid, it’s a math equation. Not quite cool enough to be a party trick but a bit more interesting than tax law.

And due to the fact my life was feeling pretty out of control for a few days I decided to paint one wall of my bedroom because a trashy women’s magazine told me it was a great way to spruce up a room. I can’t control what college courses get canceled, can’t control a nun, can’t control the whims of my office job employer but dammit I can control the environment I live in!!...

….’Course I originally choose Ribbon Dance” blue, painted half the wall, wasn’t really sure about it and had to convene a colour conference with the other office girls if I should stick with it or go for “Moonlight Dance”. Both choose the latter.

So now one of my walls is a nice mellow dark blue and I’m trying to figure out what to do with the rest of the “Ribbon Dance”.

So it’s been a pretty “interesting week”. I’m hoping next week my schedule will settle down I’m tired of my life running me and need to rein it in before I start painting more walls.

Oh, so THIS is 2013….

I’ve had a rocky 2 days and I’m hoping things smooth out or I will be running off and joining the Russian circus.

Yesterday morning I got a call from the college and one of my courses has been canceled due to lack of enrollment, and I was forewarned I’d probably be getting another call today saying me other class was canned too. I was supposed to start next week.

FML

So I looked at the course calendar, only 2 other courses for the “Bookkeeping” course are being offered this semester. One is only available online, the other they “strongly recommend” you take another course (not offered this semester) as a prerequisite. So not ideal and maybe this is a sign I should look at different courses?

While I was stressing about that I got a call from my grief counselor’s office, Dr. M’s office, they needed my nun doctor to sign the paperwork on my grief counseling before they sent it off to my insurance company. But the DR. E’s office couldn’t find my file and were questioning if I was a patient there and could I phone them and get it straightened out? Fine, phone them, they had found my file.

Still stressing over the school thing I decided to go online and buy the concert tickets for P!nk that C and I agreed would be our Christmas present to each other.

Fucking SOLD OUT

FML

FINE, I’ll phone my parents and see what they have to say about this whole school thing. (Clearly I was stressed out and just wanted someone to make a decision for me). Talked to Dad, we came up with some stratagies about handling an online course (treat it like in class, have a dedicated night to “attend”) and the strong recommendation about the other class (get the software, use online tutorials, the class doesn’t start until Feb, I have time to study it). Good advice, we’re back on track.

Today I got the call that my other course was indeed canceled, I mentioned I’d be heading to the college to register for the other two. And was told the online one was full.

The women I spoke to said she’d try and sweet talk whoever about getting me into the class since my other 2 had been canceled. “Try” being the keyword.

Shortly after I got a call from Dr. E’s office, they had received the paperwork from Dr. M’s office and she wanted me to come in so we could talk before she signed the paperwork…WHY?!?!?

And why isn’t any of this easier?!?!? I just want to go to school, get grief counseling and see fucking P!nk in concert, why is this all a big problem?!?!?!? I’d event take 2 of them being problems if the 3^rd worked out but nooooooo, everything has to be a big clusterfuck within 48 hours.

The earliest appointment I could get with Dr. E is 6 days from now, and no, she won’t do it over the phone. So if she signs off on it everything’s delayed a week since after she signs it has to go back to Dr. M’s office, then to the insurance company for them to sign off on it blah, blah, blah.

And I’m worried about why I have to meet with her in the first place. I’ve read a couple things over the years about certain sects of the catholic religion having no respect for physiologists etc, what if she wants me to seek counseling from the clergy or something? What if she doesn’t sign off on the damn paperwork?!?!?

I went to the gym, worked out and tried not to cry when I talked to C about all this (and succeeded in not crying). It felt good to vent. Working out probably helped.

Afterwards I stopped by Dr. M’s office and outlined the new wrinkle, apparently this isn’t that unusual, sometimes “family doctors” want to meet with the patient to make sure this is what they want….that doesn’t really make much sense to me since I read what was submitted to Dr. E and signed it, it’s what I want, in writing. I’m still stressed.

Next stop, the college, and yes they can fit me into the online course so I’m signed up for it and the other one.

P!nk is still sold out and at this point I can’t even muster more than mild disappointment. Yeah, blow me one more kiss.

I just really am flummoxed by how everything could collide like this?!?!? I think I’m owed a bit of a break this year. Is this some kind of sign or bad karma about the JO thing?!?!? (Oh, my boyfriend guilt is back!)

It’s not like I’m asking for easy stuff (ok, other than P!nk), school’s going to be work I’m not looking forward to and grief counseling was described to me by a friend as “the worst best thing I ever did”.

I’m trying very hard to move forward, very hard, and I’m getting worn down by crap like this. There’s no way Dr. E’s office could know that I’m having problems registering for school, and vice versa, and there’s no way P!nk, her agents, representatives, ticket sellers and other fans could know that her concert was something I was counting on to give me something to look forward to….but there’s still a part of me that’s screaming “UNFAIR”, as ridiculous as that is because the one thing I’ve learned in the last 6 + months is that life is not fair. I still think I’m owed a bit of a break ‘tho.

None of this crap would be happening if HE was still alive and I think that’s what bothers me the most.

So….this is 2013…



No guilt here! Chicken fried pork chops, mashed patatoes
(both covered in sausage gravy) and in the background
fried green tomatoes, I love the Dixie Grill!!

My Christmas was ok, totally different environment and a packed schedule helped, riding, zip-lining, trip into San Antonio, trip up to Austin, archery, don’t get me started on the food I ate…I’ve gained weight and don’t regret it.

I did have one bad night, but my TX peeps totally understood and cleared out to go see a movie so I could have some space and a good cry. And it was a pretty good cry.

I came home to a lot of snow and my parents, thankfully they only stayed 2 days…and don’t take that the wrong way, I was glad to see them but after a busy trip I needed some downtime before things get scary/busy next week. So we had a nice short visit and I’ve had the house to myself since yesterday.

I also managed to avoid a bad New Years. I spent it with the P family catching up with them and then leaving before midnight, came home and threw on a movie so I wouldn’t notice when midnight happened…and again I wonder if avoiding emotional situations is the right way to deal with things? I worry they’ll just all fester together and turn into a major breakdown somewhere down the road….

…and then we get back to that guilt thing. I feel guilty I enjoyed my trip without HIM, actually not even without him because I’ve been on trips before without him. I feel guilty I enjoyed my trip with HIM dead. Ditto with New Year’s part of me feels a good widow would have spent the evening crying her eyes out. And I could have, I just arranged things to avoid doing that. Which leads me back to the question about if I’m just headed for a big emotional clusterfuck at some point?

I’ve had 2 shifts at the restaurant since I got back as well and realized that during my trip I’ve shifted gears about it. I’m completely and truly no longer emotionally invested in working there. (For better or worse). I will go in and do my job, and do it well, but I’m not wasting my energy on any drama or any person there.

It helps that D and z’bitch have convinced themselves that we’re missing tip money at the end of our shifts, blaming the owners, and have figured out a silly cloak and dagger solution to “solve” the problem. I’m not convinced there is a problem and think they’re just chasing their tails but it is pretty interesting to watch. Especially since they’re both so irate about it but won’t approach the owners about it…keep in mind D is the manager…you know, the person who’s supposed to deal with this kind of thing in a mature manner.

D’s also still working on the schedule. She’s know for over 4 months when she leaves for her cruise (this Friday), over a month and a half + I can’t work school nights and over 3 weeks that I can’t work lunch shifts, and then reasoned her way out of hiring a new waitress until after she gets back. She did have a scheduled figured out after I got back from TX, which included one of her sisters waitressing, but of course z’bitch, who’s always complaining about how she needs more shifts, saw the schedule and her head exploded over how much she’d be working.

So D has 3 days to sort it out….as well as pack, cook, clean her house and a whole myriad of other things she’s been complaining about before she leaves. Did I mention she’s exhausted? Yep, she’s really exhausted from working so much because I was gone over Christmas, exhausted and stressed. I’ve only worked two shifts and I’ve heard that about 7 times, post trip guilt trip. I’ve thanked her repeatedly for giving me the time off but I refuse to apologize. ‘Course if she had hired another waitress when she said she would….

I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before but the above points out another shift in my gears. I’m not as sympathetic to people as I used to be.

If someone’s had a bad day, bad luck, bad news or anything else bad NOT of their own making, then yes, I’m sympathetic, really sympathetic. If someone’s self created their own drama or problems I’m now pretty much in the “suck it up princess” camp.

I’m not sure this is a good thing, but since picking up the big emotional burden of widowhood I guess it’s natural I’d drop some other baggage.

Next up, clearing the debris over z’bitches head exploding, finding out my schedule for next week, at which point I’ll be working 2 jobs and starting school….and I really need to shave my legs.