The Lows and Highs of February

So…long time no talk, how’s it going?

I’ve been busy, and frankly damn tired of complaining about my stress, but someone pointed out to me that I haven’t posted since the 6^th and was worried I had run off and joined the circus. (And if I did, could I get her tickets?)

Since I’ve posted I’ve had 2 doctor’s appointments and been diagnosed with low blood pressure and OCD. How do you like them apples?

My new medical doctor, MG, took my blood pressure, 91 over 54, low, not critically low but something to keep an eye on. With the amount of stress I’ve been under it should be high, WTF?!? The next day at work I had JM take my blood pressure, she showed me how on herself first. According to the results she was clinically dead, as was I when she took mine….Our other co-worker came into work and correctly took mine, it was still low but at least I wasn’t dead.

I talked to Dr M about the questionnaire, how it didn’t qualify if a feeling or condition was pre-existing or not and he explained it was just a “snapshot” of how I was feeling at the time I was filling it out.

And at the time I was filling it out I met 8 out of the 10 criteria for being OCD…if that’s true why the fuck isn’t my house cleaner?!?!?

I do get it, I can’t control who lives or dies so I’m going to control the hell out of the rest of my life…. (But apparently not the state of my house.) I was surprised by it ‘tho, I don’t feel I’ve been obsessive compulsive about anything, apparently saying I “moderately” over eat is one of the indicators. (I’m aware I’ve been snacking too much at night, I figured it was out of boredom). And yeah, I was checking and re-checking the math on my homework, but that’s because I know I’m bad at math and didn’t want to tank just because I hit the wrong button on the calculator.

I talked to my mom, she thinks its “situational” OCD, I agree. My Dad’s now calling it “obsessive cleaning disease”, because he’s witty and well aware that I was never going to cut it as a stepford wife.

I did have a moment today where I thought “Whoa! OCD, is that you?!” I was putting away my nail polish…ok, I’ll give a minute to pick yourself up off the floor…yes, I’ve started painting my nails…hey, it’s better than eating peanut butter out of the jar all night, and like snacking it gives me something mindless to do. I can’t dwell on what we’d be doing if HE lived while putting on nail polish, or worry about the stresses I have. Like the bad TLC shows, its junk food for my brain. (Have you tried painting your right hand with your left hand when you’re right handed? It’s hard!) So anyways, I was putting away my nail polish and was trying to figure out if I should organize them in the cabinet by shade or brand…yeah, I could be a little OCD.

(BTW by brand won out).

Dr M and I also talked about my current stresses. Even after dropping the on line course I was dreading the start of my in-class one. Just flat-out dread, and couldn’t figure out how I’d fit anything else in between it, the homework and work. He said something along the lines of “is this a career your interested in?” the answer being no, and he gave me a particular look that conveyed I might be an idiot and asked “why are you adding stress to your life for something your not interested in?” I explained that I needed to develop a career and that money and the need to support myself was a big issue now, blah, blah, blah. I won’t get into the whole thing but he had a good point. Why am I adding stress to my life for something I’m not interested in as a career? I still don’t know if the office job is going to turn out to be permanent (something that drives me bat-shit crazy) and if it does end in a few months it’s not like one course completed in the “bookkeeping” certificate is going to lead to a job.

I talked to a few friends about it and it was kinda like when you break up with a guy and afterwards all your friends tell you they couldn’t stand him. All my friends said something along the lines of “well, I was wondering why you choose that particular course, it didn’t seem to be you”…why the hell couldn’t you guys have mentioned this earlier?!

Adding fuel to the fire was running into a friend who’s daughter had taken the same course curriculum, passed with good marks, and couldn’t find a job…she’s now back in school taking courses that will hopefully land her a job as a medical office assistant…the job I’m doing without having to go to school.

Talked to my parents, they re-iterated they didn’t think I was a quitter for no good reason, and mentioned that the school idea was made before the office job, and that I’m still in shock over HIS death.

So, I dropped that course too and feel a whole lot better for it….other than the regret that I put myself through so much stress about something I ultimately canned. My Dad called it a “learning experience”, which is just short of saying “character building”, and I think I’ve done enough of that since June, n’est pas?

So, up this week, figuring out how to fit the gym in and here’s the bad news, it’s going to have to be in the morning…early morning, so early it’s still almost night.

Going to the gym after work isn’t/hasn’t worked out, I have to go to the farm and feed and when I get home after 6 I need to eat and I’m after that it’s game over. So, early in the morning it is, up at 5am to get to the gym at 6, done just after 7 and get home with enough time to get ready for work at 8:30. At least that’s the game plan….

And the need to find time to get back riding has been taken out of my hands by the weather. First it was too cold, now the footing is total crap and borderline dangerous. We’ve had a few thaws and freezes which has created thick sheets of ice everywhere at the farm. Our horses live outdoors 24/7 (with a shelter, trust me they do fine) and getting them the 75 meters from paddock to barn/indoor arena would be dicey at best, I’ve almost landed on my ass or face a few times and I don’t like the idea of it happening to a 1500 lb+ animal.

On the upside, because of the weather I did go downhill skiing last week. My parents used to take me on ski trips most winters but HE had no interest and we had horses, I didn’t really miss it. Then last week I went with friends and wow! For not having skied in over 20 years I did good (take into consideration it was a small hill), hadn’t forgotten any of my chops and has an absolute blast!

So there you go, that’s what I’ve been up to, no circus, or at least not one under a big top.

(And I will try and post more often, if only to save everyone from mammoth posts like this again.)

I'm a drop-out!



Finally Frenchy and I have something in common!



So I’m dropping the online course, I tanked the homework. The assignment I did hit 75% on, problem is the ones I got wrong where the technical equations and I know the course is going to be dominated by them from here on in. The amount of work I’ve put into this course is not being reflected in my marks. I’m not great at math and I’m handing in the work thinking that I have a clear understanding of the equations and what equations I need to use. And I’m checking the actuall math over 4 times by the time I submit. The math is correct but I’m mis-reading how to handle the equations and/or what equations I’m to use. The upside is my CPP calculations were bang on.

So I’m going to drop the class. And part of me feels like a quitter, despite what my parents, J and C have said. Part of me thinks if I put in more time and study harder I can hack it…but most of me knows I’ll probably just turn myself bat shit crazy.

I hope my in-class course goes better….I kinda want to drop that one too, mainly based on how badly this “going back to school” thing is going so far. We’ll see.

Something that’s also tweeking me out about the online course is that I e-mailed my proff this past Monday to ask when he was going to grade the assignment. He replied back that he usually took about 2 weeks to grade assignments, but he hadn’t received them all yet….WTF?!... The assignment was due last Wednesday, he gave me an extension (because of the whole CPP/rounding up clusterfuck) until Thursday, then later gave the entire class until Friday. But he was still waiting for assignments?!?! Silly me, I didn’t realize due dates were optional.

(Just in case your wondering I explained my situation and he e-mailed me the solutions and I graded myself).

So, less stress, yes? Yes. I’m still working on a schedual that includes 2 jobs, 1 class, the gym and horses, actually riding them even. I’d like to spend time with friends too. We’ll see how it works out.

Wish me luck!

36%

That’s how much shorter a widow’s life span is compared to a (relatively happily) married women.

It’s just an average but it’s a statistical fact. (For widowers it’s 40%)

This fun fact was brought to you by Dr M, my grief counselor.

It was on a white board in his office along with a bunch of stuff about the benefits of marriage, vs divorce. I guess a client in a session before me has some issues either about getting married or staying married. (I can’t remember what the lifespan stats where for divorced men/women.)

And so kicked off a really crappy afternoon/evening.

And I’m really getting tired of blog bitching about my bad days, there seem to be too many of them lately. Part of the reason I am blogging is to vent the ickyness out, but it just seems lately the things I have to do that I expect to be hard have become a flat out way worse than I think they could possibly have to be.

Dr M has the ability to ask exactly the right question with exactly the right look of understanding and compassion to bring me to tears, so grief counseling = tears.

..In front of a man I just met. And I don’t care that this is his job, and he’s certified up the wazoo, it’s still awkward, which I told him. (He validated that it was awkward for me…not much help there). So, tears in the afternoon.

After I got home I downloaded the solutions to last week’s homework assignment, something I was feeling pretty confident about. I felt I had an understanding of both the equations needed to answer the questions and had triple checked the actual math.

…I got 2 out of the 6 questions right.

More tears.



An oldy but a goody, and one that
applies to me right now
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ALRLZQf42s



All but one of my wrong answer’s where off by 1 cent… 1 FUCKING CENT?!?!?!?!?!

Apparently Professor Asshat didn’t have complete instructions (in my opinion) for the equation for calculating CPP contributions on a pay cheque. I won’t go into the whole thing but basically There are 3 steps to doing the equation, in his notes after step 1 he wrote that you do not round up this number. And that’s the only mention of rounding up anywhere in his notes, regarding CPP or anything else.

Turns out you should round up, to the nearest cent, if applicable after step 3 of the CPP calculation, this is not mentioned in his notes.

So, you get the CPP contribution wrong (by 1 fucking cent) then you get the total deductions from a gross pay wrong (by 1 fucking cent), ergo you get the calculation for net pay wrong…by 1 fucking cent.

The only up-side to this is we’re not actually graded on our homework, (but we do get 3% added to our grade if we submit all the homework completed, which I’ve been doing).

The huge downside was that our first assignment (which is graded) was due the next day and I needed confirmation that you did need to round up where I thought he was indicating in his solutions. So I sent an e-mail and waited.

While I was waiting I went to the barn to feed the horses, on the drive home I hit a raccoon. I just saw him out of the corner of my eye, running towards Oliver, had time to register it was a raccoon, and then I felt him under my back wheels.

Pulled over to the side of the road and bawled for 15 minutes. Flat out BAWLED, the ugly crying.

Check for an answer to my e-mail when I get home, nothing. Fuck this noise; I’m done for the night. Zoned out watching bad TLC shows, hated myself a little.

The next day I do get a short reply from Prof Asshat stating “You do not round up for CPP calculations, for all others please do”.

?!?!?!?!?

But he clearly DID round up on the final step of the CPP calculations, and for all others, how far do we round up?!?!?!?

I sent a much longer e-mail, with an example of that week’s homework and asked for clarification….under the gun because the first assignment was due that day. Go to work. Stress.

Get home, still no answer. Decided fuck it; send in the assignment with what I think is the correct answers, rounded up where applicable.

Later that night I get confirmation from him that you DO round up in the final CPP contribution, and you should round up to the nearest cent (where applicable) for it and any other calculations…….

….what’s even more worrisome is in this week’s notes he’s used the term “net pay” in a calculation when he should have used “gross pay”.

…I hate on-line learning. IT IS JUST NOT WORKING FOR ME.

And I haven’t had time to ride or go to the gym this week at all. Never mind spend time with friends...or even breath normally…And on the 14^th I go full-time at the office while one of the girls takes her 2 month vacation to Florida, and my in-class course starts on the 25^th of Feb. The thought stresses me out to the point I want to throw up. And I’m back to not sleeping well at night.

I have never had a panic attack, but I’m pretty sure I know what the precursor is. 

My life is out of balance, drastically.

So, here’s the deal, I’m dropping one of my college classes. If I don’t get at least 75% on my assignment and this week’s (self-graded) homework assignment I’m canning this on-line payroll admin course. If I appear to now have a handle on it I’ll can in the in-class course.

Also adding to my work week was an online “Mental Heath Assessment” from Dr M’s office. Fifty-odd questions that run the gamut from “Do you hear voices that others do not hear?” to “Do you suffer from muscle soreness?”

You have to choose answers that range between “not at all”, “somewhat”, “moderately”, “often” to “extremely”.

My problem is I don’t know how to answer some of the questions, and you have to answer all of the questions to submit the survey.  

And no, I don’t hear voices that others don’t hear, and yes, I do suffer from muscle soreness, but that’s because of the gym.

And that’s part of the problem; you can’t add comments to your answers. 

There were questions like “Do you have urges to strike or hurt people?”…well, yes, I’ve wanted to throttle z’bitch, but I’ve wanted to do that since before HE died. “Do you have opinions and beliefs that are different from other people?”…well, yes?! Put me in a room with 10 other women of equal social/economic situations and I’m sure there’s something I’ll disagree with all of them about…that’s just life, isn’t it?

Yes, I “have urges to break things”… “Moderately”. I’ve always liked the idea of destroying things (plates, using my chainsaw etc) in the same way I get satisfaction out of hammering nails and using noisy tools to build things. I’m not sure what that says about me? Maybe it’s the noise level rather than the actual act?

So clearly Dr M and I need to talk about his online quiz.

I talked to M about it last night, about how some of my “issues” in the quiz pre-dated HIM dying. She thought it was great I was getting free therapy for pre-existing conditions! God she’s smart!

So as well as figuring out my “grief issues” maybe we’ll get some of my other weirdness worked out as well…

Three bright spots in this clusterfuck.

1)      During this P drover down for a less-than 24 hour visit. The excuse was to drop off a saddle my other friend M is interested in buying. We ate sushi, watched “Perfect Pitch” (seriously fun movie) and gabbed face to face. It was awesome.

2)      JO phoned, from Mexico. He said misses me. I told him I miss him, because I do.

3)      I e-mailed my parents to let them know what was going in with my 2 out of 6 online class and that I was feeling overwhelmed and very stressed….especially about my upcoming schedule.  Mom phoned later that night. She reminded me that the idea of going back to school happened before I got the office job and that they where both wondering how I was going to cope? Better, she agreed that dropping one of my courses was a good idea and that her and Dad don’t think I’m a quitter…My parents aren’t verbally or demonstrably affectionate people, I know they love me, but I’ve only ever heard it from my parents a few times in my life. To hear my Mom say her and dad don’t think I’m a quitter is a HUGE thing to me.

The end note is that I’m feeling better about the next few months since I’ve decided to drop one of my night courses. BUT I still need to come up with a game plan to fit in full-time at the office, weekends at the restaurant, gym, horses and friends.

But hey, the guy who kisses me on the wrist phoned me long distance to see how I was doing. That’s worth a little bit of a “happy place” right?