Guilty Admission

Let’s start this with talking about how we judge people, and let’s cut the bullshit, we all judge people. It’s true. Whenever you hear someone say “I don’t judge people….” you know they’re about to. (Like whenever you hear “I’m not a racist…” you just know that person’s about to become a fuckwit).

Anyhow, we all judge people, and it’s always a good or bad judgment, ‘tho not necessarily an important one that affects how you feel deep down about the person. IE “Good god, she does not have the thighs to pull off skinny jeans”. Then there are other judgments that will affect how you feel about a person to the core and the rest of my post might very well change your opinion of me.

 I struggled for a long time about writing this, then even more time about actually posting it. I also talked to C and P about what was going on and what they thought of me and the situation I have found myself in, and it’s given me the balls to write this out.

And I do worry about being judged negatively by all of you because for the most part you’re people I’ve invited to read this blog, which means I consider you a good and trusted friend. I’d hate to lose that…I’d also hate to not post this because this blog is about me and how I’m dealing with things, and this is part of it. And I’m pretty sure this is going to be hard for a lot of you to understand since you haven’t had to deal with losing a husband, it’s hard for me to understand, so how can I expect you to?

So, for better or worse, you’re going to judge me, here we go.

Despite the fact I was told by K (another widow) “no men for at least a year”, (for very good reason) and that I still have serious crying jags over missing HIM and that I have little enough time to spend with my friends and have about a million other things I should be thinking/doing, I’ve been spending some time with a male friend.

He’s been a regular at work for about 3 years now, and has been flirting with me a little for about 3 years, and yes, he’s one of the Mexican farm workers. We’ll call him JO.

About 3 months after HE died JO asked me out, in all fairness I never wore jewelry to work so he’d probably have no idea I was married never mind widowed. I turned him down. He looked crestfallen; I felt bad and explained that I was recently widowed. JO went through the usual facial expressions of shock and the usual mumbles about “I’m really sorry” etc. (His English is about as good as my Spanish, meaning not great but ok).

About a month ago he asked if I wanted to go for coffee after I was done work, “solomente amigos”, only as friends. I turned him down. Partly because it felt really wrong to say yes, partly because I was tired and had to work the rest of the weekend, partly because I wasn’t attracted to him at all and partly because of K’s warning of no men for at least a year….and who are we kidding, “solomente amigos”, yeah, right.

It’s not the first time I’ve been asked out, or the second, or 3^rd since HE died, Mexican or local. I’ve been working on a theory that my life’s fucked up enough right now that my body chemistry has changed and I’m throwing off some weird pheromone that makes me attractive to men.

Anyhow, I turned him down saying I was tired and had to work early the next day.

A few weeks ago he asked me out for coffee again, “solomente amigos”, I don’t know why I said yes, other than I was in a good mood and had the weekend off, but I did say yes.

We met after I had changed from work, at which point I realized the only place to get coffee at 10pm at night was the skeazy Tim Horton’s near my place. I didn’t want to go to one of the skeazy bars, too much like a date, and to be honest, I didn’t want to go to one of the nice bars, too much like a date and people I know hang out at the nice bars. How am I going to expect them to understand why I’m there with a guy when I don’t even know?

I also wasn’t keen on having the pressure of sitting across from JO and trying to make conversation, or worse, force it. I suggested going to play pool at one of the skeazy bars, he countered with playing pool at the local Portuguese Club, and off we went.

I had fun, we had a few beers, laughed about our pool playing and English/Spanish skills, talked about our jobs, music and all the other stuff you talk about getting to know someone.

He wouldn’t let me pay for anything.

Insisted on walking me home.

When I thanked him for a nice night out he said “No medigas gracias lo ago porti”, (No need to thank I do it for you).

Then he kissed me on the hand.

Then on the inside of the wrist.

Then he kissed me on the lips.

And I kissed him back.

Then had a “OH GOOD GOD” moment and backed into the door. Horrified, stunned, guilty and sad.

JO was very quick to apologize, looking kinda horrified himself. I said it was partial my fault and that I was sorry but “solomente amigos”. He apologized again, kissed my hand, told me to have a good night and left. I went inside and beat up on myself while chain smoking cigarettes.

The next day he sent me a text saying he hoped I was having a good day off, that he had a good time last night and that he was sorry about the kiss. I texted him back something along the lines of it was ok, I was going riding and I hoped he had a good day at work.

Spent the rest of the day alternately feeling horrible and thinking about the kiss and how nice it was.

We traded a few more texts back and forth over the next few days and he asked if I wanted to get together for dinner “solomente amigos”...a smarter, appropriate, widow would have said no. I didn’t.

I could list all the thought process and justifications down but it basically came down to this: I did have fun with him playing pool, he’s interesting and funny, I’m comfortable with him and if he keeps his lips away from mine we’ll be good.

This is going to seem like I’m inviting trouble into mi casa but I invited him to come over for dinner. I hated the thought of him paying for dinner on top of our last night out. He had already told me that when he goes back to Mexico he works in construction and makes around the equivalent to $70 CAD a week?!?!?! That’s insane and sad. Dinner at a decent restaurant would easily cost more than half his weeks’ wages in Mexico.

…..So he spent more than 20% of his week’s wages in Mexico and took a cab to my place.

I “cooked” a frozen lasagna (the last remaining food item dropped off after HE died, ironic and fucked up) while we traded Spanish/English dictionaries and words back and forth and ended up watching a movie, in Spanish.

He put his arm around me, I slouched into him.

He picked up my hand and kissed the inside of my wrist, I curled up against him.

He did not keep his lips away from mine.

I did not throw myself off the couch.

Nor did I have an “Oh good god” moment, lightening didn’t strike me down; HIS urn didn’t fly across the room and shatter.

I kissed a boy and I liked it.

And I feel guilty for it and I feel more guilty that I don’t feel more guilty about it.

A lot of you, especially those that know and loved James, are thinking “How could you?!?!?”, and I’m with you, how could I?!?!?... I don’t know.

I don’t feel like I’m cheating on HIM, but I do feel like I’m cheating on HIS memory. And I’ve bitched before about how I hate time and I wish this “grieving process” would get over and done with but this new situation feels way too soon, disrespectful infact.

But it was nice, more than nice actually. Just curling up on the couch with someone was a nice, comfortable novelty, and I hate to say it something that hasn’t happened in many years.

At the time of the writing of this we’ve seen each other a handful of times.

For his part JO seems to understand and respect my boundaries, both physical and emotional, and he doesn’t push them. His hands can roam around my arms, shoulders, neck and back, period. And he understands that’s not going to change anytime soon. He also understands that it’s almost impossible for me to answer questions about me or my life without mentioning HIM. I appreciate his understanding.

He tells me I’m beautiful, and I honestly believe he thinks so, not because he tells me, but by the way he treats me, and I will save you from the gooey details but geez…he kisses the inside of my wrist…just randomly for no apparent reason. 

He also treats me like the total princess that I’m not. Doors are opened for me, things are carried, he’s cooked dinner for me, he wants to help me winterize the windows, he worries about me having to shovel snow this winter?!

And I wasn’t attracted to him the night we played pool, but he gets more handsome to me every time I see him.

Do I think this is the start of a big new relationship? No, nor do I want one. The fact is in a few weeks he’ll be leaving to go back to Mexico, and assuming he comes back it won’t be for 5 months. And frankly, I think that’s a good thing.

Am I trying to replace HIM? No, there’s no replacing HIM

Am I one of those girls that has to have a guy in her life to validate herself? No, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been that kind of girl. I hope to god I’m not.

Am I using JO to distract myself from the new realities of my life? Yes but I’m very conscious about not making him too much of a distraction.

…when C and I talked about this she did have the opinion that hanging out with JO was no different than hanging out with her or P or other friends. Which makes sense until I told her that she had never kissed me the way JO has.

C’s reply: “well, not yet…”.

Everybody should have someone like C in their life.

For P’s part, she thinks it’s nice and not a bad thing that there’s someone who I’m comfortable spending time with. I also think she’s maybe struggling with the idea a bit since she’s been friends with HE and I for so long. I appreciate her support because of that.

Other than feeling unfaithful to HIS memory, I’m struggling with the whole “judgment” issue. We all judge people, we all hate to be judged and a lot of us say “I don’t care what people think”. But I do care what some people think, friends who read this blog and a few important people in my life who don’t. Specifically my parents, D and the P Family.

Any thing they or you might be thinking I’ve already thought about myself and this situation, believe me, but it’s more complicated with them.

I also don’t want anyone thinking JO’s taking advantage of someone in a weakened emotional state or something along those lines; he’s a good person, or at least a good person to me. And besides, it takes two to tango. I could have thrown myself off the couch, I choose not to.

We’re keeping this on the down low, and I feel bad about that.

So there you go. I’m spending time with a male friend who is kind, funny, smart and kisses the inside of my wrist.

Update: I’ve sat on this for a few weeks while trying to decide whether I wanted post this or not, obviously I decided I should.

JO and his lips are now back in Mexico. We saw each other once or twice a week for about a month. It remained fun and comfortable; he never pushed my boundaries. He helped me winterize the windows.

He said he’d like to pick up where we left off when he returns, I’ve said ok, but let’s be honest; god knows where I’ll be in 5 months, literally and figuratively.

I’m thinking of this little chapter in my life as a romantic get away from the daily grind of widowhood, a little unreality in my reality.

I don’t regret it but nor do I plan to repeat it anytime soon.

I’ve known all along that K’s right about “no men for at least a year”, I never doubted that, and I can understand why now more than ever. On one hand I struggled with the whole “WTF am I doing?!?!” Bad Widow!! BAD!! On the other it’s too tempting to just go with it, getting wrapped up in the addictive cozy feeling of a boy liking you. I very consciously tried to not get wrapped up in it, the fact that I knew he was leaving helped, but part of me very much wanted to dwell in that cozy feeling for good.

The reality is, kisses on the wrist make me feel better about my life but they don’t solve any of the problems. And this little romance could be a good sign of me moving forward, or the total opposite…I don’t know, but I’m not going to regret it.