Done!

Big thanks to “the girls that Matter” and especially C for their input on the wording on the cards. I walked into C’s office to ask her opinion and 10 minutes later she had the cards ordered through Vistaprint, 2 days later they were in my hands.

So far the only flaw with these cards is they do not avoid awkward phone moments. I guess I'll have to live with that.

Scarlet Letter

I want one.

Not an “A” a “W”, maybe not in scarlet, maybe a dark burgundy.

I’m at the point now where I can calmly tell people my husband died without bursting into tears or anything more than taking a deep breath before and after. However other people’s reactions remain the same, awkward shocked pause then they’re best at condolences. I’ve even prefaced telling people with “This is going to be awkward for both of us, so here we go….” But it is still very awkward for both of us. Especially if the person I’m talking to knew HIM.

What’s even worse is if some well meaning soul who doesn’t know tries to tell me to “cheer up” or equivalent when I’m having a rotten day. Worse is when they are adamant that I can change my attitude and therefore turn my rotten day into a good day. I ran into one of those at the gym during the whole nun/grief counseling/school clusterfuck.

And he wasn’t exactly wrong. If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed it is possible to talk yourself into having a good day/better attitude, but my problems run a bit deeper than that. I think I’m allowed/expected to have completely rotten days, whether I want them or not, but no, some well-meaning jack-ass has to assume I can just slap on a smile, think about unicorns, puppies and spring flowers and my day will magically turn around.

It happened with another gym member, in front of C who tried to warn him off but he persisted in the “turn that frown upside down” mentality…worse he’s studying to be a priest or something. So I hit the point where enough was enough, time to bitch slap him with how this is not just a bad day, “My husband dies last June”…SCREEECH! As he slams on the breaks of happy, happy joy, joy and switches to condolences.

And the sucky thing is I shouldn’t have to do that to people who are just trying to be nice, even if they are annoying. I don’t want to do it, it’s unfair to me and the other person.

Which is why I think I should come with some kind of warning or hazard symbol.

Back in the day widows wore veils and/or dressed in black. I imagine it cut down on a lot of the bullshit. But in today’s world I’d be overdressed, confused as a “Goth” or, well, frankly a lot of people just wear black outfits. I like the idea of a veil but how does one pull that off while working out at the gym?

I think us widows should be issued some kind of badge or something, wearing it would be optional, but that way people would have some kind of warning that something had happened and could moderate themselves accordingly.

I have seen people wearing buttons or t-shirts with a photo of the deceased and RIP etc but I think it’s been mostly for children that have died and that’s a bit too in your face for me.

And I do get that women wearing a letter on your cloths had negative connotations thanks to Nathaniel Hawthorne  but a nice dark red “W” on a black background, worn optionally by those in mourning, for however long they wished, when they wished, would really cut down on awkward, painful or inappropriate moments.

…I just re-read that last paragraph and I’m sure that’s along the lines of how the yellow star was introduced by Hitler….

…ok, scrap that… You guys do get what I’m trying to say ‘tho right? A veil gave people a head’s up that a women was in morning and some guidance in how to treat that person. They are going through a tough time, and for god’s sakes don’t hit on her!  

Maybe I should just have business cards made up:

I am a widow

My husband died June 2012

Please act appropriately

Tail Wagging the Dog

In the past week I’ve almost punched a nun (not kidding), been laid off, un-laid off (in the span of 6 hours), started school, seriously re-committed to the gym and painted one wall of my bedroom.

Needless to say the appointment with Dr E was a frustrating. I take off from work early and get to the office before my appointment time. Check in and wait. And wait. And wait.

45 minutes in I ask the nurse how far behind Dr. E’s running, an eye roll and “She’s been running an hour late since she started this morning” was the reply. Great.

Finally get into an exam room, and wait.

The good Doctor breezes in, habit flowing, sits down and asks “So, what are you here to see me about?”…?!?!?...

I explain she asked for me to come in to discuss paperwork that was sent to her to sign pertaining to me getting grief counseling.

“Where is this paperwork”…?!?!?!?...

I tell her it was sent to her last week by Dr M’s office, she goes to get it, comes back.

“So, what is this about”….?!?!?!?!?!?!?!.......

I re-iterate what the paperwork’s about, who sent it and that she needs to sign it.

She complains that the printing is too small, then asks me to explain what it says….

At which point I realize she hasn’t even looked at the fucking paperwork other than to realize it’s about me and get me to make on appointment.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?

I take a few breaths and run the whole “it details a treatment plan, the length and cost for me to receive grief counseling because my husband died, blah, blah, blah”.

She asked about 2 other totally stupid questions before I finally, in a calm as I could manner, tell her that if she had any questions about the paperwork she should have phoned the office that sent it to her as they could explain it far better than I could, which would also have saved me taking time off work.

Her response “Well, is this important to you?”.

At which point I wanted to strangle her with her rosary.

I actually counted out 3 deep breaths before I replied.

Finally she left to go phone Dr M’s office, but only after I told her she should 2 more times. I was glad to see her go because you guys just got the abriviated version of what was probobly a 15 minute tour de force of frustration.

Then I sat and waited for the nun’s return, and waited, and waited.

After about 15 minutes I tracked down the nurse and asked her if Dr E was coming back.

Her reply “No, she left for a funeral”….

….Oh, that’s just fucking perfect….

The nurse was more helpful than Dr E after I explained to her the whole story, frankly she was a bit horrified and I got the feeling not a big fan of Dr E. She said she’d get her to sign it ASAP.

A few days later Dr M’s office did confirm she sent it back signed.

Just because she’s a doctor and Jesus is her boyfriend doesn’t mean she has the common sense god gave a duck.

I’m now back to looking for a new family doctor. Third one’s a charm?

Work at the office is going well but one last Monday I was told it would be my last day until one of the other staff went on her annual trip to Florida in mid-February.

Ok, I know the job is temporary, but still, I was expecting a bit more notice. I need consistency in my life right now and frankly I was still in a mood over the nun. I have to admit I had a little bit of a meltdown at work with the other office “girls”– which I hate.

Six hours later everything was back to normal, meaning I was employed until further notice at the office.

BTW I do really like my job there. The other women I work with are nice and fun, I feel like I’m accomplishing something while I’m there and it doesn’t involve cleaning up sweet and sour sauce that some child, or an adult who eats like a child, has smeared all over the place.

Then there’s school. It’s only one on-line course right now, the in-class one doesn’t start until mid-Feb. So I’m taking “Payroll Administration”, sounds pretty harmless right? HA! A fair bit off its tax law and how it relates to paying people. Yep, tax law. And there’s math, I now know how to verify if a person’s SIN number is valid, it’s a math equation. Not quite cool enough to be a party trick but a bit more interesting than tax law.

And due to the fact my life was feeling pretty out of control for a few days I decided to paint one wall of my bedroom because a trashy women’s magazine told me it was a great way to spruce up a room. I can’t control what college courses get canceled, can’t control a nun, can’t control the whims of my office job employer but dammit I can control the environment I live in!!...

….’Course I originally choose Ribbon Dance” blue, painted half the wall, wasn’t really sure about it and had to convene a colour conference with the other office girls if I should stick with it or go for “Moonlight Dance”. Both choose the latter.

So now one of my walls is a nice mellow dark blue and I’m trying to figure out what to do with the rest of the “Ribbon Dance”.

So it’s been a pretty “interesting week”. I’m hoping next week my schedule will settle down I’m tired of my life running me and need to rein it in before I start painting more walls.

Oh, so THIS is 2013….

I’ve had a rocky 2 days and I’m hoping things smooth out or I will be running off and joining the Russian circus.

Yesterday morning I got a call from the college and one of my courses has been canceled due to lack of enrollment, and I was forewarned I’d probably be getting another call today saying me other class was canned too. I was supposed to start next week.

FML

So I looked at the course calendar, only 2 other courses for the “Bookkeeping” course are being offered this semester. One is only available online, the other they “strongly recommend” you take another course (not offered this semester) as a prerequisite. So not ideal and maybe this is a sign I should look at different courses?

While I was stressing about that I got a call from my grief counselor’s office, Dr. M’s office, they needed my nun doctor to sign the paperwork on my grief counseling before they sent it off to my insurance company. But the DR. E’s office couldn’t find my file and were questioning if I was a patient there and could I phone them and get it straightened out? Fine, phone them, they had found my file.

Still stressing over the school thing I decided to go online and buy the concert tickets for P!nk that C and I agreed would be our Christmas present to each other.

Fucking SOLD OUT

FML

FINE, I’ll phone my parents and see what they have to say about this whole school thing. (Clearly I was stressed out and just wanted someone to make a decision for me). Talked to Dad, we came up with some stratagies about handling an online course (treat it like in class, have a dedicated night to “attend”) and the strong recommendation about the other class (get the software, use online tutorials, the class doesn’t start until Feb, I have time to study it). Good advice, we’re back on track.

Today I got the call that my other course was indeed canceled, I mentioned I’d be heading to the college to register for the other two. And was told the online one was full.

The women I spoke to said she’d try and sweet talk whoever about getting me into the class since my other 2 had been canceled. “Try” being the keyword.

Shortly after I got a call from Dr. E’s office, they had received the paperwork from Dr. M’s office and she wanted me to come in so we could talk before she signed the paperwork…WHY?!?!?

And why isn’t any of this easier?!?!? I just want to go to school, get grief counseling and see fucking P!nk in concert, why is this all a big problem?!?!?!? I’d event take 2 of them being problems if the 3^rd worked out but nooooooo, everything has to be a big clusterfuck within 48 hours.

The earliest appointment I could get with Dr. E is 6 days from now, and no, she won’t do it over the phone. So if she signs off on it everything’s delayed a week since after she signs it has to go back to Dr. M’s office, then to the insurance company for them to sign off on it blah, blah, blah.

And I’m worried about why I have to meet with her in the first place. I’ve read a couple things over the years about certain sects of the catholic religion having no respect for physiologists etc, what if she wants me to seek counseling from the clergy or something? What if she doesn’t sign off on the damn paperwork?!?!?

I went to the gym, worked out and tried not to cry when I talked to C about all this (and succeeded in not crying). It felt good to vent. Working out probably helped.

Afterwards I stopped by Dr. M’s office and outlined the new wrinkle, apparently this isn’t that unusual, sometimes “family doctors” want to meet with the patient to make sure this is what they want….that doesn’t really make much sense to me since I read what was submitted to Dr. E and signed it, it’s what I want, in writing. I’m still stressed.

Next stop, the college, and yes they can fit me into the online course so I’m signed up for it and the other one.

P!nk is still sold out and at this point I can’t even muster more than mild disappointment. Yeah, blow me one more kiss.

I just really am flummoxed by how everything could collide like this?!?!? I think I’m owed a bit of a break this year. Is this some kind of sign or bad karma about the JO thing?!?!? (Oh, my boyfriend guilt is back!)

It’s not like I’m asking for easy stuff (ok, other than P!nk), school’s going to be work I’m not looking forward to and grief counseling was described to me by a friend as “the worst best thing I ever did”.

I’m trying very hard to move forward, very hard, and I’m getting worn down by crap like this. There’s no way Dr. E’s office could know that I’m having problems registering for school, and vice versa, and there’s no way P!nk, her agents, representatives, ticket sellers and other fans could know that her concert was something I was counting on to give me something to look forward to….but there’s still a part of me that’s screaming “UNFAIR”, as ridiculous as that is because the one thing I’ve learned in the last 6 + months is that life is not fair. I still think I’m owed a bit of a break ‘tho.

None of this crap would be happening if HE was still alive and I think that’s what bothers me the most.

So….this is 2013…



No guilt here! Chicken fried pork chops, mashed patatoes
(both covered in sausage gravy) and in the background
fried green tomatoes, I love the Dixie Grill!!

My Christmas was ok, totally different environment and a packed schedule helped, riding, zip-lining, trip into San Antonio, trip up to Austin, archery, don’t get me started on the food I ate…I’ve gained weight and don’t regret it.

I did have one bad night, but my TX peeps totally understood and cleared out to go see a movie so I could have some space and a good cry. And it was a pretty good cry.

I came home to a lot of snow and my parents, thankfully they only stayed 2 days…and don’t take that the wrong way, I was glad to see them but after a busy trip I needed some downtime before things get scary/busy next week. So we had a nice short visit and I’ve had the house to myself since yesterday.

I also managed to avoid a bad New Years. I spent it with the P family catching up with them and then leaving before midnight, came home and threw on a movie so I wouldn’t notice when midnight happened…and again I wonder if avoiding emotional situations is the right way to deal with things? I worry they’ll just all fester together and turn into a major breakdown somewhere down the road….

…and then we get back to that guilt thing. I feel guilty I enjoyed my trip without HIM, actually not even without him because I’ve been on trips before without him. I feel guilty I enjoyed my trip with HIM dead. Ditto with New Year’s part of me feels a good widow would have spent the evening crying her eyes out. And I could have, I just arranged things to avoid doing that. Which leads me back to the question about if I’m just headed for a big emotional clusterfuck at some point?

I’ve had 2 shifts at the restaurant since I got back as well and realized that during my trip I’ve shifted gears about it. I’m completely and truly no longer emotionally invested in working there. (For better or worse). I will go in and do my job, and do it well, but I’m not wasting my energy on any drama or any person there.

It helps that D and z’bitch have convinced themselves that we’re missing tip money at the end of our shifts, blaming the owners, and have figured out a silly cloak and dagger solution to “solve” the problem. I’m not convinced there is a problem and think they’re just chasing their tails but it is pretty interesting to watch. Especially since they’re both so irate about it but won’t approach the owners about it…keep in mind D is the manager…you know, the person who’s supposed to deal with this kind of thing in a mature manner.

D’s also still working on the schedule. She’s know for over 4 months when she leaves for her cruise (this Friday), over a month and a half + I can’t work school nights and over 3 weeks that I can’t work lunch shifts, and then reasoned her way out of hiring a new waitress until after she gets back. She did have a scheduled figured out after I got back from TX, which included one of her sisters waitressing, but of course z’bitch, who’s always complaining about how she needs more shifts, saw the schedule and her head exploded over how much she’d be working.

So D has 3 days to sort it out….as well as pack, cook, clean her house and a whole myriad of other things she’s been complaining about before she leaves. Did I mention she’s exhausted? Yep, she’s really exhausted from working so much because I was gone over Christmas, exhausted and stressed. I’ve only worked two shifts and I’ve heard that about 7 times, post trip guilt trip. I’ve thanked her repeatedly for giving me the time off but I refuse to apologize. ‘Course if she had hired another waitress when she said she would….

I can’t remember if I’ve written about this before but the above points out another shift in my gears. I’m not as sympathetic to people as I used to be.

If someone’s had a bad day, bad luck, bad news or anything else bad NOT of their own making, then yes, I’m sympathetic, really sympathetic. If someone’s self created their own drama or problems I’m now pretty much in the “suck it up princess” camp.

I’m not sure this is a good thing, but since picking up the big emotional burden of widowhood I guess it’s natural I’d drop some other baggage.

Next up, clearing the debris over z’bitches head exploding, finding out my schedule for next week, at which point I’ll be working 2 jobs and starting school….and I really need to shave my legs.

Maximum Overdrive

This will probably be my last post until I get back from Texas, I leave next week and I’m a bit panicked about everything I have to do before I go.

It’s not just the packing, and I am a horrible packer, I always, always, always over pack for trips. I cannot seem to quiet that little voice in my head that says “But what if…?” so I end up packing for just about any reasonable scenario that could happen at the local I’m going, and a few unreasonable ones too.

There’s also my parents who are showing up the day before I get home, the house needs to be cleaned…even ‘tho my Mom will clean it again when she gets here. Then there’s all the odds and ends, horses, cat care, blah, blah blah and work, both of them!

I went in to J’s office last week and met with the manager, it wasn’t really an interview, we just chatted a bit and I gave her my resume, she asked when I could come in for some training and that’s what I did last Wed and Thurs. J says the manager, LD, likes me and since they want me in again this coming week and when I get back from Texas it’s kind of assumed that I have the job. Again, it’s only temporary/part time, but still, I’m pretty excited about it. And so far I like it, it’s different, I get along with everyone and there are some parts of the job that’ll be challenging for me. And it pays well.

So Thurs night after my shift at the restaurant I had to tell D I couldn’t work any lunch shifts after I got back from my trip. I was a bit worried D would have a stroke and Y would fire me. That didn’t happen. D told me she was proud of me, Y shot me the stink eye and told D “You put sign in the window and hire new girl now part time”, and hasn’t really talked to me since.

‘Tho looking at January being fired might not have been a bad thing. The same week I start school D leaves on a 10 day cruise and even if they have a new waitress she won’t be ready to work alone so I’m pretty much guaranteed to be insanely busy with 2 jobs and school…never mind getting my ass back to the gym and riding.

So basically I’m still stressed out, but over different things at least.

I also started grief counseling last week. (Yep, it was quite the week). I met with Dr. M and we basically did an overview of my issues – which is prefect because I didn’t go in for counseling earlier because I thought it would be pointless to just sit in his office and cry for an hour (I can do that at home). I waited until I had some definite ISSUES pinpointed. So we talked about them in basic terms. I have to be honest; I’m not sure how this is going to go. I’m telling a guy I just met stuff I’ve only discussed with 2 or 3 friends I’ve known for years, it’s uncomfortable. And I ended up crying anyways, in front of someone I just met, very uncomfortable.

Dr. M did say something that made a lot of sense, he said I may have lost a husband but my new boyfriend’s guilt, and guilt and I need to break up and he’s going to help me do that. And he’s right I feel guilty about a lot of things. Things I did or didn’t do in our marriage, things I wish we had done, things that happened after HE died, even things unrelated to HIM but associated with his death.

I also commented on Dr. M’s diplomas and certificates, that I assumed he knew what he was doing since he had so many of them. He said he printed them out himself.

And this gives me hope because this puts him right in the same sense of humor as CMJ and CMJ was awesome.

So, I’ll let you know how it goes, fingers crossed.

So how’s this whole Christmas thing going? Ok, I guess. I’m studiously ignoring it, or trying to.

I’ve gotten some Christmas cards in the mail, I read them then they get chucked, no cards lining the mantle this year. Any presents not being bought in TX are already gotten, no malls in my future – thank god.

Work’s a bit more difficult, we’ve been listening to Christmas music since mid-November because D says “every one expects it”. Not true. She just fucking loves the holiday and can’t wait to get started on it, the restaurant has also been totally tricked out in decorations and a tree.

I feel bad too, (hey look it’s my boyfriend guilt!) we always put out Christmas stockings for the cats and horses, I won’t be doing that this year, I just can’t bear it. I’m also not wrapping any presents I bought. I always wrapped HIS gifts (badly) but HE was in charge of doing the rest. I’d help with ribbons and tags, he’d play Christmas music (Trans Siberian Orchestra was his fav) and we’d drink rum and eggnog. I did think a few times about just getting some plain wrapping paper but I just can’t deal with the idea of sitting down, alone, and wrapping stuff.

Again I’m so thankful we didn’t have kids.

I hope you all have a great Christmas, I’m hopeful I’ll have a good one.

Please drive carefully and make the most you have with your friends and family.

And the Band Played On...

Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, things are not improving, or even maintaining a consistent level of suck. They are infact getting worse.

Part of it may be my prospective but trying to look at it objectively and talking to C and J about it, it’s not just me.

Just to recap, sometime around Oct and Nov we lost 2 experienced cooks, leaving one of the owners, KL, and the short order cook, M, to handle the kitchen alone. This meant K’s wife, Y, and KL himself had to spend a lot more time in the kitchen and less time on the floor. So all our shifts were upped to make sure we weren’t short staffed on the floor. We’re also expected to do more work in the same amount of time. Our total waitress staff is comprised of me, z’bitch and the manager D. We’ve been making it work; ‘tho “making it work” has involved me being scheduled to work 14 days straight, one day off, then another 9 in November. Part of that might be because of a 4 day trip I just got back from, and D did give me a day off during that 14 day run….and I phoned in sick during the nine day…. But looking at December, I’m now working 16 days straight, right up until I leave for TX.

I’m burning out, badly. Even ‘tho z’bitch has been better, most of the time, she’s still a “challenge”, I’m losing patience with D and the owners and about 75% of the customers who come in. Not good.

They did hire a newbie cook but obviously he’s still training and it hasn’t reduced the pressure on anyone.

After I registered for night school I told D I couldn’t work my usual Monday night shift and I’d need Thursday night off too. Both she and Y knew I was planning on going back to school. Her response “Monday nights are going to be a problem”….?!?!?!...Ummm, ok? For who? Me? No, I need to go back to school. I’d already explain at length to both her and Y that HE made more money than I, 2 to 3x what I make. I need to go back to school to add to my “skill set” so I can get earn additional income.

Fine, D works it out, I’ll have Mondays off.

I tell her I’ll be needing additional time off, basically going down to part-time, because I need to study in addition to going to the actual classes. Plus, before exams I’ll need more time off, I suggest she needs to hire a part-timer, D agrees, frankly we need someone just to cover shifts if one of us gets sick.

I go on my 4 day trip, get back, and no help wanted sign in the window. I ask D about it, oh, Y doesn’t want to hire anyone else. Also, they don’t plan on hiring any additional kitchen staff. Why? Because they want to save money, and so far it’s been working out…?!?!?! Sure we’re all working like dogs, but it’s working for them and saving money. It’s fucking crazy, their running a restaurant open 7 days a week with a seating capacity of 100 on 3 waitresses and 2 experienced cooks, and plan to keep it that way. All they need is a kettle drum to keep us all rowing in time.

I’m not alone in bitching about burning out; D has laid down some pretty good rants too, even ‘tho she’s been able to keep her 2 days off a week.

So D asks me what kind of time I need off when I start school, I’m currently working 25 to 30 hours a week, I tell her I need to drop down to 15 to maybe 20, and she should do up a schedule for Jan so we can get it sorted out now. Especially since she’s going on a cruise in early January.

She talks to Y again about hiring another waitress, Y finally agrees. They ask me to print up a sign on my computer, done.

Meanwhile, she still hasn’t done a schedule for this next week. I remind her I have a grief counseling appointment on Thurs the 13^th  at 10am. She asks if I can come in at 11:15 for the lunch shift? Probably not a good idea….is she for real?!

We settle on me coming in for the dinner shift, z’bitch will work lunch.

I see the schedule yesterday, she has me coming in at 10:15 on that Thurs…..head to desk…head to desk…I remind her that I have a GRIEF COUNSELING appointment at 10 that day. She again tries to sell me on coming it later for the lunch shift. I tell her it’s not a good idea and I don’t think coming in looking like a lab rat (blonde with red eyes) is a good look for a waitress. We again settle on me coming in for the night shift.

She also shows me a schedule she did up for January; I have Mondays off, but didn’t get a really good look at it since we got busy with customers.

D then tells me based on that schedule they won’t be hiring another waitress….and I repeat, It’s fucking crazy, their running a restaurant open 7 days a week with a seating capacity of 100 on 3 waitresses and 2 experienced cooks, and plan to keep it that way.

Last night I was mulling things over, was Monday the only day I had off on that Jan schedule? If so that means I’m working 6 days a week, and even if I’m only working 3 hours a day that’s 18 hours a week, and most shifts are longer and I know there were a few doubles in there…so I’m probably back up to at least 25 hours a week.

I phone D at home and ask if I only have the Mondays off, she says she can’t remember, we’ll have to check it again. And BTW she forgot she already promised z’bitch Thursday the 13^th lunch shift off so I’ll have to come in……”Sorry, I forgot”…..

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!?

If she had told me from the get go I’d have to work that shift I would have re-scheduled my appointment, if I do that now it’ll be after Christmas. Fine, lab rat Thursday it is then.

I do have some sympathy for D, her hands are tied to a certain extent by Y, and D has also talked about quitting. But she’s in her mid 50s and I think too scared to jump ship, she knows the owners are taking huge advantage of us, she puts up with it.

I won’t.

And my sympathy vanishes for D if can’t be bothered to write down changes in the schedule to make sure nothing conflicts.

I have had some serious thoughts about just flat out quitting without a solid Plan B.

It’s worrying me because impulse control is not my strong suit and starting today I work 4 splits in a row which could drive me over the edge.

Frankly I’m completely stressed out and driving myself crazy. I need to stop being so emotionally invested in that job and (some of) the people that work there. On top of all this, D has always been a chatty Cathy and I’ve always had to put up with, and make sympathetic noises about her problems.  Problems which have become pretty insignificant to me since HE died; ‘tho up until this point I have honestly tried to give a shit. I think that needs to stop too.

I’m trying to talk myself down off this ledge, just accept the Jan schedule, keep your head down go to work, go to school (it is only 2 classes a week); money won’t be so tight if you do.

But that’s not working. I talked to C and J about all this last night and they both think I need to get a Plan B together ASAP.

C’s idea, submit to D what days/shifts I’m willing to work while going to school.

J thinks I should work to rule, do my job, but nothing more, (and we are expected to do more) and maybe a bit slower than usual.

And both those plans are based on the fact I’ll be finding a new job soon.

Adding to my muddled thoughts is a bit of a Plan B.

J works at a doctor’s office and they need a temporary, part time office assistant, J might be able to get me in. It pays pretty well, would give me current office experience for my resume and there’s a small chance it might go from temporary to permanent.

So if I got that job I’d then have to go to work and tell them (after fussing over needing more time off) that I can only start work at 11:15 in the morning’s because I’ve taken another job. Or I just flat out quit and hope it turns into a permanent position, and I’m not sure it’s worth that gamble.

The above was written this morning before I went into work.

A few updates:

Overnight the scheduling fairies sprinkled their magical dust on this month’s schedule. I now have one day off out of 16. D said I must have written it down wrong in the first place but I always double check my copy against the calendar she writes, I’m not careless, and this is the 3^rd time in 2 months things have “magically” changed, either in my favour or not.

She also told me if the grief counseling was too tough I didn’t have to come in…gee thanks…I know I should be grateful but I have a problem with this. If I do show I’ll probably be a mess if I don’t show it also reflects badly on me. It’s a no-win situation for me.

I also turned off my giving a shit about her problems, it sounds selfish, and I felt selfish but it made work very simplistic.

I looked at the Jan schedule, it’s actually not too bad other than the week D’s on her cruise, but while I was looking at it Y walked by and told me not to write it down because it’ll be changing…head to desk…head to desk….

So, the above was written on my split this afternoon, I’m now home for the night...

A few more updates:

Apparently Thurs the 13^th is just a big clustefuck. Z’bitch wanted the night off, not the day, so I’m working that night and not having to decide if I want to work lunch.

D asked me if I looked at the Jan schedule, I told her yes but Y also told me it would be changing so it was pointless. This set D off on a rant about Y meddling, I just looked at her blankly. When she finally wound down I said to her that was exactly the reason I’ve stopped being invested in this job, it’s too stressful for what should be a simple waitressing gig. Her turn to look at me blankly.

They also cut me loose early, too slow for 3 waitresses on the floor….and I think I might have scared the hell out of D.