Back to the Salt Mines

My first day back to work was today. A lot of people told me it was going to be tough, and it was sort of tough, but not as bad as I thought.

The routine of work and keeping busy helped, which is what I had hoped. Also I’m a waitress,  and I’m used to be being polite under trying circumstances. (“Yes, it’s adorable that little Billy’s finger painting on the table with his dinner.” Knowing full well the parents aren’t going to do sweet fuck all about cleaning it up.) So it’s ingrained in me to plant a smile on my face and act like everything’s ok.

Until 2 of our regulars came in and handed me a card…my eyes welled up,  I croaked out a “thank you” and bolted for the back door. After I regained my composure I went back, apologized and thanked them again in a more graceful fashion.

Problem is, they’re regular customers, not friends. They know my first name, not my last, (which is different from HIS), and they certainly don’t know HIS name. So I don’t think they found out via media.

I think my manager told them, and that’s a problem.

I like my manger, she’s a really nice women; kind and funny, well meaning. The best case scenario is that they asked why I hadn’t been working lately and she told them why. Or they came in the day she found out, she was upset and they asked her why.

Problem is, my manger tends to over-share. A lot. She sees our regulars as friends’ not just regulars at the restaurant. My worry is that she’s told many of these “friends” about HIM without any reason other than her (well meaning) need to let people know what’s going on with me… And my big worry is how many fucking people she’s told?!

I hate the idea that over the next few weeks I’ll have to deal with people coming into work and throwing me thru a loop when I just want to keep my mind on my job.  

I should have the right to grieve in private, my own way, without a bunch of people I haven’t told knowing about it. I shouldn’t have to deal with it at work, (or the video store, or the bank, or the corner store, or the grocery store, or the drug store, or, or, or).

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with needing/wanting to escape from the Symphony of Suck for a little while. And as well meaning as people are, they just really fuck with that.