On The Road

Feeling the need to get out of here, (the house, the town), I use a thinly disguised excuse to drive to the big city. On the way home I drove to the scene of the accident. They did a good job cleaning up the debris but its pretty obvious where it happened and where the vehicle came to rest.

Why would I go there?  Because, due to the nature of HIS injuries, I didn’t get a chance to see HIM afterwards. And I was advised by the “Technical Traffic Collision Investigator” that seeing the vehicle would most probably do me a lot more harm than good.  (Up until talking to him there was a 50/50 chance that I was going to go clean out the vehicle myself). Since the above weren’t options the scene of the accident was the last place he was alive, and I was hoping to feel something there.

That’s my biggest problem, (emotionally anyhow) I know HE IS DEAD. His ashes are in the next room, but he doesn’t feel dead to me. Nor do I feel “he’s with me” in that spiritual sense. He just feels…. absent.

I was hoping I’d feel him at the site, or feel a severing inside or something, anything. But I didn’t.



It was hard being there, probably the hardest time I’ve had so far, but again, I thought I’d feel something more than that, something more permanent or final about HIM.

I just can’t imagine having this “he’s dead, but not dead” feeling go on and on…for god knows how long?

It’s like a Teflon coating on my skin, and I’m honestly worried that it’s stopping me from coming to grips with HIM being gone. Like the feelings that I think should come with that just slide off and can’t penetrate through. Obviously there are times when it does penetrate through, but…..geez I sound crazy.

Time to get off that crazy train and think about something else for awhile.



Speaking of HIS ashes…. I don’t know what the hell to do with them.



And no, I won't be putting up a
tacky/disturbing road side memorial at the site.
But if I was going to go that route I think
this one's actually pretty good.

I was fooling myself when I said the urn didn’t scream “DEAD GUY IN HERE” because it does. I mean it’s an urn, no pretending it’s a pretty vase with a lid or a decorative do-dad, because it doesn’t match anything else in the house as far as decorative do-dads go. 

Anyhow, I’m not putting HIM on the mantel; it just feels weird to “display” him. But I don’t want to hide him off in a closet somewhere either, that seems rude. I’m not sure our bedroom’s a good idea, and the guest bedroom would just be awkward for guest. (“I put clean towels out for you to use, they’re right beside the urn” is not something guests should ever hear.)

So if you have any ideas on where HE should be placed until I scatter his ashes please let me know.

BTW The Jeep is a pig on gas, the interior feels cramped (but actually isn’t) and it feels cumbersome when you drive it, if that makes any sense.

So if you want a gas guzzler that’s no fun to drive the 2012 4x4 Jeep Liberty is the car for you…that or a Hummer.