Five Stages…more like a 5 ringed circus.

So I looked up the 5 stages of grieving that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross & David Kessler developed in 1969, they are, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

(Yes, you will be tested on this later)

‘Course that wasn’t good enough for some people and they added Shock and Guilt, which I think is pretty much the same as Denial and Depression but whatever. Someone obviously had a thesis to write.

Some of the websites I checked out mention that people will not go through these stages in the order listed, which is good and means I’m not totally off track. Problem is I seem to be cycling through those stages daily, and revisit some of them very often throughout the day.

I thought it would happen in stages (as the name suggests) or be more like a horrible road trip. You start in your home town of Denial/Shock, enter into the province of Anger, take a side trip to Bargaining, and continue on to Depression/Denial, (where you break down and have to wait for repairs to be done). Then finally make it to Acceptance where it’s an infinity pool with swim-up bar, hot bartender and a view of the cannels in Bruges. (Insert your own idea of a perfect destination here).

But no, I’m bouncing all over the place, daily, and without much control over it. It’s the Cirque de Sorrow with 5 rings and aerial displays over head. Emotionaly I don't know what's going to happen next or where to look.

Things keep hitting me from out of nowhere. I was doing dishes yesterday and had my iTunes playing on the computer and Nikki Minaj’s “Starships” started playing. (Don’t judge, it’s a good song for working out).  HE did a hysterical lip-synch routine to that song, (‘course I’m not sure how HE knew the lyrics?!), so there I am bawling into my dishwater over a completely stupid pop song. Five minutes later I’m laughing about how many ‘freakin coffee cups he’s collected and making decisions on which I’ll keep.

And I don’t get the whole “Bargaining” thing. HIS ashes are right over there, what the fuck is there to bargain for?

In other news, falling asleep is still an issue. But I am eating, when I feel like or when someone puts food in front of me. I do have a rule that I must eat breakfast; I’ve actually come up with a few rules to try and keep myself from going sideways too badly.

-         Set alarm for a reasonable hour and get out of bed within 20 min of it going off.

-         No slopping around the house in pjs all day. Put on a bra, and get dressed. (K’s command the morning of still rings in my ears).

-         Breakfast, daily, before 10am.

-         Basic hygiene is mandatory, makeup is not.

-         Check garden daily, weed and water as needed. (I planted so damn many peppers and cucumber plants because they’re vegetables HE would also eat. I’m hoping my neighbors like them as well)

-         Shave legs every 3 days.

I’ll be going back to work tomorrow and back to the gym as soon as this stupid throat infection clears up. (The summer cold went postal on me). And I’m hoping a regular schedule of work and working out will help my sleeping issue….or it won’t and I’ll resort to Chamomile tea (I hate tea) and herbal stuff that friends have suggested…. Or maybe I’ll just be a sleep-deprived bitch for the rest of my life.