So my parents are showing up again in a few days to help me with a few things. I’m grateful but also still feeling overwhelmed and needing more downtime. ‘Tho it’s pretty obvious I’m the problem here. When I have a few hours I’m not trying to relax, I’m trying to keeping myself busy.
One thing I haven’t been keeping busy with is house cleaning…the place hasn’t been vacuumed since before it happened, I’m wondering if this’ll be an issue when Mom gets here? (More accurately I’m wondering if Mom will make it an issue?)
And I did talk to my manager at work and she re-arranged my schedule so I do have more time over this weekend to myself….to be stressed…or maybe actually vacuum....yeah, I know, who am I trying to fool.
The two main things me and my parents are going to tackle is the basement of doom…shudder… and I know they want to talk about my finances…cringe….
HE was the main wage earner, so they have every right to be concerned. I’m concerned.
I did run some numbers last night; big surprise the news isn’t good. I knew from the get-go that I’d have to find a second job or find another one that paid more/offered me more hours but I think it’s still going to be uncomfortably tight for the long term. I do have a few assets I need to fill in the blanks for, I’ve applied for HIS CPP benefits and I’m entitled to a widow’s allowance as well, but I’m not sure how much those will bring in.
The biggest quandary is the apt we live in. It’s big, high ceilings, 2 floors, 2 bedrooms plus a spare room, and the rent is cheap. (Mainly because the house is old and has issues).
I was looking at apartment ads yesterday and I pay less than most of the 1 bedroom’s advertisted. But those have utilities included, ours does not. And the biggest expense is the heating bill in the winter. Old home, high ceilings, old windows, even when we’ve sealed them up our gas bill is high in the winter. That’s the biggest negative about this place, that and it’s large, a lot to clean, or not clean as the case is now. The pluses are that it’s centrally located in town, less than 4 blocks from work, 6 to the grocery store, and the gym’s in between there.
I don’t want to move, I might eventually, but right now, as hard as the memories are I’m comfortable and feel safe here. If I can hang in for a year I think I’ll be in a better mind set to make a decision.
The other big financial issue I’m afraid my parents will bring up is the horses. They don’t really get the “horse thing”, ‘tho they do understand how much enjoyment and how involved we are with them. (Which is a huge understatement to how we feel about them).
Selling the horses would be like dealing with 2 more deaths. I can’t even think about it without going to tears. I just don’t see how I could do it. HE loved his horse, there’s no way of expressing how much, and I feel I owe it to HIM and his horse to keep care of him. I’d rather sell my own horse than HIS, but the idea of that’s equally heartbreaking, he was very attached to her, never mind my own feelings.
I did screw up my nerve and have a short conversation with D (HIS BF who also owns the farm we board at) and thankfully D has come up with a few ways to reduce the costs without screwing up his own finances. It might be ok, but I’m not even sure how I’ll handle my parents broaching the topic. I think my best bet is to bring it up before they do, but it’s still going to be hard.
…everything’s “hard”, I’m tired of using that word to sum things up, and I’m sure you’re tired of reading that word. But it’s like trying to describe the size of the universe, “huge” is an underestimate, but it is accurate and shorter than any other way of describing it.
In other news, I went back to the guy last Monday for the first time since it happened, did my full legs workout, then went back on Tues for my HIIT workout…then was so sore Wed, Thurs and Fri I couldn’t go back in. I was basically crippled on Wed and the soreness didn’t totally disappear until today.
Head to desk…head to desk….
I know better, almost 3 weeks off and I hit it hard, instead of easing back into it, clearly not thinking. On the other hand it was good to be back and another piece of my BHD (before HE died) life settling back into place. Even the soreness was a little bit welcome, HE may be dead but I’m so alive I can make my muscles hurt! (If that makes any sense?)
I can’t force my life to being back to normal (believe me I’ve tried), but I can grab onto it here and there for a little while. It helps.
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