Weekend Warrior

A quieter weekend for me, as far as I know.

I’d booked it off from work to do the Warrior Dash with a bunch of friends +spouses from the gym, and was really looking forward to it. We both were, ‘tho HE would be cheering from the sidelines with 3 other husbands.

Part of me still wants to go, despite not having jogged since it happened, it’d be fun, muddy, hot and sweaty, but fun. But I just can’t do it.

Last year I did a small 3k run, my first one ever, just me with HIM cheering me on. He was there at the finish line and so happy and proud for me, and I just can’t bare the thought of hitting the end and him not being there.

It’s like I said before, things we had planned to do I will do alone or not at all.

So instead I’m going to buy some things for Oliver, the promised floor mats etc. Also maybe a replacement daisy for the one in my planter that has yet to grow any flowers…or maybe something different…daisies are my favorite and HE sometimes used to stop by the roadside on his way home from work and pick wild ones for me.

Frankly, some of my flowers are depressing the shit out of me and I want to replace them. He was impatiently waiting for the morning glories that he asked me to plant to bloom. They’re blooming now. And a few nights before it happened he came back from checking out the front garden saying that the roses would be blooming soon, they bloomed the weekend after it happened.

I want to get rid of both plants but I know if I do I’ll feel guilty, like I’m erasing things he was interested in, and it’s not going to change me being a fucked up mess.

It’s weird, I packed up all his novels, also things he cared about, without any guilt and only a little sadness, but I’m in tears over 2 fucking plants.

…You guys would tell me if I seem to be going bat shit crazy right?

So we’re doing some errands this morning, me and Oliver. Tonight I’m house and kid-sitting for C, her kid-sitter bailed on her and since she’s got 2 awesome girls I’m going to go hang out with them tonight.

HE and I never had kids, never really wanted them. It was the right decision for us and I’m so glad we never had any, I can’t imagine going through this and having to do it with kids. I'm fighting my way through this, and sometimes I lose and sometimes I'm just too tired. I can’t imagine how strong you’d have to be to cope with the additional stress of helping your kids through this. Those that have are my new heroes.